If you're wondering what a Digital Prophet at AOL does to justify his existence (and salary), here is video documentation. Today, David Shing, everyone's favorite tech clown stood before a rapt audience at the TNW Europe Conference 2014, and made up a lot of words.

This is the work ("work") of an executive at a very large, august, publicly traded company with a market capitalization of $3.3 billion. These are real people, who showed up to this Very Serious Business Conference, wherein "attendees [traveled] to Amsterdam to discuss the latest web trends, learn about best business practices and meet the world's influencers of technology & innovation." You will probably get a nosebleed or minor brain hemorrhage if you watch this.

The presentation—if you can call a waking nightmare a presentation—had no theme. There was no narrative. There was no point. What followed was a string of incoherent, unrelated industry vignettes, Seussian fragments of a psychopathological startup economy that doesn't dare diagnose itself. A short video clip of dog driving a car might have been the most meaningful moment.

Here are some quick takeaways, if you're too hyper-local to X your N+4 in the mobile first beta-age:

  • Hyper-gratification
  • Videos are good
  • "Sound will be very important to us in the future"
  • Wearables
  • 6-?
  • Embrace always logged in
  • Embrace Platforms
  • Wearables
  • Co-Create
  • Ever seen a cat with Wi-Fi?
  • Who gave that cat Wi-Fi?
  • What's the future of purple? Dark purple
  • Dark internet to "lighten the mood"
  • Is your brand not telepathic yet? When not?
  • Have you synchronized? Trick question: yes
  • Ability-ability

Thanks everyone, for sitting here and letting me mock your industry while being paid for it. I'll see you at the next conference! Shingy OUT!