After a breakup, it's natural to want to email your friends so they can commiserate with you. And according to Google, it's also natural to bombard your fragile soul with opportunistic ads. Like this one:

Get Your Man Back Now - [link redacted] - Avoid Breakup & Learn to Bring Him Close. Get Over Breakup!

Somehow, looking at a website that promises to Get Your Man Back doesn't seem like the best way to Get Over a Breakup.

Or how about this:

Relationship Tips-Advice
5 Relationship Mistake That Destroy Even Remarkble Relationships-Survey

Because rather than getting advice from my friends, who I'm actually emailing, I'd like some tips from someone who can't spell "remarkable."

Perhaps the most heart-wrenching, for the recently broken-up, is this self-esteem torpedo:

Are You Boring?
You Probably Are! Take Our Quiz

But GMail ads, like breakups, can also remind you of the randomness and unpredictability of life. Like this one, found by typing 'breakup' into an email window:

Table Saw Accident?
Have you been hurt in a table saw accident? We can help.

While the others represent the worst side of advertising, exploiting the insecurities of people who are most likely feeling lonely, unloved, and upset, this last one might sort of help breakup victims count their blessings: you might not have a boyfriend anymore, but at least you still have hands.

The top ad on Google right now for "John Thompson" advertises "German Goo Girls Extreme," and links to a site whose name we shall politely decline to mention but which describes a hardcore sexual fetish.


What does this have to do with the tightly laced Thompson, an IBM lifer before he joined Symantec, and a prominent Obama fundraiser whose name came up for the cabinet post after New Mexico governor Bill Richardson dropped out?

It turns out he shares a first and last name with porn merchant John Thompson, who specializes in producing videos devoted to a particular kink.

What's really sad? One would think the head of a company whose software defends the world computers against Russian mobsters, Bulgarian hackers, and Chinese script kiddies would have a good story to tell, but one would be wrong. Thompson gives stultifying interviews. This is by far the most interesting thing that has ever, or will ever, be written about him.

Sure, it's the worst dot-com business plan ever. (Which is why — before you send those e-mails — I know it's a joke.) But how can you say no to that doe-eyed dot-com face? Answer: You cannot.

How I Love Google AdWords! [YouTube]
The Cleverest [thecleverest.com]