<![CDATA[Gawker: valleywag, hypewatch]]>

<![CDATA[Gawker: valleywag, hypewatch]]> http://tags.gawker.com/assets/base/img/thumbs140x140/gawker.com.png <![CDATA[Gawker: valleywag, hypewatch]]> http://gawker.com/tag/valleywag/hypewatch http://gawker.com/tag/valleywag/hypewatch <![CDATA[Genitals, guns, and merchandise in Second Life]]> couple previous visits into Second Life, I decided to give it one more try. Several people sent in suggestions for places to visit, and I hit as many as I could stand while accomplishing a few other objectives. This time, it's all about penises, nudity, sex, guns, politics, virtual artistry, and so forth. These are, after all, the specialties of Second Life. Note that both the subject matter and visual material that follow are in no way safe for work. The report and a few choice pics are after the jump, and there's also a full gallery. Consider yourself warned.

For the most part, I quickly abandoned my plan to check out more Second Life incarnations of real entities. They're just too boring for words. As discussed before, no one seems to really go to them except for scheduled events. So I went with the first travel tip I received for reliable crowds — a nude beach.

Much as I enjoyed floating around like a naked beach messiah, the naughty thrill of a nude beach lacks something when you don't have any genitals. In fact, very few people were naked at all, genitals or not. One woman was bound up in a giant blood-red antebellum hoop skirt. When I asked if maybe she was overdressed, she responded, "Do you want me to have you banned?" Sheesh. There were a lot of people at the beach disco, including a gyrating superhero guy who kept shouting "WHOOO WANTS TO HAVE CHILDRENS WITH SUPERMAN". Not I. However, Superman had a point. I couldn't have childrens with anyone until I bought a penis, which I embarrassingly failed to do before. So it's off to the cock shoppe(s).

There are many, many penises to buy in Second Life. (For snapshots of me trying the penises on and activating their various "features," you'll have to see the gallery.) Walking around the usual big empty box-house filled with ad-splattered cubes, my eye was drawn to a solid-gold penis with flames dancing around the head. And only L$150! I had over a thousand Linden-bucks for signing on as a "premiere" subscriber, so this seemed like a good investment. Unfortunately, the gold cock never becomes flaccid, making it problematic for polite society. Plus, the flames weren't all that impressive. It looked more like the penis had a sort of orange miasma emanating from its tip. Not so hot.

I ended up going with the HUD-controlled supercock mentioned previously. It allowed me to "arouse" or "relax" myself on a sliding scale, plus cum or pee on command. This peen even came with three programmed masturbation sequences, including autofellatio. The cum was voluminous, the pee torrential and sickly green. What more could any man desire?

That mission accomplished, I needed to get my mind out of the gutter. SL aficionado Wagner James Au had sent me a best-of list of locations to visit, starting with an elaborate functioning ecosystem. As soon as I teleported in, the first thing I saw was a naked woman standing expectantly at the ready. Not sure if this was part of the ecosystem, I fumbled with my new penis's HUD display, but she turned away in disinterest before I could virtually whip it out. Oh well. The ecosystem island is a verdant, trippy jungle, and no, I did not take the tour. However, I was impressed by the giant blue potbellied wolf avatar that was walking around the island. He had on some awesome pants.

At Au's suggestion I visited several other SL highlight locations. There was the futuristic anime shopping city, the futuristic dystopian shopping city, and the medieval combat shopping city. All sold lots of clothes and furniture. However, while exploring the medieval combat shopping city, I remembered that I wanted to get some kind of gun to go with my new penis. I popped off to various gun stores, only to be amazed at the prices. The cheapest guns cost more than the most spectacular penises. Make of that what you will. Fortunately, I discovered two things. Number one, there are several freebie warehouses that give out crappy free items, including guns. And number two, it turns out I did in fact have a John Edwards presidential campaign t-shirt in my inventory.

