Sean Parker's Wedding: Tackier Than We Ever Dreamt

Ex-Facebook president, drug enthusiast, and High Elf of The Redwoods Sean Parker is a private man—he just wanted to marry his beautiful cosplaying fiancee in peace, along with hundreds of their rich and powerful friends. Oh, and a Vanity Fair writer, who detailed the whole thing.

The writeup, lovingly told by Facebook-approved access journalist David Kirkpatrick, is a supreme accomplishment in the genre of wealth erotica, and sort of belies Parker's claims that he just wanted to celebrate in peace—inviting a magazine reporter and photographers is not the way to find peace, anywhere. But now Vanity Fair claims we have "all the details" of the woodland love rite. I clicked for the gross details, you clicked for the gross details, so let's not make this any fussier than it needs to be.

Here is everything horrible and new we now know about Sean Parker's grotesquely overpriced, environmentally destructive wedding:

1. Olivia Munn was there, and she was holding a bunny.

2. The couple's first dance was creepy: "For the first dance, the groom serenaded the bride with a song from The Little Mermaid: 'Look at this trove, treasures untold / How many wonders can one cavern hold?'"

3. Zuck did not attend.

4. Each guest received a book detailing the story of the Parker/Lenas relationship. Good read.

5. Even Sean Parker thinks the costumes at Sean Parker's wedding were weird: “How many times do you get to dress up 364 guests in crazy costumes?” Just once, I hope.

6. The costumes were not Game of Thrones inspired. They were steampunk.

7. Everything else was Game of Thrones inspired.

8. Guests watched a television scene depicting a brutal massacre at a wedding after the wedding: "The following night, stragglers gathered around an inflatable outdoor screen to watch the bloody 'Red Wedding' episode of Game of Thrones."

9. Guests were exquisitely infantilized: "A pen of bunnies was nearby for anyone who needed a cuddle."

10. The Vanity Fair piece doesn't say Sean Parker didn't have sex in front of all the guests atop this huge furry bed.

11. Famous people were alienated: "At dinner Jack Dorsey sat with Sting, trying unsuccessfully to persuade him to use Twitter, which Dorsey invented."

12. Sean Parker used an ornamental cane on his wedding day.

13. Sean Parker's bride very much wants to be the dragon mom from Game of Thrones, to an extent that makes me uncomfortable.

14. The cake looked good, sure.

15. Some idiot lost the wedding ring: "Somebody dropped the ring that Lenas had intended for Parker’s finger, and it got lost amid the carpet of strewn white rose petals. Her quick-witted father pulled his off, as a replacement."

16. Did we mention Sean Parker is rich: "At five A.M. guests guzzled leftover bottles of $500-plus wine from Napa Valley’s Harlan Estate."

17. Sean Parker canceled his honeymoon to write that 10,000 word TechCrunch rant, which, like Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha.

Sean Parker's Wedding: Tackier Than We Ever Dreamt
18. Brit Morin was on her iPhone while the couple exchanged vows.

To masturbate to completion, I recommend reading the entirety of the Vanity Fair essay, which is worth it just for this line: "From the start, Parker and Lenas had sought to avoid the spotlight." And they grabbed attention and money by the fistful, happily ever after.