Coming up today:
- The opposite of "bury it on a Friday"
- Facebook is the new spam
- Two web app reviews you won't find on TechCrunch
- Another reason PodTech is scum
- Two men who want to run San Francisco
- Ten Things I Hate About Denton
- Robert Scoble finally gets some press
- Maybe some video of me, drunk

I believe Kanye put it best:

Bow in the presence of greatness Cause right now thou has forsaken us You should be honored by my lateness That I would even show up to this fake shit So go ahead go nuts go ape shit

Apropos of nothing, that song's going to be this year's summer hit, and some of you losers need culture like my grandma needs a rubdown. So here's a gratuitous music video:

Photo: (CC) Thomas Hawk Update: Tom decided that Valleywag can't use his CC-licenced photos either, and Gawker Media policy is to respect these wishes. New photo by Scott Beale, who is not a dick!

So Valleywag's brother site Gizmodo made a Digg policy, saying they'd only stick a big yellow badge pointing to the popular social news site on their original articles. I quote exactly:

It's not fair when we get the Digg for someone else's work. Let's keep the signal-to-noise WE'RE BORING OLD FARTS AND VALLEYWAG IS COOLER WHY NOT GO READ THEM NOW?

I totally did not make any of that up! Anyway, then our anal-retentive sister site Lifehacker went even further and posted a bullet-point list. I mean holy crap, look at this thing! Why didn't they just post a whole frakking Powerpoint slide?

Okay, here's Valleywag's Digg policy: Go nuts. First off, it's not like we're the traffic powerhouse of Gawker. Second, how can you ever tell what's original around here, what with the crazy feeds from other sites and publisher Nick Denton's little passive-aggressive half-stories.

So I repeat: Go nuts. Submit anything you want from Valleywag. Submit the front page for all I care. Submit this article! Over-diggers aren't our problem, they're Digg's problem.

But unless you're choosy, you're gonna look like a moron, on Digg. And that's like looking underdressed in a soup kitchen.

So to summarize: Submit anything you want from Valleywag to Digg (we have little buttons for that on each article that we wrote), but know that you'll probably ruin your reputation if you digg, like, everything.

Now don't digg this article, dammit.

We started whipping voice recorders, and Scoble whipped out this monster podcast recorder the size of a small lunchbox. Scobble rattled off some stats, and I added that it was probably good for giving other podcasters inferiority complexes. Bill cracked up, and it made my day. The guy is human. Quite human, as he'd later tell the story of how he got arrested in Albuquerque in 1978.

I'd asked him about the mug shot on Wikipedia, and at first he looked a bit apprehensive, but answered. Apparently, Bill loves fast cars. In 1978, he told us, he'd gotten 3 speeding tickets on his drive to move up to Seattle. Two from the same cop. It was a Porsche 911 from that era. By the end of the story, he seemed to pleasantly distracted. Maybe he was thinking about the sensation of the road tearing underneath him at +100MPH, in a fine German automobile, instead of Vista.

People think about Larry Ellison's fighter jets, and Steve Jobs' hipness. But why does no one talk about Bill Gates' speed freak tendencies? It's a story that isn't quite new, but it definitely isn't told often enough.

From a Time piece on Bill Gates:

When Microsoft was based in Albuquerque, New Mexico, in its early years, he bought a Porsche 911 and used to race it in the desert; Paul Allen had to bail him out of jail after one midnight escapade.

Later, he ripped into Scoble for not quoting numbers when Scoble gently asked about whether or not MSFT was power-saving conscious. "Before you ask the question, do the math...Be Numeric!"

Pwned by Bill! He's actually a cool guy. –Brian Lam

The satellite could record images of an area as large as 2,000 square kilometers. The cameras on the Ikonos boast a very high resolution, able to get a bead on objects 39 inches wide.

