CONFONZ — Only a retarded douchebag would schmooze in the Valley. What's the point of schmoozing when you have to drive around from place to place, praying and hoping against hope that some amazing ex-Sun engineer or top notch venture blowhard is sipping his martini at the bar of Izzy's Steak house, next to San Carlos airport? For fuck's sake, the real money makers force San Jose International to let them land their Learjets there. San Carlos is for fags.

So, for real schmoozing, there's only one spot: San Francisco's financial district. And even there, only one real locale makes any sense: The St. Regis hotel. Nestled on 3rd next door to the SF MoMA (another good spot, incidentally), the St. Regis is the only place any self respecting gajillionaire would ever stay in San Francisco, and it's the only place to get a glass of the Balvenie after a conference at the Moscone.

Now, there are those that would say the XYZ at the W hotel down the block is a good schmooze spot. They would be entirely wrong. W is a complete shit hole. It was originally designed to be a fucking Radisson, and at the last minute was changed into a W. So, sure, in LA or New York, the W is a great place to meet and greet. But in San Francisco, it's a dirty, sloppily designed crap shack with an over-sexed set of regulars wasting their time grinding against each other upstairs.

And besides, who the shit would pay $12 for a glass of Ravenswood?

Of course, the St. Regis isn't the only schmooze spot. There's also the fabulous basement of the new Westfield Mall on Market Street. This food court is actually a hopping spot for downtown workers at lunchtime, and it's expensive, so the folks clustered here are likely well compensated for their programming jobs. Plenty of room, and lots of open space for ease dropping makes this the best place to bother venture capital administrative assistants at lunchtime.

Some would say that Sun's Menlo Park campus is a great place to bother Rich Green while he stuffs a reuben into his ovular mouth. They would be wrong. There is no best place to bother Rich Green.

But if you must bother someone with a Reuben, yer best bet is the Lee's on 2nd Street, near Harrison. This little sandwich shop is tucked away inside the complex that hosts Burson-Marsteller, the PR firm behind HP and a bunch of other companies. Additionally, Second Street is where all the game journalists are located, and they like to go to Eddie Rickenbackers, and the 21st Amendment after work.

The Wired folk just drink in South Park, but even the homeless people who live here have startups, so you can schmooze with brown bag in hand.

And finally, the best possible place to schmooze with dot commers and ventures in the entire state of California is the BART station at 16th and Mission. This is where they all cop their heroin, so it's a great place to meet new friends and share needles.

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