After two years of playing footsie with Valleywag, I've finally been hired full time to write for what these kids call The Olds — that means winning over Fleetwood Mac fans and Fortune subscribers. Waist-high ace reporter Kara Swisher goaded me to start my first full day today with a journalistic "disclosure" statement like hers. She assured me that coming clean of my conflicts of interest would assuage Internet geezers suspicious of eww bloggers. Ok, but just this once. I hate journalism about journalism, plus I need to get back to nagging Arnel Pineda for an interview.

• Like Kara, I have an overachieving wife with a real tech job — she's a vice president at Splunk. California's trophy-spouse-friendly property laws award me exactly half of Christina's stock earned during our marriage. Even if she dumps me. Has that colored Valleywag's coverage of Splunk CEO Michael Baum? Of course it has: Splunk gets extra hate. I'm sure passive-aggressive Valleywag chief Owen Thomas will do his best to keep my Splunk shares worth 50 percent of nothing for as long as possible so I can't afford to quit on him. (UPDATE: See, I told you so.)
• Wired editor Chris Anderson, whom I think the world of even though he fired me once, offered stellar advice: "Let others take the cheap shots." Way to spoil my fun again, Chris, but you're right. I'm going to push everyone here to step up to our motto, "Valleywag will never stab you in the back. We'll stab you in the face." If we ever write about you, it'll be so deservedly true that you'll pine for the days of the cheap shots.
• Dear corporate spokespeople: Standard public relations procedure in the Valley is to blow off reporters who seek your boss to confirm a totally-true rumor with the canned statement, "Mr Founderbot is traveling and cannot be reached for comment." It's the worst lie imaginable. A high-tech CEO who can't be reached. Many traditional news publications' rules require them to quote this bullshit. I'll just post my story. Traveling Man can add a comment if he ever comes back.
• Valleywag's ethics rules are on a wiki. I'll stop there.

From left to right:

• Rachel Lewin, student and girlfriend of Jordan Golson, in cherry red
  
• BusinessWeek columnist, author, and Valley fox Sarah Lacy in reddish brown
  
• Splunk VP Christina Noren in strapless black with engineer-hot hexagonal heels
  
• CNET senior editor Natali Del Conte in black strapped heels
  
• StyleDiary founder Patricia Handschiegel in blue boots

Oh, and the schlumpy guy in black Rockports and jeans behind them? That would be me. Jealous?

Isn't it just like Woz to show up and try to steal the spotlight from me on my big day? He's like the ex-girlfriend who shows up at the wedding dressed in a really hot sexy red dress, trying to take attention away from the bride. Fair enough. Apple geeks love Woz better than me. Always have. So of course he can't resist showing up on iPhone day to steal some of the love that was supposed to be aimed entirely at me. Plus, and this is really sad, Woz just thrives on the adulation and can't get enough of it. It's almost a sickness, the way he needs it.