No One at Yahoo! Wants To Use Yahoo! Mail

Tech workers: they're just like the rest of us. Despite all the bluster of renewed innovation and the fiery spirit of Mayer-ism, Yahoo! Mail remains a calcified piece of shit—and naturally no one at Yahoo! wants to use it. AllThingsD got its hands on an internal memo, and boy do they seem upset.

According to the email, sent by Yahoo! execs Jeff Bonforte and Randy Roumillat, only a quarter of staffers have made the switch to their own mail product. That's pretty poor, but entirely unsurprising, given that it's 2013, and no one uses Yahoo! Mail unless they've lost a bet. You can't blame people for not using an atrocious email service—and really, you shouldn't want your employees using something unreliable and bad for business purposes.

And yet, instead of meaningful change, here's a rambling, unhinged, rather hostile email—this must really not be a very fun place to work. Somehow, I have a feeling Google doesn't have to resort to these tactics to get people to use Gmail:

Hello Yahoos,

Earlier this year we asked you to move to Yahoo Mail for your corporate email account. 25% of you made the switch (thank you). But even if we used the most generous of grading curves (say, the one from organic chemistry), we have clearly failed in our goal to move our co-workers to Yahoo Mail.

It's time for the remaining 75% to make the switch. Beyond the practical benefits of giving feedback to your colleagues on the Mail team, as a company it's a matter of principle to use the products we make. (BTW, same for Search.)

For some reading this email, you are saying, "Jeff, shut up, you had me at hello." *hug* Jump over to yo/dogfood, click "Corp Mail/Cal/ Messenger" and you are ready to join our brave new world at yo/corpmail or https://mail.yahoo-inc.com.

For others, you might now be running in your head to a well worn path of justified resistance, phoning up the ol' gang, circling the hippocampian wagons of amygdalian resistance. Hold on a sec, pilgrim.

First, it doesn't feel like we are asking you to abandon some glorious place of communications nirvana. At this point in your life, Outlook may be familiar, which we can often confuse with productive or well designed. Certainly, we can admire the application for its survival, an anachronism of the now defunct 90s PC era, a pre-web program written at a time when NT Server terrorized the data center landscape with the confidence of a T-Rex born to yuppie dinosaur parents who fully bought into the illusion of their son's utter uniqueness because the big-mouthed, tiny-armed monster infant could mimic the gestures of The Itsy-Bitsy Pterodactyl. There was a similar outcry when we moved away from Outlook's suite-mates in the Microsoft Office dreadnaught. But whether it's familiarity, laziness or simple stubbornness dressed in a cloak of Ayn Randian Objectivism, the time has come to move on, commrade [sic...go deep in this pun, it is layered].

Using corp mail from the Y Mail web interface is remarkably feature rich. It supports booking conference rooms, folders, calendar, filters and global address book. Plus, you get built-in Messenger, smart conversation threading, powerful keyboard shortcuts, the new quick actions, attachment preview and our beautiful new rich themes. In the rare case you do need Outlook, like adding a delegate for your calendar, you can still fire up Outlook for 30 seconds.

But wait there's more. By using corporate Mail, you'll automatically get to dogfood our new features first. I'm especially excited about a new feature premiering in just a few more days: smart auto-suggest, powered by a platform from the still-have-that-new-acquisition-smell Xobni team. We have been testing this feature with select users in and out of the company and the response has been fantastic: "Whoa!", "Amazing", "Already in love with it. Woot!" and, my favorite, "So nicely integrated that it appears as if it's always been there. I already can't imagine it not being there again."

Feeling that little tingle? Take a deep breath, you can do this. We want you on board, sailor!

Please note, on the mobile side, corp mail is not yet supported in our Mail app for Android or iOS, but that will change (PB&J!). And, like all dogfood offerings, there is a feedback link in the product. Use it generously so we can make the improvements to make Yahoo Mail the unquestioned inbox champion of the world. I pitty [sic] the fool who resists.

Thanks for your support. It really does matter and we appreciate it.

Jeff Bonforte, SVP Communications Products
Randy Roumillat, CIO

Even if they're forced to give in and start getting high on their own supply, the "Yahoos" can take some solace: at least it's not AOL.