Hopefully, James "Macgyver" Kim is putting the lighters, a strobe from his camera, and snowshoes to good use. If you know anything, please contact the folks who are running JamesandKati.com. Our thoughts are with you, buddy.—Brian Lam

James Kim Missing [Gizmodo]
Satellite to be rerouted in James Kim Search [Cnet]

A few minutes before Saturday's sunset, somewhere on the Gold Coast, James called a hotel clerk to confirm their reservations at a small inn. The innkeeper expected to see them before midnight, after they passed through the coastal range via Highway 38. That road would have eventually brought James to US 101 and then, over the Golden Gate on Sunday. But investigators believe that James and family never made it out of the mountainous pass. Weather reports say it was raining last Saturday, and in the nearby low lying town of Eugene, it would dip to 35 degrees — roads could have been frosty up in the hills. As of 9am this morning, investigators are searching looking for any trace of the family, or their silver Saab. The car has the license plate "DoeSF," the name of the boutique clothing store Kati and James own together on SF's Lower Haight. Buckled into the car would also be 4-month and seven-year old daughters Sabrine and Penelope.

Cross your fingers for James and his family. And if you hear anything, please call the San Francisco police immediately at 415-558-5508 during normal business hours and at 415-553-1071 after-hours. The Portland Police Bureau's Missing Persons Unit can be reached at 503-823-0446. Here's the official police report.

[Crave, Engadget]

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Except that I'm back — thanks again, Rick Abruzzo, for writing Valleywag last week.

Yes, it's a good Monday to return to work. Here's Valleywag friend Theo DP to stoke your xenophobia with an item to remind you that techies aren't the only ones losing jobs to India.

On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog. Or an overtired No Child Left Behind tutor working the third shift in India. After learning that more than 2,000 schoolchildren have been interacting with 250 unscreened tutors based in India who claimed they were in Texas, the NYC Dept. of Education suspended the $2.4M-and-counting contract of TX-based Socratic Learning (aka SL INC), who is apparently the 'US based market leader' owner of Tutors World Wide India (TWWI). Socratic Learning came to investigators' attention after allegations were made that the company illegally offered computers to parents of students who completed its tutoring program, an event which nets the company about $2,175 per student. According to a recent Usenet post, TWWI offers tutors 8,000 rupees per month, or about $177.

Photo by Ashbloem [Flickr]

• Sources say venture capital firm Bridgescale is throwing a party for over 100 people at the Quadrus conference center on Sand Hill Road.
• Note to Alleywag applicants: We found writers for Friday and Sunday, thanks!
• Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen sells a chunk of his share in Dreamworks Animation, giving the New York Post a chance to drag up the worst possible photo of him (shown here), even worse than the shot of Yahoo CEO Terry Semel they rant the other day. Really, are they paying a kid with a camphone to sneak into meetings with these execs, or are they just blowing up 16x16 images? [New York Post]
• By the way, if you haven't been watching Bill Gates, the Microsoft founder is spending his days saving the world from AIDS. In other news, Mac fanboys still call him a devil because he built a crappy operating system. [Sci-Tech Today]
• Another Microsoft exec leaves to "spend more time with his family." Can we get a new alibi already, or has no one in tech actually learned to spend time with their families before they get unpopular at work and are shoved into retirement? [Register]
• No tech mogul for prez — Nextel cofounder and former Virginia governor Mark Warner announced today he won't enter the '08 race. [Washington Post]
• Dear Motley Fool: Shut up and eat your Grand Slam. [Motley Fool]

• Can you read this line without losing your breakfast? "This Friday, October 13, The New Yorker's Ken Auletta will engage Marissa Mayer, the woman who has spear-headed almost every user-interface change to Google's website in the past two years, and Nathan Myhrvold, former Chief Strategist and CTO of Microsoft and now the founder of Intellectual Ventures, in a discussion on the effects of technology on the media and entertainment industries, as well as on consumers." Hope so, because this interview takes place over a free breakfast at the Bryant Park Grill — free, anyway, for the correspondent who gets Valleywag's invitation.
• HP ex-chief Carly Fiorina hits the 92nd Street Y this Sunday to discuss her new memoir. Questions not to ask: "You spend time in both Silicon Valley and D.C. Which populace is uglier?" [92nd Y]

Neuro: I like your thinking, not your grammar. You're fired.
Anonymous, it's against Valleywag policy to purely enjoy the comments of others. Positivity will not be tolerated.
Funmeister: Your logic does not compute.
Gawker artist Travis Hammond: Fired for that silly iPod art. Also, no one really says "ubik." If I see your art on Valleywag again, I'm calling security.
Michael Schurter, I don't get you. Fired.

