But Peaden went to the school's director of investigations. "I related the story as I knew it. And he said, 'No!' "Peaden said that, over the following year, he heard no further word about the matter. NYU never thanked him. He learned of the outcome only by reading The Post.

So, here's how you get past this class, winning the approval of your chosen pricey institution of higher education:

1. Find liquor store receipts from one guy that have been turned into the school's bursar for five years, adding up to somewhere in the area of $409K in pocketed expense reimbursements.

2. Figure out exactly how this works, down to the paperwork filed and everything.

3. Then figure out how you figured all of this out. If it involves somebody tipping you off, make sure you have all potential tipsters killed, silenced, or at least paid off.

4. Find another department that doesn't have a manager smart enough to do this.

5. Get that person fired. Don't forget to buy the required reading. Or steal it.

6. Apply formula learned in steps one and two to extort enough money to buy you a small Jamaican rum plantation.

7. Open up some offshore accounts. Put all your money in there as well as the money you're making cheating NYU out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

8. Get a good friend to remind you every nine days that they're a private institution who doesn't give a shit about you, so you don't have to feel too bad.

9. Hang tight. This is the tough part. Save up enough money for five years while not leaving the same trail behind you that you did.

10. Cash in when you have exactly enough—and no more—to buy said Jamaican rum plantation. Stop the scheme, drop out of school, and move to Jamaica. Let me know when you're through, and we'll write the story and send it to NYU for final approval.

And once it appears here, that means you've passed! Learn from history: you save your school hundreds of thousands of dollars after spending tens of thousands of dollars on education, they're only going to stonewall you for helping them out until you learn about your valiant efforts and integrity through, of all places, the New York Post. Obviously, Michael Peaden failed. Learn from his mistakes. Besides, you didn't pay all that money from NYU to learn nothing about the value of whistleblowers, right? Right.

Showing up to class is only part of an education; when you get down to it, it's the passing grades that count.

Honestly?

The passenger spent about an hour in the bathroom and got upset when he was questioned by the crew of the flight from Amsterdam, Netherlands, according to government sources. Law enforcement agents were questioning the man Sunday.

It sounds like he was taking a really long shit. I'd be —uh, pissed?—as well! You know what it's like when you're in the bathroom at a party and someone keeps knocking on the door and you're like, Ugh, it's bad enough I'm going to the bathroom at this party, this person knows I'm in here. Why are they knocking? Unless you're doing blow, in which case, you have no excuse. But I don't think he was doing blow because who would do blow on an airplane in Detroit? Talk about an instant comedown on five different levels. Unless he was doing blow and the blow was cut with some laxative, which would maybe merit being on the can for a while. But to evacuate the entire plane?

Also, maybe he's just another Nigerian Testicle Terrorist in Detroit. There's that, too.

Yesterday Mediaite and TV Newser did a tag-team on Schurnga's two wares he's got for sale: the first, a blurry picture of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. The second is himself, for interviews. CNN got to the picture first, and paid what some are estimating to be about $10K for it. They also got an interview, which they're saying they didn't pay for. Steve Krakauer deftly explains how this goes down.

The practice of paying a "licensing fee" rather than a direct exchange is a way networks who claim to never pay for interviews can get around the issue. By paying for images and video, they are free to say no money was exchanged hands for the actual interview – which is still viewed as unseemly for news outlets not named the National Enquirer or TMZ. But paying for something to secure an interview happens quite a bit.

This is the interview. You can watch the entire thing, but it only gets good around 6:45, when Schuringa appears to be looking off-camera, trying to end the interview, and in doing so, preserving his product for further sale.

Here's how this happens.

All the media organizations found Schuringa's company website, which had his cell phone number on it. By the time he finally got to Miami, his final destination, CNN and The New York Post had gotten to him.

Once the Post and CNN got through to Jasper, he handed over all negotiations to his friend who lives in Miami who he came to the U.S. to visit. His name is Shai Ben-Ami. He's an Israeli guy who's in the restaurant business, as a Google search would turn up. He owns some kind of Pick Up Stix imitator. Though their Orange Chicken sounds good about now.

Schurnga sold the "TV Rights" of the first of his two photos to CNN for $10K.

The "print rights" went to the Post for $5K.

Later, Schuringa was paid upwards of $3K by ABC News for a second photo, which Schuringa tried to sell to other local news outlets for $5K, unsuccessfully.

Jasper Schuringa made at least $18,000 from two shitty, blurry photos.

Why?

Because the only way to get interviews with this guy was to pay him, so CNN and The New York Post ponied up. Fox News used the Post's interview, because, well, welcome to Murdoch-land. NBC apparently didn't pay because they don't have an interview. Neither does the New York Daily News or the New York Times. But the New York Daily News did take CNN's photo (albeit watermarked) and interview quotes for their story in this morning's paper for the low price of free-ninety-nine. Thrifty!

One reporter reached Shai just before Jasper went on CNN, and was told that after they were done with CNN and worked out a contract with ABC, they'd talk to the reporter about the print rights to the second photo, and Jasper would talk to reporters if—and only if—the reporter decided to buy it. "He was quite upfront about it," we're told. "He made it clear that Jasper was only talking to news organizations that paid." And he made it clear over emails. Which look like this. Emphasis mine:

The post and times still talking about photo 2 what can you offer forit!? I feel bad dropping with you after you have been cool with us ...
Sent from my BlackBerry® on the MetroPCS Network

You might have to run it only for monday cuz abc wants to use it aswell for tv news and they stressed if we could hold off till monday with paper ? Would that work ...
Sent from my BlackBerry® on the MetroPCS Network

Others numbers are extremly higher
Sent from my BlackBerry® on the MetroPCS Network

They have exclusive rights for photo 1, that is a final, for photo 2
they are offering 3k, we are going with them soon if I don't hear back
from you on equal contract ... Thanks for all ...
Sent from my BlackBerry® on the MetroPCS Network

Welcome to the wonderful world of Checkbook Journalism. Have you seen the photo? It looks like this.

It's nothing.

Neither is the other photo, which is just more of the same. The networks aren't really paying for the photo, they're paying for the thing that comes with the photo: an interview. Here's the "funny" thing: CNN admitted to Mediaite and TV Newser that they paid for the photo, but wouldn't comment on the interview. When pressed, will they cop to it?

CNN tells Mediaite they paid a "licensing fee" for the exclusive cell phone image, which they have been using throughout the day...CNN clarifies the network did not pay for the actual interview during CNN Newsroom.

No. So:

Technically, did they pay for the interview? Probably not.
Categorically, did they pay for the interview? Absolutely.

When CNN wanted to talk about Balloon Boy a few weeks back? They wanted the goods—the exclusive—but they didn't want to pay, be seen as paying, or refer to the story as anything but allegedly true. So they got the next best thing: my boss, talking about the story!

Looks like they learned their lesson.

Checkbook journalism is back, and here to stay. Media critics who lambast some news organizations for paying for sources are going to have to deal with the cold, hard fact that getting a scoop has gotten a lot more competitive these days.

Not only that, but the mainstream outlets who hold themselves in higher regards than those (like ours) who openly admit to ponying up for a story are doing the same thing themselves, the sole difference being: We don't feel the need to lie about it. Why do they?

Stretching obviously poses a violently dangerous threat when we take up more than one seat....in empty trains. Or so the faithfully public-serving transit organization known as the MTA would have it.