Badass as I looked in my Edwards tee, M60 machine gun, tighty whities, and Tevas, the gun was not very satisfying. It made shooting sounds, but I couldn't ever shoot things or people since I wasn't in a violence-permitted area. In fact, the gun would spit out little error-message balloons. Not so intimidating. I stowed the gun, then decided I liked this new look of mine. Time to kick back, chill out, and find some new pals.

One of Wagner James Au's other recommendations was the Block, a city-themed shopping city which is sort of like a Broadway metropolitan set dressed by Urban Outfitters. The social aspect of the place was heavily emphasized though, so in I went. Of course, there was not a soul in sight. I wandered all over town on foot (flight was disabled), seeing no one. Finally I went to the coffeehouse, lounged in a puffy chair, and waited for someone to appear. No one did. And yes, I'm a little ashamed to say that I started playing with my new penis. When you get that bored, you might as well drop all pretense and just head to the sex clubs.

I am not exaggerating when I say that the sex clubs were the most consistently populated areas I visited in Second Life. I raced through about a half-dozen, just to see if any were different. Aside from cosmetic theming, most are not. I ended up stopping at the most pathetic, a barely-constructed box housing various sex beds, racks, chairs, and toys. Casual conversation was discouraged. I asked one male figure, sitting alone and masturbating, if he wanted to talk about what he was doing here. He said he would talk if we fucked, went into an appearance-editing trance, and suddenly became a voluptuous black woman. I retreated, and he/she strapped himself/herself into a rack. As for myself, I couldn't resist trying the "giant vagina," which was something like a big pink kidney bean. You inserted yourself through a fleshy slot and writhed around inside. Brought up all kinds of buried psychology.

To finish up, I figured I owed one last visit to the John Edwards campaign headquarters, as they'd just been mass vandalized (by, among other things a "feces-spewing obscenity"). All the damage had been undone by the time I arrived, but there was actually a small crowd hanging around this time. About half of them were furry griefers who'd set up an adjacent clone of the Edwards campaign HQ dedicated to psychic John Edward. I ran into politico-journalist Aldon Hynes, who was taking a break from blogging the Scooter Libby trial. Unfortunately he was ignoring me as a griefer (I did turn up still in my underwear). I put my clothes back on and sat down in the middle of the group, and just as I started talking to someone who might have been somehow involved with the Edwards campaign, a squirrel woman showed up and shot red balls at my groin. I suspect this was somehow tied to my new penis, or is that vanity? Anyway, Hynes fell into conversation with Squirrel Lady. It turns out that old dog Hynes has lots of friends in the furry world, and he and Squirrely were getting on famously without me.

After this, I just couldn't take it anymore. I will readily admit that there's a great deal of stuff in Second Life that is the obvious product of much care, time, effort, skill, and artistry. But just as much of it — and probably most of it — is tedious, boring, repetitive, tawdry, and vacuously commercial. The economic aspect of Second Life is the hook that gets so many people involved in creating and selling things, but at the same time, it's crassly in your face everywhere. I can sympathize with people who hate it when griefers muck up their work, but often the griefers are more interesting or entertaining than the placid, sterile utopias that fill up Second Life. Though even the griefers are often trying to sell you something.

Anyway, plunge into the full gallery of grossness, if you haven't already.]]> http://gawker.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=240820&view=rss&microfeed=true <![CDATA[Bad week for backlash]]> Second Life has been taking it on the puss this past week or so, with more dogpiling on the economic questions, not to mention the whole nuking Reebok thing. And we enjoyed our own foray into supposedly popular SL locales and a first try at sex shopping. Speaking of first-timers, the account by Drew of "Toothpaste for Dinner" fame is one of the funniest things you'll read this month, so get to it. Thanks to those who sent in suggestions for SL places to visit, which we'll get to directly. Of particular interest are real-world entities, groups, or people that have SL presences. Drop us a line if you have tips for same.

