Options, the fictional novel by Fake Steve Jobs author Dan Lyons, is out already if you know where to look. To help you blow off Friday I'll post the best passages as I hit them. The novel, spun out from Lyons's insanely great Secret Diary of Steve Jobs blog, tells Steve's side of the stock options backdating scandal. Here's the first of our excerpts:

Your average frigtard probably figures I've got it pretty sweet. I'm one of the richest people in the world, and I'm hailed everywhere as the most brilliant businessman of all time. I'm lean and handsome, with close-trimmed hair and a Sean Connery-esque salt and pepper beard. And I'm famous. Like People magazine famous. Like everywhere I go people recognize me, and they get all weird around me, and you know what? I love it.

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