Thanks to them, some of the most tired and weary of our fair city's workers—busboys, line cooks, janitors, bodega attendants, street sweepers, and many like them—will no longer hold hostage our empty subway cars with their hyper-extended limbs. We're taking care of those deviants, now. By ticketing them.

A Fashion Institute of Technology student and a waiter at a Brooklyn diner were each recently nailed by graveyard-shift transit cops, who hit them with $50 fines for taking up more than one seat on virtually empty trains at around 2:30 a.m. Josh Stevens, of Harlem, a recent transplant from Cincinnati, was stunned when he was slapped with back-to-back summonses at the 96th Street station on Nov. 19 and 20, in what police told him was a quota-driven sting.

Josh Stevens of Harlem, you dirty rat motherfucker, that'll show you, and the rest of the criminals ruining this town. Think you can slip an asscheek over between two seats past New York's finest? Well, guess where they're gonna stick that insubordination: up said asscheek.

And of course the NYPD's not doing this to fill some kind of end-of-year quota, despite what the embarrassed cops busting you said in order to try to humanize the experience of ticketing and/or being ticketed $50 on back-to-back nights for stretching on an empty subway car.

Here, look at their numbers:

An NYPD spokesman denied that cops were cracking down on subway riders taking up more than one seat. Year-to-date figures show that there were 760 such summonses issued in 2008 and 784 issued as of early this month.

Exactly. Numbers. They prove points. And us New Yorkers, we're vigilant. We're not gonna stop with the stretchers. Other people who will soon feel the wrath of the law:

• Guy whose iPod headphones I can hear playing "Juicy" from across the empty car? That's a night in The Tombs. If you don't know, now you know.
  
  
• Kid going into diabetic shock using an EpiPen? Hands with sharp objects end up in tight handcuffs. Punkass.
  
  
• Crowded 9AM car full of people overheard groaning when their local train decides to go express? We'll wait until you all have summons. Every one of you.
  
  
• Lady asking hostile MTA station agent why her card scanned as "already used" on the first swipe and being upset when she's told NOPE UH-UH SORRY WAIT 15 MINUTES OR BUY A NEW ONE? You will take that attitude from her. And you'll like it. Talk back, see what happens. You'll get your face smashed in. Complain about that.
  
  
• Cute baby who keeps inexplicably staring at me even though I've done nothing to provoke it, eat shit and die. Also, that'll be $75 bones.
  
  
• Oh, what, you wanna commit a "really bad" crime? Try smoking weed sometime. Yeah, just try it. Four of our cops will just rape you in the ass until you end up in the hospital. True story.
  
  
• Finally, if you're seen riding the J/M/Z, you're obviously a criminal, and you're going to rot in jail like the scumbag you are.

This city will one day be clean. And on that day, the few thugs and punks and gangbangers and people who are left among us, who think of stretching and drinking bottled water and maybe even laughing out loud on empty trains, when they see a certain sign in the night, they'll think again. They'll be shaken to the core. Fear will drain their faces of blood, like the villains of comic books who see the BatSignal in the night sky. Except it won't be in the sky, and it won't be at night. It'll be everywhere, at all times, whenever they try to traverse this great urban kingdom. And it looks like this:

Previously: "Also, destroy the MTA."

• I've been trying to think of a way to rhyme the word "Karma" with "Jon Gosselin" but I can't but how 'bout we go with the great karma anthem of our time (that isn't "Karma Police," obviously), a little ditty that goes something like this: Jon Gosselin, What goes around goes around goes around gonna find it's way back arouuuuuund, yeah.. 'Dude got his apartment JACKED UP. No, seriously, like, shit wasn't stolen, somebody just came in a beat the shit out of all of his material possessions, and left a note STABBED to the wall. Can't make this up. Watch:

  Somebody wielding a butcher knife tore through the entire apartment and "speared" a note - signed by "Hailey Glassman," his gal pal - to Gosselin's dresser with the blade, according to TMZ. The assailant sliced through Gosselin's shoes, shirts, curtains and other furnishings with the knife, sources said. A television, CD player and a Nintendo Wii game were also found smashed to pieces inside the flat of the former "Jon & Kate Plus 8" star, sources said. A Ming vase, possibly "over 100 years old," was also destroyed, Gosselin's lawyer told TMZ.

  DAMN, son. Hell hath no fury like a universe scorned. You were kind of an asshole to the universe and it came in and smashed all the nice things you bought with the money you got from putting your eight kids on television and letting that dead possum'd hairlady ex-wife of yours run wild with it! Also, a Ming Vase? I do kinda feel bad about the Ming Vase for you. What'd you do to Ms. Glassman, exactly, that pissed her off, so? HM? She doesn't strike me as the most likely candidate for the Agent of Karma in your life, but then again, they never are. [NYDN]
  
  

• You guys, the New York Daily News' Boris and Natasha-esque gossip columnists Rush & Molloy didn't file this week. I'm not happy. In fact, kind of worried. If you see these two anywhere around town this week, please just let me know they're okay. I miss them. George Rush's last NYDN filing was on Thursday about Mary J. Blige trying to cool the drama over her husband getting into a fight at her record release party. Sigh. No More Drama my ass. [NYDN]
  
  
• File Under: Gossip Items waaaaaay too complicated for most people to understand at this hour of the day. Page Six leads off with Sigourney Weaver being named as a defendant in a $5M lawsuit between two makeup mavens. Can't these people do what all other New Yorkers do and just go to Sephora and take whatever samples you need for the next four days and leave? Also, Keihls is good for this. Those guys will load you up on samples like woah. [Page Six]
  
  
• Amy Drunkhouse is getting married! Or something. She's having a mock wedding to the guy who is basically the reason she's such a hot mess, that Blake fellow, who's in and out of prison more times in a year than most people piss in a week. She's Jewish, no? But I can't seem them doing the whole bottle-breaking thing, because, you know, that'd be putting a good bottle that you could drink/cut someone with/smoke out of/put into something a smoke to waste. Seriously, Amy Winehouse would smoke her own chuppah if they let her. [The Sun]
  
  
• Katt Williams pulled out a gun—a gun, a big, sparkly, shiny gun—last night after some riffraff went down in LA. I miss the heyday of funnypeople doing crazy shit as much as the next guy—Michael Richards, Martin Lawrence, whoever—but Katt, that is a piece you're packing. You really think House of Pain was gonna do anything? Guns: no fun. Chill on that shit. Also, Katt Williams, what the fuck are you doing with a hand cannon in your car? Maybe LA's edgy again? So many questions, here. [TMZ]
  
  
• Michael Lohan! Still a dirtbag, even on Christmas. Dina was in court with him over something before the holiday, some more child support bullshit or whatever. But here's the thing I don't understand: Dina Lohan, who's a succubus of money off her daughters' respective careers, who's also managed to edge herself into the cameras and become a C-Grade celebrity herself, that Dina Lohan is still hitting up the Broke Phi Broke Michael Lohan? Right. Inevitable conclusion reached every time anybody ever uses brain cells to fuel thought about this: they all suck. [Page Six]
  
  
• Willie Nelson's going to save the wild horses of America (he's not talking about me, just to be sure) and then he's going to probably get reeeeeally fucking high after. What'd you do today? [Page Six]
  
  
• Ivana Trump is such a boogieladymonster, she scared a bunch of kids and they kicked her off a plane leaving Palm Beach. Seriously, to be so fucked up and mouthy and crazy on pills and look so plastic that they kick you off a plane in Palm Beach? Girl. GIRL. [TMZ]
  
