Right now, many of the worst people alive are flocking to a tiny, silly Swiss town for a week of swapping platitudes and talking about money. But why would our planet's ultrarich dickheads want to attend Davos, where Mark Zuckerberg's useless sister is considered a "Young Global Leader"?
Davos is the vibrating, gilded king of conferences. "Business world" attendees spend tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars to muse about nebulous non-topics like "The Reshaping of the World: Consequences for Society, Politics and Business." Business publications happily blow portions of their annual budgets just to say they have someone at Davos. It's the most expensive possible dinner party, a dreamworld Xanadu concocted by the collective unconscious of white people who live like Brookstone catalog characters.
I can feel the intensity of this game all the way in Europe, just by following my social media streams. #GONINERS
— Randi Zuckerberg (@randizuckerberg) January 20, 2014
But at least, on paper, these people are supposed to be influential. They're captains of industry, decorated academics, or just really fucking rich inbred Europeans, or at least they pretend to try. This year's "List of Registered Young Global Leaders" includes Ivy League economists, the crown princess of Norway, and c-suite drips from all manner of corporations. They might not really be the best and brightest, but they at least do things, of some sort, during the day.
Then, there's Randi Zuckerberg, whose aspirational fame train ran out of steam long ago, but continues a downhill cruise in spite of itself. USA Today calls her a "key participant" of Davos, and at the bottom of this World Economic Forum list, alphabetically and otherwise, she's cited as "Founder and Chief Executive Officer" of Zuckerberg Media—a corporate entity that has so far done nothing much beyond planning a wedding for one of Randi's friends. She's as much a "chief executive" as Colonel Sanders was a tactician.
You can't out Randi Zuckerberg as a social climber in 2014, because that happened years ago—and it's a given she's at Davos to sing at cocktail parties, not discuss monetary policy. But if this is a multi-multi-million dollar assemblage of mostly pretenders and charlatans, we should all just acknowledge as much, move on, and hope this is the last time R-Zuck is taken seriously.
No matter what, barring a fortuitous avalanche, not a single important thing will happen at Davos this year. I promise you. It's why people who actually matter, like, say, Mark Zuckerberg, don't bother.
Photo of Randi Zuckerberg at the last conference she attended/Getty