1. A site that looks like it's doing something while I write in a Word Doc
The moment I close Firefox, I need it again, so in the rare moments I'm using a different program, I leave the browser open. But when I'm writing in Word, I can see half the browser. And it looks so ... empty.

I want to feel productive so I find a site that might take a bit of time to load, but that's always a video site and then I have to watch the video and load something else and now it's 3 p.m. and I haven't written anything.

I want a site that looks like it's doing something, something that never ends, so I can pretend I'm doing two things at once.

2. A site that tells me if all the tables are taken at my favorite cafe
Because I just loaded all my crap into a bag, took a bus to the other end of the neighborhood, and all these other twits are hogging the cafe with their laptops, which is exactly what I was going to do, but I deserve the space more, because I do better things than them. Jesus, people, get office jobs.

3. A site that tells me if it's Christmas
Done.

4. A site that redirects my drunk calls
Drunk dialing isn't solved by a phone breathalyser; the need to gabber at someone must be fulfilled. I need a service that I can call when I'm drunk, with an AIMbot and a voice synthesizer on the other line. I'll be toasted enough to think I'm talking to a sympathetic friend.

5. A site that tracks my creepiness level
I like to meet girls on Craigslist. But because I'm afraid they'll be ugly have a bad personality, I like to background-check them on Facebook and Google.

Am I allowed to friend them? Poke them? I'm a nerd — I don't know what's charming and flirtatious and what's creepy. This site would watch my online activity and tell me when I've crossed the line. And then I'd ignore it because she's so hot smart and she won't mind me commenting on her blog again.

Nick Douglas writes at Valleywag, Too Much Nick, and Look Shiny. He wants a site that he can be your friend on. If you're hot.

Even better, Amazon gives some of that money to charities! Thanks to their "Gift Wrap Your Holidays with a Smile" program, Amazon will donate between 60 and 75 cents per item to a nonprofit organization.

There's a catch, though: your nonprofit has to send volunteers to Amazon to do the gift wrapping! For up to ten hours at a time, while standing up.

Wow, that's a pretty good deal for Jeff Bezos. Charge between $2.99 and $5.99 for gift wrapping, and only pay labor 60 to 75 cents — and do it all in the name of charity! As our tipster says, "Amazon Xmas Fund-Raiser Does Ebenezer Proud."

Press Release [BusinessWire]

In a memo sent out today, he instructed employees that "As much as possible, you're encouraged to make it an e-mail-free, long holiday weekend."

What a nice gesture! Or is it? Employees see it as an omen of things to come.

Our tipster reports:

I work at AOL, and we just got a memo from Ron Grant... he invited everyone to take "a long, email-free holiday weekend", which those of us who are afraid of the safety of our jobs (so everyone) read as "Stay off the internet for a couple of days. We wouldn't want you to hear about the downsizing of your department until after Christmas." Also, I'm still asking around, but I can't find anyone who got a holiday bonus.

Ho ho ho!

Full email after the jump.

Subject: A Head Start On the Holidays

Dear AOL Colleague:

With the holidays now so close, and many already getting on the road to see family and friends, all employees, except those deemed "essential personnel," should feel free to finish up your work early on Friday, December 22, and get a head start on enjoying time away at about noon in your respective locations. As much as possible, you're encouraged to make it an e-mail-free, long holiday weekend. Our thanks this time of year go especially to those personnel who keep AOL services humming 24/7, even through the holidays. And to everyone, best wishes for a happy and safe holiday season.

Ron Grant

• The future is in analyzing social networks, through the totally reliable data from MySpace. Ten points for anyone titling their doctoral study "Thanks for the add, holla at mah peeps." [NY Times]
• The future cannot get you laid. [Supr.c.ilio.us]
• Media mogul Barry Diller says the Internet will be like cable! No, shut up, we did not just say that five years ago SHUT UP SHUT UP. [NY Times]
• The Internet doesn't need us — it's a bot playground. [Wired]
• The near future, though, is about money. Christmas retailing money. And what luck, Forbes is all about money too. [Forbes]

The whole internal e-mail is below, and the gist is that Yahoos can come to work during the post-Christmas week if they want. They still need to take four vacation days by the end of the year if they have 'em, but no one will be forced to take unpaid time off. Yay!

So, who's gonna work that week?

From: Libby Sartain
Sent: Tuesday, September 26, 2006 6:53 PM
To: [redacted]@yahoo-inc.com
Subject: December Office Closure—-Revisited

Yahoos,

Many of you have expressed concern regarding the
planned closure of our US offices during the week of
December 25 - 31, 2006. Thank you to those who took
the time to contact me, another member of the HR team,
or your manager. Many of your comments were very
thoughtful and heartfelt. I want you to know that
your feedback is important, appreciated, and has been
heard.

Yahoo! is committed to reducing our unused vacation
time. However, we're going to be more flexible and
give Yahoos the option of selecting vacation dates
outside of the recommend week, provided you take the
four days by the end of the calendar year.

Yahoos are still encouraged to take the time off
between December 25 and December 31 as that is
traditionally a quiet work week, but selecting any
four days between October 1, 2006 and the end of the
year is an acceptable alternative.

Additionally, Yahoos who have not accrued four days of
vacation or who have already utilized all of their
vacation time this year will not be required to take
time off before 2007.

Please be reminded that Yahoo!'s online vacation
tracking tool, My Time
(http://backyard.yahoo.com/resources/fin/payroll/mytime/index.html),
will automatically default to unused personal floaters
and/or vacation for December 26-29. Yahoos intending
to work during those days will need to actively change
the default setting. Please contact your manager or
human resources business partner if you have any
questions.

- Libby

Earlier: Yahoo pulls a Scrooge with forced unpaid holiday vacation [Valleywag]