  
• After yesterday's Classic Charlie Sheen Christmas Special in which he was arrested for choking his wife while she was drunk (or whatever), they have no plans on getting divorced. Yay! I'm all about people working their shit out, even if it is two crazypeople like Charlie Sheen and whoever he's married to right now. [NYDN]
  
  
• TMZ wants to know if you'd rather do Leo DiCaprio or Tobey Maguire while they sit courtside at a Lakers game. I just want their seats. TMZ can take their penises, for all I care. [TMZ]
  
  
• Bruce Springsteen went to see The Nutcracker at the New York City Ballet, and seemed to enjoy himself. Which is funny, because nobody in The Nutcracker is on a one-way track out of a dusty American town full of hard-working people who come home and try to smile but eventually try to get on on a horse or in a car named Sally, and are trying to race towards salvation away from and/or further into America. Actually, The Nutcracker totally fucking sucks. It's about a bunch of rats and a child molester who whisks a girl away with the help of the rats, which is basically everyone's worst nightmare about the E train, except far less frightening. He takes her to another kingdom after setting up an elaborate scheme to make it appear as if a prince helped her get there and when she does, all she does is just, like, watch people from different nationalities dance. That's the entire second act. Shit makes no sense. I saw that it, I know this for a fact. It's bizarre and lame and a fairly uncomfortable experience. [Page Six]
  
  
• People wants you to know that Nic Cage isn't being sued for fraud, just, like, everything else. [People]
  
  
• Here's something about crazy-ass King of New York director Abel Ferrara, who's apparently making a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde feature starring Fitty Cent and Forrest Whittaker. Related: I just had one of those "seriously, I just work here" moments. Abel Ferrara's next project: A Tale of Two Cities remake, starring Kathleen Turner and Ghostface Killah. I'd actually pay good money to see this. [Page Six]
  
  
• Wow. People are still watching Survivor? And some hot chick won it this year? How do we not know about these things? [People]
  
  
• The Winklevoss Twins—who, long story short: two tall, rich WASPy kids who row crew and made money off of UConnect that one of them put into my favorite social nightlife Star Destroyer (or rather: AT-AT?) Guest of a Guest and recently settled for decent moneys after bitching about Mark Zuckerburg stealing their idea for Facebook—were quoted in a fairly fluffy Page Six item about being ha-ha over the Facebook movie Aaron Sorkin wrote. Sigh. I understand all of this nonsense why, exactly? [Page Six]

Good morning everyone! Or, uh, afternoon, as one might have it. Apologies for the late-edition! We've got Altarcations coming at you soon and maybe some fun exclusive stuff. Gotta get moving! Meantime, here's a jam. Let's kick this year and this decade's ass the fuh out of our lives and on to a new, wonderful, clean slate. Hopefully we won't destroy the shit out of it! For the record, this is the dance I do all day while I'm working:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin, who gave it an awesome caption: "Former 'Jon and Kate Plus 8' reality star Jon Gosselin takes a smoke break from his exhausting life of running errands." Heh.]

I like it when T.J. Holmes calls him a "major failure." Well put!

Introducing John Mayer: The Blogger.

So, this happened:

And then TMZ followed it up with a post cutely titled "True Lies" (like the AWESOME James Cameron movie starring Tom Arnold and Tia Carrere) where, in some Avatar press interview footage, James Cameron notes that "he'd sign as many autographs as people will line up for."

Nice! James Cameron doesn't really seem like the kinda guy TMZ would go for, right? But Avatar posts are getting awesome traffic right now, so they're just astutely following the news cycle. And it just so happens that James Cameron called this guy a "fucking asshole" and they were there to get footage of it!

So why'd James Cameron, the fan-friendly director, freak out? Maybe it was because it was Christmas Eve, and he's normally signing things when his wife isn't with him. Or maybe it was because he had a turbulent flight! How the hell do you feel when you get off of airplanes? Or maybe it was something that happened between the relatively suspicious cuts on the TMZ game tape.

But most people know better. John Mayer, who probably deals with this kind of shit often, is one of them. And in an articulate posting to his Tumblr—John Mayer has a Tumblr! And it's not John Mayer Will Change Your Life! How 'bout that?—Mayer breaks down how this works, from his perspective.

First, he calls out the system: everyone's for sale, everywhere.

American Airlines has long been known to have at least one person in their organization selling flight manifests to the paparazzi. I'd imagine it's not hard to find a gate agent or a skycap willing to trade a well-known name or two for a couple hundred dollars..

Which, as this website knows, is totally correct. Money buys things, like scoops!

...The fact that passenger lists are not available to the general public means that anyone waiting at the airport with any more than the CD from the passenger seat of their car has gotten word of which celebrities will be traveling through the terminal in the same way the paparazzi do. In some cases, these "fans" are working in concert with them. After all, it's a great way to get a celebrity to interact with you on video if you can ask them impolite questions while they're stopping to sign a few items for someone. If they decline, it's time to switch to plan B: paint them as shallow Hollywood types that only care about the "little people" when it best serves them. This logic doesn't really hold water since everyone now knows that being videotaped at LAX is regarded as one of the most high profile appearances one can make, especially during the release of a film.

Also true! Most celebrities have to fly like normal people do: through airports. And if you've ever been to LAX, you know the hell that may or may not await them (and you!) as you shuffle through paps to find your friend giving you a ride home. And celebrities know to look good when they go through LAX, because, again, they'll be photographed. And often, asked to become part of the celebrity autograph moneymaking machine! Celebrities are wont to preserve autographing things for fans and charities and things like that; they don't like to sign the shoddy things scheme-people try to get them to.

Even some of TMZ's commenters know this, one of whom pointed out that this eBay seller is most likely the guy in the video, who screamed after Cameron "I'm an asshole because I ask someone I admire for their autograph that makes me an asshole? I make $15-an-hour at work to go see your film and I'm an asshole?"

That'd make sense, as the guy in the video's wearing the same hat he also got Jackie Earle Hayley to sign. Which I guess he keeps a good stock of. Or: was just smart enough to take it off his head and get it signed by Hayley at the time.

See! Scheme-people are quick-witted! And when they don't get what they want, which is money, sleazy scheme-people get angry. Then they try to get people like James Cameron to call them "fucking assholes." And John Mayer sees that part going something like this:

While I can't speak to what happened before the segment of video on TMZ, I can tell you that the man in the tiny hat with the Avatar poster had probably engaged with Cameron from at least 50 paces before the automatic doors. That's how it goes down; they walk alongside you. They bark requests at you, trying to get your pulse to quicken. If you give in and sign, the guy with the poster gets to sell it and make a few bucks. If you don't give in, as it gets harder to acquiesce with each successive yelp, then the stench of cash really starts to waft in as Video Camera Guy gets the goods while you explain in no uncertain terms to Obnoxious E-bay Poster Guy that he's not going to get what he's asking for tonight.

Pretty good, right? Mayer goes on to observe that Cameron isn't used to dealing with this kind of bullshit. Think about the last time James Cameron was doing serious press rounds. TMZ wasn't around then.

Mayer's entire blog post is here, and if you'll read through it, you'll note that it's not just "good for a rock star," but "good for a blog post." Not bad! Though the most interesting part is actually when he notes, of Cameron's media dealings:

He doesn't understand the media shuffle, and I'm glad he hasn't given any thought to it. It's actually a waste of brain matter, and a slippery slope of compromise.