UPDATE: Brilliantly amusing Warren Ellis post on Reuters about fighting off sexual infestations on his Second Life land.]]> http://gawker.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=239294&view=rss&microfeed=true <![CDATA[Sex shopping in Second Life]]> As promised earlier, a first-timer's experience when sex shopping in Second Life warrants its own post. I'll tell you right up front that my immaturity levels do not speak well of me as a sex correspondent. Chris Peterson's Second Life Safari at Something Awful puts quite a bit more thought and action into the topic. That said, with even the Dutch getting lathered up about virtual child porn (and not in a good way), Second Life's burgeoning sex industry is almost politely underplayed when everything else about the service is praised to the skies. So let's go penis shopping, shall we? NSFW, if you haven't guessed.

I should mention that I have only slightly more experience shopping for sexual novelties in the real world than I do in Second Life. Still, I came to the process with certain expectations, pretty much all of which were confounded immediately. The first sex shop I visited was also a home-design for sale — a sort of open-air California modern with outrageous cyber-porn on every interior surface, and no people around. Like every red-blooded American youth, I'm curious about genital attachments, so that's where I began browsing. Plus, I figure that's the basic building block of Second Life sexuality, as otherwise, what's there to do?

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Ignorant as I am about the technical side of how such things work — in Second Life! only in Second Life, I promise — I examined what seemed an appropriate penis attachment for my male avatar. The "aroused cock cut version" was a "scripted penis with HUD control unit, skin color control, sound, animations, cum, pee, touchable by other players to make you aroused." First off ... SOUND? Is having a great-sounding cock now important, as well as length, breadth, stamina, and sperm volume (judging by favorite spam email subjects)? My attention was diverted by these questions when I realized that two people had materialized nearby and were fucking on the desk next to me.

I backed away in alarm — what's the social convention here? Was this their house? Would the guy think that I had no penis because I was looking at the penis attachment advertised on his wall? The male disengaged right as I took the snapshot above. While his lady remained bent expectantly over the desk, he walked over to me and said, "Hi." I was so alarmed by this sudden attention that I panicked and tried to fly away. Instead I hit my head on the ceiling and lingered there a moment before awkwardly aero-stumbling through the top of the doorway. After checking to make sure I wasn't being pursued, I hid in a tree.

OK, so perhaps I'm much more of a prude than I thought. Or really, I'm just a chicken. But I'll try again. This time, a casual search lead me to an elaborate sex-castle-dungeon store. I didn't see anyone around, so this looked like a good place to unobtrusively peep.

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Don't ask me why, but I was drawn to the bukkake billboard. Here was a graphic multi-phase depiction of bukkakic delights; I liked that in addition to the act of bukkake, you are also purchasing a range of bukkake-appropriate facial expressions. I hadn't been standing there 30 seconds — still sipping my Irish coffee — when a tall fetishwear dominatrix sidled up next to me.

Her nametag identified her as a vice president of this sex dungeon. She said, "hi," and I replied, "hello." She then asked, "do you need a whore?" I had to think about this. Did I? Need one? "no thanks, just browsing," I ventured, figuring that usually works on the service industry types. But not on sex dungeon vice presidents. "i have the bukkake you were looking at," she said. Busted! I managed to control my mortification long enough to mumble something politely negatory and walk away, rather than flying in fear. After browsing on the upper level, I realized I couldn't afford anything here, so I jumped off the parapet. This caused me to land on the castle's drawbridge, right in front of the vice president! She sallied forth, and I flew off to hide my shame.

I made one final attempt to visit the furry subculture that has gotten so comfortable in Second Life. A casual perusal revealed hundreds of furry places, so I just picked one at random. It was a medieval tavern, and inside were about a half-dozen animalistic avatars chatting in mangled medieval-speak. I stood among them in my t-shirt and blue jeans, and yes, I felt like a freak. After a few moments, a fox-woman — who earlier had been writhing on the floor in laughter, ectsacy, or a grand mal seizure — approached me and asked that I wear a furry avatar while in this space. I fled so quickly I didn't even have time to take a snapshot. That scene may require its own post.