Comment Cull: You're Fired [Valleywag]

So here, in no particular order, are the commenters who will no longer appear on Valleywag (until they get invited again).

• Neuro: I like your thinking, not your grammar. You're fired.
• Anonymous, it's against Valleywag policy to purely enjoy the comments of others. Positivity will not be tolerated.
• Funmeister: Your logic does not compute.
• Gawker artist Travis Hammond: Fired for that silly iPod art. Also, no one really says "ubik." If I see your art on Valleywag again, I'm calling security.
• Michael Schurter, I don't get you. Fired.

Frankly, Valleywag commenters are good. I'm just trying to find and kill the boss's pseudonymous comment accounts.

*Not to fly. To fall and snap their necks.

So do I. And talented Valleywag intern Beth Gottfried is all the way up in Boston. That's why Valleywag needs an Official Party And Other Type of Technology-Related Event Person to write the blog's to-do posts. To start, we'll want about three to-do posts a week (with the writer's name attached), each post including three to six events that Valleywag readers would be into.

To apply, e-mail me (subject line "Can I do the to-do?" with a story of a bad event you attended, or the names of three good events Valleywag readers should attend in the next four weeks. Feel free to link to your blog.

Rev up the awkward "new baby" metaphors, Gawker launched a new title today. Idolator is the music blog too hip for music blogs, complete with manifesto, glitzy logo (Is that a heart or is it the RIAA's bag of souls?), and a new spin on the Gawker cynicism you know and love.

"When the internet came, we overthrew the pasty white tastemakers," sez they. (Don't tell the poor souls the truth.) "And then they all came back. This is Idolator. We're so disappointed."

And so tech-savvy. On Day 1, Idolator blogs about Bill Gates rocking the Zune, MySpace hook-up hip-hop, and the Pandora online music service. Even the hipsters are geeks now.

Idolator [Front Page]

From now on, even if we never invited you, you can post a comment on Valleywag. Just pick a name and password and make sure your first comment is witty, useful, or fascinating. Then, if we love you, we'll publish it (just like a real commenter!) and we'll let you into the club, no pledge of fealty needed.

Of course, if you get boring or boorish, we'll kick you back out.

Commenters new and old get shiny avatars and profile pages. (Think Facebook without the sororiwhores.) Upload your pretty face or your favorite desecrated corporate logo. Now, my user-generated minions, comment! Comment like the wind!

This is just for those who really did e-mail us — sorry, everyone else will have to wait for the next giveaway. Can't let you all in at once here.

Beth Gottfried will handle assorted duties — watching and snarking on particularly painful tech shows, captioning party photos, and kicking boring commenters off the site. Gottfried blogs at Beth's a Bettie, where she covers celebrities like Sun Microsystems CEO Jonathan Schwartz and the boys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. (Lot of parallels to draw there.)

Gottfried's work has appeared on sites like Rotten Tomatoes and PopMatters, and in 2004 Penguin published her book, 10 Secrets I Learned from The Apprentice. Please join me in warmly welcoming Beth Gottfried to Valleywag.

So shoot an e-mail to tips@valleywag.com with the subject "Gimme an invite!" and you'll get yours. Then use that account right away to share some dry wit on one of today's posts.

You are responsible on all income taxes for your comment account. Accounts may be returned to Valleywag for cash equivalent of $0.

The job consists of:

• Writing an occasional brief post. Intern must be witty and a quick writer.
• Handling some correspondence with readers. Giving people comment invites and such.
• Writing on assignment. This part will pay money if you're good. Possible stories include celeb-spotting — reporting which venture capitalists are eating at Buck's, for example — and party/event reports.
• There's no Valleywag office to report to, unless you count Starbucks.

To apply, e-mail nick@valleywag.com with the subject "Intern". Include a brief relevant bio, and link to any blog or clippings you have so I can check out your style.

Update: And we're back. Looks like we can blame one or two ISPs (hint: rhymes with "Bomcast"). (You can still fill out the reader survey, by the way.)