Well, Mayer does speak from experience, and that experience clearly involves very little compromise, but also, clearly, an impressive regard for self-awareness (just as suspected). John, anytime you feel like taking to the blog, holler. We're a growing company, and I, for one, am impressed.

So! When you open this week's New York Times Sunday Styles, what kind of original wonderful 00's retrospective will they have for you?

"Bloggers Crash Fashion's Front Row," New York Times - 12/27/2009*

Hm. That sounds/looks familiar.

"Young Bloggers Have Ear of Fashion Heavyweights," New York Times, 09/13/2009

Yeah, but that's gotta be some...kind of...coincidence. Right?

[Click to enlarge, please.]

"Style bloggers take centre stage," Financial Times - 11/13/2009*

"Fashion Bloggers, Where They Belong: In The Front Row," Mediaite - September 29th, 2009

"Milan Fashion Week: Bloggers Go Front Row" - Scallywag & Vagabond, September 28, 2009

"Front Row Fashion Bloggers at Dolce & Gabbana," Cortorture - September 28, 2009

"Tavi Gevinson, 13-Year-Old Fashion Blogger Scores Front-Row Seats at New York Fashion Week" - Zimbio, September 21, 2009

"Bloggers Take Over the Front Row," InStyle - September 10, 2009

"Style blogger Susie Lau is headed for fashion's front row," The Observer - February 8, 2009

So, how long have people been using this stupid fucking tired dead horse linguistic chicken bone? Let's put it like this: Greg Lindsay, writing for MediaBistro, beat all of them to it.

"Bloggers In Tents: Fashion Warms to New Media," MediaBistro - February 6, 2007

Here's the takeaway:

1. The New York Times is laying off the wrong people. I already miss Allen Salkin far more than I ever thought I would.

2. Fashion bloggers are running fashion. Market editors should all fear for their lives.

3. Old age and treachery are of no use in the world of fashion writing. The most influential of these bloggers is a thirteen year-old girl who is feared and respected by the most powerful people in that business.

4. Neither are intelligence, creativity, or writing ability. Fashion writers and the people writing about fashion all fall behind a 13 year-old girl.

5. Fashion has now reached new levels of awareness-lacking self-parody.

Fashion people, I shouldn't have to do this for you. But when somebody shows up to a party wearing the same thing as someone else, it's, like, a crime punishable by summary execution, right? Well, guess what: you're all wearing the same trend piece. Let me fix this:

It's time to take those fashon bloggers, and the writers writing about the fashion bloggers, and kick them the fuck out of the front row, the second-to-front row, the tents, and then, make fashion and fashion writing interesting and readable and a total plutocracy or dictatorship or what have you. This kind of writing makes fat-hating Cintra Wilson look like a potential MacArthur Genius Grant recipient. Sometimes, when you give power to the people, it turns out that the people—as is the case here—suck. So you gotta take it back. Anna Wintour, just hire the 13 year-old kid and get rid of the rest. Kelly Cutrone, you should carry around brass knuckles and every time you see a laptop at a fashion week tent, you should not hesitate to smash them into said laptops.* Do you understand what I'm saying, here? Unless everyone writing about fashion actually sucks that bad—and that can't be possible, can it?—this has to be a conspiracy. Maybe's it's Mugatu and his return behind this.

IT'S THE SAME HEADLINE.

IT'S THE SAME BAD WRITING.

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

[*The reason this will never, ever happen is because a majority of fashion writing is predicated on selling the products they're writing about, supported by advertisers selling the same products. Bloggers help get the word out about these products, thereby, more publicity for advertisers, with less hassle, because they're not dealing with major publication divas. So really, fashion bloggers are here to stay, whether anybody likes it or not. The trend pieces about them, however, might be getting a tad bit stale. At the very least, fashion's sense of wonder with them as new toys will likely get that way, too.]

A long time ago, back when Radar wasn't a Zombie Radar, Charlie Sheen got married and it was carefully observed that, at his third wedding, Sheen noted:

"The first one was a show, the second one was a con, and this one is the real deal."

If by show, you mean, "I shot her in the arm." Oh, no, wait, that was fiancee Kelly Preston. But if by "con," he meant, "that time I was married to Denise Richards and she accused me of child molestation so in retaliation I accused her of beating the shit out of me," he'd be correct, I guess. So when he talks about the "real deal" he must've meant "the one time in my life I'll be in a relationship without a domestic abuse spat that involves police being called," well, he was wrong. Because he's now being accused of choking wife Brooke Mueller out.

He was charged with second-degree assault, menacing and criminal mischief and was housed in the Pitkin County jail, cops said. He later posted $8,500 bond after speaking with a county judge, according to police spokeswoman Stephanie Dasaro in Aspen.

No, but really Charlie Sheen, what's wrong with you?

Conspiracy Theorist? Check.
Racist? Check.
Druggie? Check.
Wifebeater? Check.

Also, Charlie Sheen, what's wrong with the people you marry or try to marry?

Kelly Preston ended up with John Travolta, and they both ended up scary Scientologists.

Denise Richards went totally fucking bonkers and had a show on E! where all bonkers people get shows.

This one was drunk and also isn't talking to cops which will just make this worse.

Better question: What's wrong with us? How is Charlie Sheen the highest paid actor on TV? Do you know anybody who actually watches Two and a Half Men? The real conspiracy theory is how Charlie Sheen still has a career. The guy is a bona. fide. fuckup. He is also invincible.

This incident, like every other Charlie Sheen incident, will matter not to anybody.

Charlie Sheen could burn down the Chateau Marmont with His Holiness the Dalai Lama in it after getting too crazy with his homemade meth lab, and Hollywood wouldn't hesitate to give him the leading role in a six-picture feature adaptation of Redwall as the lead mouse. And he'd win an Oscar for it.

Whatever. When this civilization is dead and the Avatard aliens or whoever are trying to understand our history and they get to the part about Charlie Sheen's career and the human compassion it somehow fueled itself on to keep going and going and never fail to die, all they'll need to do is watch this scene, which is basically the answer, and also, might serve as an essential part of the complex algorithm that is our ability as a species to conjure up forgiveness, or indulge ourselves in masochism, or something.

I think we like his smile. That has to be it.

LOSER: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab—or whatever his name is—tried to light a mixture of powder he'd taped to his leg, trying to kill everyone on board. Asshole. Well, he was foiled. And again, as Ravi pointed out yesterday, news organizations didn't even get his name right:

ABC news are naming that suspect as Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, who they say is an engineering student at University College, London. (Wall Street Journal: "Abdul Mudallad"; MSNBC: "Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab".)

Heh. He doesn't deserve to have his name correct! Paging Alessandra Stanley! I'd call him "Fuckface FireBalls Magoo" but I think that'd also denote a #SorryGabe tag, and I'm far past my quota for the month. Scary moment of foretelling, however: his Dad had called the U.S. embassy in Nigeria six months ago to warn them of his son's radicalization. Eegh.

BRIEF HISTORY OF LOSERS LIKE HIM: You'd think terrorists would know that it's probably a bad idea to fuck around on an airplane, because people on airplanes who are near them will undoubtedly kick the shit out of them on the regular, and ask questions later. Terrorists, don't you get it? Airline passengers all around the world—and especially Americans—will not hesitate to give you a down home ass stomping if you wild out. Richard Reid tried to do it in 2001, they kicked the shit out of him. Some guy shouted "I've got a bomb" in January and they kicked the shit out of him. This guy had an argument with an off-duty pilot, and they kicked the shit out of him and duct-taped him to his seat. Etc, etc, etc. Basically, if you even remotely appear to look like you're going to bring some ruckus on an airplane, your fellow passengers will kick the shit out of you. As was the case here. Good on those passengers. Or good on this one passenger!