Like I said before, if you want to suggest places to visit where Second Lifers actually gather, feel free. More later, as warranted.]]> http://gawker.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=238608&view=rss&microfeed=true <![CDATA[A tour of Second Life's big empty]]> IBM is in Second Life! The John Edwards presidential campaign is in Second Life! Your mama is in Second Life! Media hype of Second Life has developed a subspecies focused on the novelty of X real-world entity establishing a virtual presence in the pretend world, which should then draw mobs of virtual gawkers. Yet these alleged mobs often boil down to one or two lookie-loos wandering around, or nobody at all. Critics of our SL criticism have rightly pointed out that we miss nuances because we're not "into" SL ourselves. Despite some bad experiences and disappointments, your plucky guest editor is giving it another go. So is born "Valleywag Vuckovic." After the jump, a safari into notable Second Life hype-points to connect with the locals.

First, I spent the requisite time learning to move around and interact. I also wasted a good 15 minutes tweaking my "Boy Next Door" avatar beyond the default 85% gay anime life-study. Most of those minutes went to rectifying a mysterious bald spot that kept appearing whenever I adjusted my hairstyle. At the end of this process, my avatar was less gay, though somehow I felt that I, myself, had become more gay.

After that, I only had time for three stops on the hypewatch tour: IBM's SL island complex, the SL headquarters of would-be Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, and some sex shops. I'll cover the sex angle in another post later today. So first, up: IBM.

The IBM island chain is enormous, and it's covered with impressive Logan's Run-style futuristic structures. However, there was not a soul in sight. After reading through some billboards, it became clear this place was designed primarily for events. No IBMers were in evidence. The only other person I found was a strange goth-like being, slumped over in apparent sleep. When I approached this virtual hobo, he started awake and vanished. I was alone in the creepy bizplex.

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Or was I? Skulking around in the buildings — which felt exactly like wandering in empty offices, i.e., very slightly transgressive but also very, very boring — I encountered a person! Someone who actually looked like they were here to talk about IBM! But as I got closer, it turned out to be a standee cutout of a person, though it did talk. I tried to push it over or steal it, but no go. However, nearby I found a "coffee bar" which gave me an "Irish coffee." My avatar sipped this coffee placidly for the rest of my time in Second Life, even while I perused the bukkake offerings in a sex dungeon. (Like I said: more on the sex later.) Meanwhile, though, it's time to visit the John Edwards campaign HQ.

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I'm not sure if this Edwards presence in SL is official or not — seems a little murky — but they got a nice big billboard. However, the building itself is in the middle of an island with lots of other peoples' lots. As the Edwards campaign presence in SL got such media attention, the neighbors must have started throwing up their own ads (SL realty, shops, and porn are all represented, floating just off the Edwards lawn).

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My favorite was this neighbor, who had nicely framed his collection of fantasy-girl cheesecake to allow background contemplation of the Edwards HQ. All available for purchase, of course. But let's see what's doing at the campaign building.

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Holy shit! People! I eagerly approach, only to find out from their conversation that one is a SL newbie like myself, and the other is providing gentle instruction on how to enjoy this new space. I ask if John Edwards ever comes around, but they ignore me. After walking around the bare building and unsuccesfully trying to get a John Edwards t-shirt, I spot a helicopter hovering overhead. Why you'd need a chopper in a world where everyone can fly, I dunno. But I wonder if I can fly it around — at root, all of Second Life boils down to, "How can I mess around with that thing?" So I click on the helicopter, and rather than controlling it, find myself riding shotgun inside while someone named "Deadly Sin" drives. He suddenly descends till we're hovering (silently!) right next to the pair chatting in front of the Edwards building. One of those two guys says, "Dude, there's a helicopter behind you," which is the best thing so far said in Second Life.