WINNERS: Us! Because he failed. Also, this good looking fellow named Jasper Schuringa, who was identified as the guy who stopped Paula Abdul Farouk Whatever.

"I pulled the object from him and tried to extinguish the fire with my hands and threw it away," Schuringa told CNN. Schuringa said his hands were "pretty burned" after incident, but said the injuries were minor. "I am fine. I am shaken up. I am happy to be here."

You will also be happy to belatedly be the recipient of an abundance of ass in your stocking for Christmas. Dude's already got a Facebook fan page, which includes a marriage proposal. NICE.

LOSERS: People traveling into the US on international flights. If you're flying into America, and you look even remotely upset about your honey-roasted peanuts, you're going to be read the riot act and sent to a dark room with a lightbulb as soon as you land. The increased security measures this thing has prompted go something like this:

• Passengers on international flights coming into America only get one carry-on.
  
  
• During the final hour of your flight coming into America, you won't be able to get out of your seat.
  
  
• Or access your carry-on baggage.
  
  
• Or have "personal belongings or other items on their laps."
  
  
• And possibly, no electronics at all during international flights going into America. This is unconfirmed as wide policy, but if true, will make sitting next to me very awful, as Radiohead's oeuvre is typically my flight music of choice, and I will be forced to hum Kid A for upwards of six hours the next time I take an international flight back to America (next week). Or if I'm feeling really sadistic, Pablo Honey.

Remember when you used to be able to go to the gate and meet people at the gate? That was at the beginning of this decade! And here we are, at the end of this decade! Where some people can't even take a piss for the entire hour final hour of their flight. The times, they are changing.

Biggest Assholes: Al-Qaeda. Everyone who was pretty sure he wasn't an Al-Qaeda operative and just an asshole with thankfully bad engineering skills is wrong: he's an associated asshole.

Best Schadenfreude: The kid probably burned his balls really badly. The Red Hat Ladies of Terrorism—What? They're everywhere and nowhere at once. It makes sense.—sewed "80 grams of PETN, a compound related to nitro-glycerin used by the military" into his underwear by their top bomb maker in Yemen. If this guy's their top bomb maker, well, he's probably getting a demotion today. Awful upshot, however? Everyone's balls will be examined more thoroughly whenever they travel here on out:

The device intended to blow up the Northwest flight was made at the location in Yemen, according to Abdulmutallab, and consisted of a six-inch packet of powder and a syringe with a liquid. Both were sewn into the student's underwear so they would be near his testicles and unlikely to be detected, he told agents.

Basically, terrorists mess up everything for everyone. Trenchant Geopolitical Observation: Everyone should just blow out their cherry bombs and chill the fuck out.

[Top Photo via Getty Images]

• Hell yeah: Sienna Miller and Jude Law are back like woah. Sienna invited Jude to spend time in Barbados to celebrate their birthdays; not you, not me, just Jude. I'm for this. I can't explain why yet, but if Sienna Miller and Jude "I follow my dick and not the other way around" Law can work their shit out, who can't? Also, isn't Barbados kinda whimsical? I hear it is. I'm not sure. [Page Six]
  
  
• Demi Moore's pissed off about her W cover in which they erased part of her hip. I mean, better than her face, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis, Lady Gaga, will be performing at Miami's hotel-as-nightclub Kingdom of Spend, The Fontainebleau, for New Year's Eve. Well! Page Six is using this for their lead item: the show is becoming the most expensive ticket in the country for NYE. Gaga's only getting $300,000 for the show, meanwhile, ticket sales are above $1M. There're "a few $25,000 tables" left, and a GA ticket would run you $425. Meanwhile, in New York, you can freeze your ass off, go to Lucky Chang's, and tell your High Priestess of the Bar to go on stage, wear a funny hat, and sing "Poker Face" until it's 2010 or until everyone blacks out, and it'll only run you about $30. That's assuming they kick you out after taking your wallet. New York: where everything's simply better. [Page Six]
  
  
• Page Six thinks they kind of have some kind of exclusive on Mary J. Blige taking "no more drama" from her husband by hitting him in the kisser at her album release party. It looks to me like she's wiping some ketchup off his face, but, you know, we all see life through different lenses, or something. Maybe she's hitting him in the face because her release party was at M2/Mansion, which suuuucks. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jamie Pressley got married to this dude four months after she met him. FOUR MONTHS. [People]
  
  
• So, the new Yankees DH we got on a one-year contract instead of trying to keep Matsui went to Southern Hospitality—the restaurant Justin Timberlake once had some kind of stake in—and bought all of his friends dinner? And then Joey Fatone showed up? This item is too weird and I can't tell where the PR spin is coming from and I think I'm gonna be sick. NEXT. [Page Six]
  
  
• Gene Simmons is still totally rock and roll and still totally kicking people's asses. Rock. [NYDN]
  
  
• Angelina Jolie's basically like, "I'm crazy and want to fuck other dudes and when Brad Pitt and I argue about this things get heated." Lady, no shit. She said Brad gets "defiant." I hope this doesn't explain the beard. Then again, when I get "defiant," I normally just knock things over. Like trash cans. Mailboxes. Small people who aren't children but are not considered
  "by law" vertically challenged. Things that make satisfying noises when they break. You ever throw a really, reallyfuckingbig rock into a lake? It make this GA-GLOOP sound as it crashes. It's incredibly satisfying. [Page Six]
  
  
• Nic Cage being sued for all of his money makes me sad. Biggie was right: Mo Money, Mo Problems, no matter who you are. Even if you are Nic Cage, this is absolutely the case! [Page Six]
  
  
• Rihanna played Tug of War in the lobby at the Bryant Park Hotel with her friends. Over luggage. You know who lost? Rihanna's friends. Because they were staying at the Bryant Park Hotel. Who comes to town and stays on 42nd Street besides Fashion Week people and your parents? ON THE REALS. [Page Six]
  
  
• Nick Cannon and his old lady Mariah Carey got some underprivileged kids presents. BAWWWWZ. Also, "old lady," funny because it's true. [NYDN]
  
  
• Well, this is stupid. Page Six is trying to convince you that Fergie and Josh "I Cheated on Fergie and Had Sex With a Stripper" Duhamel are trying to have a baby together, because they were at a baby store, looking at things. Not at all because they may have been buying something for somebody else. Like me. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kanye West went to go see Avatard with Amber Rose, and he's now going to make his new album dressed entirely in blue. [People]
  
  
• H8U, Page Six, when you get into political reporting. There's some assemblyman named Richard Brodsky who runs some kind of public advocacy platform and also, apparently, apartments out of his barn, which he needs to clear up the violations on after his tenants ratted on him. One of them was like, "Not enough peanut butter, PLZ K THX." [Page Six]
  
  
• The NYDN runs down the Hollywood flameouts of the aughts, but they trenchantly observe that the careers of everyone who was in Scooby Doo basically got totally fucked. BAROO? indeed. [NYDN]
  
  
• People who aren't Jewish supposedly think the Coen Brothers' A Serious Man is too "inside Matzo Ball," or too Jewish. I mean, they're probably right. [Page Six]
  
  
• TMZ wants to know if you'd rather have sex with Goldie Hawn or Kate Hudson. I kind of think this is an all-or-nothing proposition. [TMZ]
  
  
• William Hurt was eating at some Turkish restaurant alone. [Page Six]
  
  
• It's Jared Leto's birthday! [D-Listed]

Okay, holidays are over, finally. Now we can get to your next reason to shamelessly get drunk and reminisce: New Year's! Also, did anybody get engaged yesterday? I hear Christmas is a big day for that kind of thing. Happy Boxing Day! That's today, right? Ugh. Yes. Too much Egg Nog. Time to dance it off.

The source, said to be a "senior US counter-terror official", said the man intended to blow Delta Flight 253 up, but the bomb failed. There was panic on the Airbus 330 which had 278 passengers on board. One person, possibly the suspect, was sent to the University of Michigan Medical Center at Ann Arbor, according to a hospital spokesperson.

ABC news are naming that suspect as Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, who they say is an engineering student at University College, London. (Wall Street Journal: "Abdul Mudallad"; MSNBC: "Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab".) They also add that he was flying to the United States for a religious ceremony. He was in government databases, they say, but not on a no-fly list.

As for the Al-Qaeda link, again via ABC:

Authorities have no corroboration of that information, and the credibility of the suspect's statements are being questioned, officials said.

The White House response, via Fox News (who can report straight sometimes):

President Barack Obama was notified of the incident by a military aide while vacationing with his family in Hawaii and convened a secure conference call with Homeland Security and Counter-terrorism Adviser John Brennan and NSS Chief of Staff Denis McDonough to discuss it, White House spokesman Bill Burton said.

"He asked to arrange a subsequent secure call and in that call instructed that all appropriate measures be taken to increase security for air travel. The President is actively monitoring the situation and receiving regular updates," Burton said in a statement.

More as it comes in.

Update:CNN says the Department of Homeland Security will not be raising the airline terror alert from "high" but some additional security measures will be taken at airports, which could include "extra screening" and more canine teams. Good news: Potential terrorist plot failed. Bad news: Going home from the holidays just got a little more annoying.

CNN is also reporting a weird coincidence: Another guy was arrested today on the same route, same airline, (different flight) for shouting "pro-Afghanistan, anti-American" statements and generally being rowdy. Law enforcement say the two incidents aren't related—the guy was just drunk:

All the hallmarks of the newly deposed corporate dining king—Google—are present in Frances Dinkelspiels' tour of Facebook HQ's cafeteria. (And not just Josef Desimone, the chef Facebook poached from Google last year.) Whereas pre-Recession America went gaga over the "Google 15", today we're supposed to pity/hate Facebook employees who pack on the "Facebook 15" due to all that "glistening pink lox":

Fred Labbe, a credit analyst who arrives at work at 5:45 a.m. to reach the European markets, said he ate at least two meals a day at Facebook. "The food is fantastic," Mr. Labbe said one recent morning as he savored a plate of scrambled eggs and a bagel smothered in glistening pink lox.

In the six months since he started at Facebook, Mr. Labbe said, he has put on at least four pounds - a problem so common that employees joke about gaining the "Facebook 15" after they begin work at the company.

In Google's considerable perks portfolio, free food always held a special place. More than a simple convenience, the gourmet cafeterias piled high with lobster or whatever were a potent symbol of both the dedication of the young Google employees—they don't even have time to pack a lunch!—and the all-encompassing, slightly sinister embrace of the big G. Now it's Facebook playing surrogate mother figure to its fresh-faced employees while gently pushing them to take over the world:

Offering free food, and copious amounts of it, is part of Facebook's strategy to encourage employees to work long hours. A significant number of the 800 employees at the company's main campus are in their early 20s, fresh off their college years where they pulled all-nighters and hung out talking in their dorm rooms. Facebook is famous for its regular "hackathons," where employees are invited to stay up all night and work on programs and platforms that are not part of their normal assignments; the kitchen staff participates by creating new dishes that are served at midnight, 3 a.m. and at breakfast time.

In short, food is a lubricant that helps keep the innovation machine running.

In fact, Facebook is taking the food obsession a step further, allowing employees to actually cook it via highly-coveted "Internships" with the head chef. When employees are begging to cook food for other employees you know you've tapped into a self-perpetuating anthill force that's begging to be bent towards global domination.

And, of course the requisite note about how bougie all the food is:

[Chef Josef Desimone] said he tried to use meat from animals that had not been exposed to antibiotics or genetically modified feed; organic produce; milk and butter from local purveyors like Strauss Dairy and Clover Farms; and live-caught or sustainable fish.

The Facebook vs. Google rivalry might swivel on a pivot made of Thai-spiced cilantro chicken with red curry sauce.

Our source says journalists were told that:

...reports of natural disasters, plane crashes and the like will come from the AP, The New York Times, the Washington Post or Britain's Daily Telegraph.

He also adds that the scrapping of the department is, internally, a defeat for the tantrum-prone editor-in-chief Matt Winkler.

Tom Secunda, one of Mike Bloomberg's earliest associates, and Dan Doctoroff, sent from City Hall to oversee the company, have been campaigning for much of the past year for Bloomberg to concentrate solely on business news and leave the rest to others. None of this stopped Winkler, in interview after interview, to insist [sic] that Bloomberg planned to expand its general news coverage to compete on all levels with Reuters.

Chairman Peter Grauer was apparently also in the dark — when asked about the disbanding of the section by someone in the London newsroom, on December 18, he said it was "not on my radar screen."

The Chinese decided, completely by accident and with no thought that a lot of the West shuts down today, to sentence a political dissident, Liu Xiaobo, to 11 years for inciting "subversion of state power." It was the harshest punishment of a dissident for two decades, according to the Times of London. Liu published six critical articles on the internet and organized a petition. One of the demands of that petition was that "we should end the practice of viewing words as crimes." The irony will probably not keep him warm in Siberia or wherever the government send him.

In Afghanistan, meanwhile, the Taliban released a video of a captured American soldier to taunt his family on Christmas day. Which I suppose is not much worse than what went on in Abu Ghraib, but that's really no bar to be setting for decency to your fellow man. Pfc. Bowe Robert Bergdahl, 23, was captured in June. From CNN:

To release this video on Christmas Day is an affront to the deeply concerned family and friends of Bowe Bergdahl, demonstrating contempt for religious traditions and the teachings of Islam," said U.S. Navy Rear Adm. Gregory Smith, spokesman for NATO's International Security Assistance Force.

To make it worse — the army has been unable to reach Bergdahl's family in Idaho because of the storm in the Midwest. People, people, people. Can we all just be a little nicer to each other? Have countless heartwarming Christmas movies in which a mean person learns the value of generosity and warmth not taught us anything? Copies of Trading Places and Scrooged should be dispatched to Hu Jintao and Maulana Fazlullah, or some other prominent Taliban leader, immediately.

A tipster wrote of his encounter with the recently-publicly-single Robbins yesterday:

Ha.  So normally I would have texted this in the moment it happened but I really wanted to sit down and get it right.  This afternoon I was hustling from my Christmas shopping in the East Village back to Queens.  I was making good time getting to the Union Square station when I got caught at the corner of 13th and 3rd.  As I stood there, I turned to my right and realized that the man standing next to me in a full-length black fur coat was, indeed, Tim Robbins.  My unfiltered immediate reaction, "That really sucks about the split; you guys were great!"  The color then drained  from his face.  To try and mitigate, "At least the press didn't have a chance to give you too much shit?"  He grumbled back, "They will."  Then he did a soccer mom save to alert me to the cab that was about to hit me.  And that was my Christmas Eve with Susan Sarandon's old boytoy.