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As the second guy turns around to see if there really is a helicopter behind him, my pilot takes us up again. Bored, I "stand up," to leave, and find myself standing nonchalantly on the whirring chopper blades. I step off and plummet to the ground, landing on my ass next to the two chatting guys. Still they ignore me. Despondent of interaction, I notice an abandoned motorcycle stuck in some bushes. I decide I'll ride the motorcycle around to the front and jump off dramatically in front of the two guys, saying I have important news from John Edwards. If they're not from the campaign, maybe they'll believe I'm from the campaign.

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Things do not go as planned. First, my avatar decides to mount the motorcycle backwards, sitting on the handlebars. Then, perhaps because of my unorthodox riding style, the bike takes off at top speed and will neither turn nor stop. I zip past the still-indifferent chatting guys, through the headquarters building, out the other side, off the Edwards property, over a hill, and into what looks like a Japanese teahouse where my forward motion finally halts. No luck on interacting with John Edwards supporters, though I am proud to note that my avatar never let go of his coffee.

This is, of course, just the beginning. A few notes on sex shops later today, but I remain open to further tourism suggestions. Where are all the people, anyway? If you've got an ostensibly popular or patently ridiculous site in Second Life that you'd like me to visit, by all means let me know.]]> http://gawker.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=238476&view=rss&microfeed=true <![CDATA[Jeff Bezos getting into Powerset?]]> Bambi Franciso reportulates that Amazon's Jeff Bezos is considering a personal investment in much-hyped natural-language search engine Powerset. It's been widely reported that Powerset planned to use Amazon computing resources, but this would be an unusual vote of confidence from Bezos. Unless he really is just looking for a new toy.]]> http://gawker.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=237140&view=rss&microfeed=true <![CDATA[The questionable personhood of Powerset]]> Watch the above video if you must — D7TV's Sarah Meyers hits this past weekend's party for "natural language" search engine Powerset. Best quotes:

Girl 1: (gestures grandly) Powerset is going to transform the search industry. (uncertain pause) I was told to say this.
Meyers: They were telling me that the Internet is going to be like a person.
Girl 1: YES!!!
Meyers: But you know? I don't really believe that Powerset's going to be a like a person. (turns to other girl) Do you think it's going to be like a person?
Girl 2: (befuddled) No ... (more strongly) NO!

Actually, no, wait — here's the best quote, from comments at Techcrunch:

I am a VC who has invested $100,000 in PowerSet and am desperately worried.

Maybe Powerset will be like a person who drinks a little too much sometimes.]]> http://gawker.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=235889&view=rss&microfeed=true <![CDATA[The natural language of Powerset]]> The Palo Alto Research Center today announces the licensing of its "natural language' search tech to Powerset, a startup search engine that will attempt to "out-Google Google," in the words of angel investor and board member Peter Thiel. Lots of Valley traction around this one, as even Thiel pal Sean Parker put down his beverage long enough to throw in. So what's the big deal?
Some are mighty impressed with the search-fruits of natural language, but its principal selling point is a little counter-intuitive. Users who don't know how to use power search methods in Google or elsewhere are just as unlikely to realize they can ask Powerset (or any other search engine) a grammatically correct question. They're also going to always enter the simplest terms to start with anyway, since it's much easier to just enter "cow porn" into the search field rather than "where can i find me some good porn about cows." (Let's see some natural-language porn search results, please.) Power users will like the better results rendered by natural language, but they'll also be very quick to ferret out the problems and logic gaps in the system.

All of which is kind of beside the point. It's naive to think that Google won't build a ground-up natural language system if and when Powerset becomes any kind of threat, and unless the amazing PARC search tech is so brilliant that it knocks everyone's socks off, the differences between the two systems will be academic, consumer-wise. The only way to "out-Google Google" at this point is to rack up a few billion dollars and purchase it. Smart money says that if Powerset is any kind of success, it will be Google buying out Powerset.

By the way: big Powerset party this weekend! You're going, right? Right?]]> http://gawker.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=235329&view=rss&microfeed=true