And so Tim Robbins, the massively fur-coated lion, saved our tipster's mouse of a life.

The moral of "The Lion and the Mouse" is, Little friends may prove great friends. But in the real world, little friends will just rat you out to the very website that is rumormongering about your old girlfriend and her possible Ping Pong-playing hipster lover. (Lest we be charged with Sexist Ageism™, we just want to make clear that "old" here is used in the sense of "former," and not "dating from the remote past," "showing the effects of time or use," or even "of a grayish or dusty color.")

The tangled ping pong tournament that is life goes thwacking along.

Has your life recently been saved by a celebrity? Tell us: Stalker sightings can be submitted to stalker@gawker.com or to the #Stalker hashtag, if you're an approved commenter.

It makes sense that a bunch of young people in peak physical condition thrown together would... go on exercises. But a CNN story today reveals the scandals afoot under the command of Major General Anthony Cucolo (who put the rules in place for the 22,000 troops, including 1,682 women under his command).

The rule prohibited:

...becoming nondeployable for reasons within the control of the soldier," including "becoming pregnant or impregnating a soldier ... resulting in the redeployment of the pregnant soldier.

Probably because eight women got pregnant under his sexxxy command. While the rule said a court martial was a possible punishment, four of them got letters of reprimand and four were "not impregnated while deployed" so beat the rule. Ha! The men were not so lucky.

Of the men involved, three were reprimanded, Cucolo said. One, a sergeant, was given a more severe punishment of a written reprimand in his permanent file because he fraternized with a subordinate and committed adultery. A letter in the permanent file can affect a person's career because it is evaluated when a service member is considered for promotion. A fourth man was never reprimanded because the pregnant soldier refused to identify who the father was...

All this intrigue can now go on in the desert unabashed. So if the deployment's a rockin', don't come a knockin'.

Update (1.42pm): A tipster points out that this is not the only Tiger Woods billboard still up at LaGuardia. It's amazing how words can take on such different meanings.

'Experts' say, in this New York Times article, that old stoves and fireplaces can put out as much bad stuff (a technical term) as seven diesel buses. So they've started a kind of cash-for-clunkers program to replace these bad, dreadful, beautiful, romantic old stoves with microwaves and toasters. Well, more efficient new stoves. Whatever.

Some old-stove-havers are calling bullshit on the whole thing and refusing to take the $1000 cash in and buy a new one (which costs from $1500 to $4000). Others have gone all Stasi about it and are reporting their neighbors to the Man if they spot smoke coming from chimneys. Here's what happened to a California woman. Probably a rosy-cheeked California woman at that:

I get nasty notes from someone here in town on my woodpile," Mrs. Clark, 65, said. "There is one woman who walks up and down the street looking for smoke in people's chimneys. She has her own spies - kids and other women who walk around with notebooks, looking for smoke.

Even worse — the San Francisco bay area has banned wood fires today — on Christmas motherfucking day — because weather conditions are not conducive to dispersing the emissions. You'll have to watch our Gawker Internet Yule Log™ instead.

In other news: Bing Crosby is to be replaced by Jar-Jar Binks in a new, all-CGI version of White Christmas. Michael Bay is slated to direct. Santa, played by Jason Statham, is graphically eviscerated by a reindeer at the end. In 3-D. While this (NSFW — but who cares today) plays.

Last time the Obamas tried to get away from it all for a little while was in summer — but then Ted Kennedy went and died and Ben Bernanke was renominated as Fed chairman. He already had to delay the start of this vacation to helicopter over the healthcare bill. Now he and the family — and his aides and military advisors — have taken off he really, really wants to do nothing. From the AP:

White House spokesman Bill Burton told reporters aboard Air Force One on Thursday that the president wants to spend his holiday in his birthplace away from the news-of-the-moment distractions that have dominated his first year in office. No public events were scheduled and the best any of the president's aides could promise would be bets whether lefty Obama would out-drive his good friends - joining him from Chicago - on the golf course.

Which raises the question, if he's really determined not to do much, as to what are Presidential round-the-house clothes are like. Are there some stained sweatpants with the presidential seal on? Do the Secret Service have to sniffer-dog a 'Vegas or Bust' hoody that someone gave the president as part of an in-joke in 1993? Are there — and this is a question of vital national importance — official Snuggies?

Christians think about Big Baby Jesus. Jews think about their magical eight-night Pennzoil. Kwanzaa...I don't know. [Do you?] But a long held mystery of the universe: On Christmas, the Semites of America eat Chinese food. Why? Sure: it's the only thing that's open. Lots of Chinese food could, I guess, be considered Kosher. There're plenty of "logical" reasons, none of which are really all that sufficient when you get down to it! Fact is, an essential part of the answer to this question has been missing: authority.

That said, there are only so many times you can ask "WWJ8LD?" (or: "What would former New York Times columnist and dumpling expert Jennifer 8. Lee do?) every December 25th when it comes to the yearly mystic ritual of Jews and Chinese food. Well, Jenny "8-Ball" Lee: you're not the only expert on this in New York. In fact, you're playing second fiddle in this city to someone on our masthead: Adrian Chen.

Adrian's half-Jewish! He's also of Asian decent. And just because he's not speaking at the 92nd Street Y doesn't mean The Jews (i.e. me) or the rest of the world (i.e. whoever's still on the internet right now) don't need to hear this knowledge unearthed for the first time from such an authoritative first-hand source. Sometimes, when you're doing investigative reporting, the answer is right under your nose, as was the case for me here! It goes without saying, but the whole "Jewish thing" may have made getting past this exponentially more difficult...up until now. This is game-changing work right here. Presenting the answer to the most important, multi-ethnic, cross-cultural question in the history of America's December Holidays:

[Click to Enlarge.]

Happy Holidays, everyone! May the cookies of your holiday fortune be filled with wonderful things.

Specifically, they watch a 1958 Christmas special called "Donald Duck and his friends wish you a Merry Christmas." The annual broadcast is a huge nation-wide event: According to Slate's Jeremy Stahl, as many as half the population may at this very moment be sitting in front of their TVs watching Kalle Anka och hans vänner önskar God Jul, which is what they call the special in their alien language, Swedish.

God Jul!

We have papal contact.

To use the Gawker Internet Yule Log™:
1)On Christmas morning, press "Play".
2)Bask in its glory.

Merry Christmas, you ungrateful wretches.

AmericaBlog's John Aravosis received the tip from someone at the University of Phoenix, which Aravosis says will be Bloomberg's competitor once they launch a planned for-profit education project. Golden (who Talking Biz News says is a Pulitzer Prize Winner and former Wall Street Journal reporter) sent this email to investment banker Mark DeFusco during the editing phase of a piece he was working on about for-profit education which focused on the decline of the University of Phoenix (which is owned by the Apollo Group):

Hi Mark,

How are you? My story's going through editing and my editor had a couple questions. One is — I identified you as an education investment banker — and he was wondering what deals you've done, and if perhaps there's one that's particularly noteworthy that we might mention.

Also, the theme of my story seems to be along the lines of — apollo has done well as a stock and had rapid growth, but now it's facing some potential vulnerabilities — a less sympathetic federal administration, plus possibly the limits to its growth (meaning that its shift to axia college has led to some problems because its growth has come with low-income, less prepared students who are more likely to drop out). I'd love it if you could come up something on the record that might reflect some of this — perhaps along the lines of — Phoenix's original model was magic because XXX — but the current model has some of the same flaws that have dogged other for-profit schools — X and Y.
Perhaps if you have some time this afternoon we could discuss?

Thanks,

Dan

We're guessing it was for this story. (Suspiciously, the story does not appear to be in Bloomberg's online archives, and the link you get to the story via Google leads to a different University of Phoenix-related story. We had to use the always-useful Google 'cache' button to find it.) It appears that DeFusco didn't take Golden's suggestions verbatim, but—SHOCKER!—he did offer some helpful support to Golden's overall thesis.

We would dial up the outrage meter, but this actually seems like a pretty good way for journalists to speed up the super tedious process of reporting a story. (Why do you think I became a blogger?) Maybe Golden could teach a seminar at his local J-school: "Interviews 101: How to write them."

Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake's follow-up to 2006's Dick in the Box was released this past May—and there was Susan Sarandon as one of the song's titular mother's, being loved with waffle condiments by a goateed Justin. The video came just prior to Sarandon's split from Tim Robbins and summertime rumors that she'd been cheating on him. Sexy!

Now, we learn that Sarandon may have left Robbins for Jonathan Bricklin, the hipster entrepreneur who's devoted his life to making the New York social scene a safe space for ping pong. Sarandon's rep is refuting our theory that the 63 year-old left Tim Robbins to hook up with a 31 year-old Bricklin, telling ABC News: "Susan's relationship with Jonathan Bricklin is strictly a business one." OK!

So was Sarandon's role a winking spoof on her own penchant for bright young things or a stupid move, in light of her rumored infidelities with said young things? (Which, we admit, may be too good to be true.) Either way, she looked pretty damn good doing it. Slide show with accompanying humorous commentary: Engage!

"Who knew ping pong left you so parched?"

"I've been a fan ever since my parents conceived me to the 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' soundtrack."

"So you're SURE Tim isn't going to freak out about this, right?"

"Keep your dirty mitts off my boyfriend!" -Jessica Biel

"We must never let these pictures fall into the hands of the gossip website www.gawker.com, lest we become the subject of a slideshow with accompanying funny captions."

"So... how old ARE you, anyway? No no no, I completely agree that age is just a number. I'm just kind of a numbers freak is all. Here, we'll do a word problem: If I subtracted your age from mine, would I get a number lower or higher than the number of pull ups I can do? I can do 32 pull-ups."

The video.

The BBC report that Anthony Finbar Burke was stabbed in the abdomen near his home in North Wales at around 10.30 last night. He later died in hospital. A 19-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of murder. And, one presumes, extremely unsportsmanlike conduct.

Be careful before you form snow into a ball and throw it jovially at someone else, like you've seen on TV. The world is a tough place now. And people come to snowball fights armed to the teeth. The woman in the picture above has filled her snowball with dirty smack needles. And that thing hanging from her shoulder? A shiv. If you fuck with her she will cut you. CUT YOU. So keep your distance.

WTVD, an ABC affiliate in Raleigh-Durham says that, according to sources, Madoff was admitted to Duke University Hospital on Friday with facial fractures, broken ribs and a collapsed lung. He was apparently discharged two days ago, though officials at Butner prison, where he's serving 150 years, would not confirm the report. They did say, however, that Madoff had been moved to the medical wing of the prison.

Maybe he just walked into a really big door.

According to the Times' Prescriptions Blog:

The majority leader of the United States Senate, Harry Reid of Nevada, on the verge of making history by shepherding through landmark health care legislation, was called upon by the clerk to cast his vote.

And Mr. Reid, who has fought, night and day, nail and tooth, for months to get the health care bill adopted, looked up from his desk and said: "No."

For a millisecond there was silence in the chamber. Had he lost it? Was he joking?

Within half a second, Mr. Reid had switched his vote to "yes."

And after 25 straight days of bitter, partisan debate, senators on both sides of the aisle busted up laughing

.

Reid would later chalk up the gaffe to being "bushed" after spending months working on the bill. We know the feeling, Reid. Last month we pulled an all-nighter to hit a deadline. The next morning we were so out of it we accidentally poured orange juice in our cereal instead of milk!

• Kids are believing in Santa Claus for longer!
• The jobless rate is, unexpectedly, going down. It's a Christmas miracle!
• People are drinking tea, and having tea-parties, in a completely literal sense that has nothing to do with Glenn Beck. Tea is a good thing!
• Apple's tablet will probably be out at the end of January. And we all know that it will save journalism. Joy!
• And finally, a zoo in Japan, Yokohama Hakkeijima Sea Paradise, has dressed white beluga whales as snowmen!

It is a ridiculous piece of propaganda — who the hell is anti-life? — and has permeated even the most rigorous publications. A search on the New York Times website, for example, reveals that they have used it dozens of times (and not always in quotes from others) over the last month or so.

If self-proclaimed 'pro-lifers' were actually 'pro-life', rather than just anti-abortion, they would presumably also be against the death penalty and for increased regulation of guns. But that's often not the case. There is apparently no moral difficulty for many in holding lethal injection as sacrosanct as the embryo.

They would also, as this piece points out, be for increased contraceptive services — because in one sense an unwanted pregnancy avoided is a life saved. But they're not. They're just blindly anti-abortion.

It may be difficult, or impossible, to successfully reconcile the right to choose and those who would deny that choice in the healthcare bill that will hopefully go before the president soon. It's much, much easier for journalistic institutions to stop using the phrase 'pro-life' outside of quotation marks right now. This instant.

The public option and expansion of Medicare have been much discussed. They did not make it in the forms many wanted — due partly to the intransigence of Joe Lieberman and Ben Nelson. According to the New York Times, this is the substance of what passed. The bill would:

• Require that most Americans have health insurance.
• Add 15 million to Medicaid.
• Subsidize private coverage for low and middle income people (at a cost of $871bn over 10 years, according to the Congressional Budget Office).
• Cover 31 million Americans who are not currently covered, but leave 23 million uninsured in 2019, according to the CBO.
• Prevent insurers denying coverage because of a person's medical condition.
• Prevent insurers discriminating on the basis of sex or health status.
• Prevent insurers rescinding care when someone becomes sick or disabled.
• Force insurers to include a summary of benefits that "does not exceed four pages in length and does not include print smaller than 12-point font."
• Limit insurance company profits by forcing them to spend between 80 and 85 cents of every dollar on healthcare.
• Set up healthcare exchanges — a kind of marketplace for insurance shoppers which feature tax credits — that are the last remnants of a public option.

The bottom line seems to be that it's not perfect, but it is something. The thorny issue of abortion — many old men without wombs in both houses would like to deny it to women — will be dealt with when the House and Senate bills are reconciled. Here are some views from Senators, taken from the Times piece:

Senator Sherrod Brown, Democrat of Ohio, said insurance companies were often "just one step ahead of the sheriff."

Senator Dianne Feinstein, Democrat of California, said the industry "lacks a moral compass."

"Premiums are out of hand," Mrs. Feinstein said. "Chief executive salaries are out of hand. Administrative costs are out of hand. My bottom-line belief is that the health insurance industry should be nonprofit."

And Senator Sheldon Whitehouse, Democrat of Rhode Island, said the business model of the health insurance industry deserved to die.

"It deserves a stake through its cold and greedy heart," Mr. Whitehouse said.

The stake seems to have missed its target. But it may have wounded the insurance industry enough to make it more manageable.