Baum, a self-described "serial entrepreneur," will continue, awkwardly, as the company's head of strategy and corporate development. Funny, don't those sound like the CEO's job? This should prove entertaining to watch — especially if Baum reverts to loudly drunk form. But if Splunk follows the rest of the script — hire experienced CEO, sell or go public, make founders rich — Baum will have all the more reason to shout.

(Full disclosure: Valleywag very special correspondent Paul Boutin is married to Splunk executive Christina Noren, and you're not.)

After two years of playing footsie with Valleywag, I've finally been hired full time to write for what these kids call The Olds — that means winning over Fleetwood Mac fans and Fortune subscribers. Waist-high ace reporter Kara Swisher goaded me to start my first full day today with a journalistic "disclosure" statement like hers. She assured me that coming clean of my conflicts of interest would assuage Internet geezers suspicious of eww bloggers. Ok, but just this once. I hate journalism about journalism, plus I need to get back to nagging Arnel Pineda for an interview.

• Like Kara, I have an overachieving wife with a real tech job — she's a vice president at Splunk. California's trophy-spouse-friendly property laws award me exactly half of Christina's stock earned during our marriage. Even if she dumps me. Has that colored Valleywag's coverage of Splunk CEO Michael Baum? Of course it has: Splunk gets extra hate. I'm sure passive-aggressive Valleywag chief Owen Thomas will do his best to keep my Splunk shares worth 50 percent of nothing for as long as possible so I can't afford to quit on him. (UPDATE: See, I told you so.)
• Wired editor Chris Anderson, whom I think the world of even though he fired me once, offered stellar advice: "Let others take the cheap shots." Way to spoil my fun again, Chris, but you're right. I'm going to push everyone here to step up to our motto, "Valleywag will never stab you in the back. We'll stab you in the face." If we ever write about you, it'll be so deservedly true that you'll pine for the days of the cheap shots.
• Dear corporate spokespeople: Standard public relations procedure in the Valley is to blow off reporters who seek your boss to confirm a totally-true rumor with the canned statement, "Mr Founderbot is traveling and cannot be reached for comment." It's the worst lie imaginable. A high-tech CEO who can't be reached. Many traditional news publications' rules require them to quote this bullshit. I'll just post my story. Traveling Man can add a comment if he ever comes back.
• Valleywag's ethics rules are on a wiki. I'll stop there.

From Ghostwriter:

Michael Baum is a self-loving a-hole. I first came across him about 8 months ago on a United PS flight from SFO to JFK. He was the row behind me in business class. The guy wouldn't shut the fuck up the entire flight. And he had a splitting loud voice. It was a nightmare. Then the following week I get on the same flight back to SFO, and I have my headphones on. I couldn't concentrate because someone behind me was talking incredibly loudly. I turn around, and sure enough it was him again. He was having full-blast conversations about things that were way too private for half the cabin to be listening to.

About three weeks later I he was on my flight again, thankfully not seated by me. I knew who he was now, considering I'd previously had 10 hours of listening to him self-indulge to some unfortunate subordinate.

The topper came the night after the third flight. I was at the Elite Cafe on Filmore having dinner with my girlfriend. We were seated in a both, next to a table of about 6 guys loudly eating and drinkig. I couldn't see the table, but they were fucking loud and drunk. They kept staring at my girlfriend, who finally made me switch places with her. Of course, I sit down, look over, and it's fucking Michael Baum, and he's now ruining my dinner. WTF. At some point I go to the bathroom, and when I come back, my girlfriend tells me that one of them has just snapped a picture of her with his treo (remember this is like 6 months ago). So I turn and walk over to him "You're Michael Baum right?" "Uhhhh Uhh yeah.."... "Great, why don't you keep your camera in your pocket. And stop taking the 5:30 United flight from JFK on Thursdays..."

He was pretty dumbfounded. The best though was when they spilled a full bottle of red wine and a bunch of glasses all over the table about 15 minutes later... pure class...

From thewriter:

I used to work for the thebaum and you're spot on! So are the comments by the Ghostwriter. Mr. Baum is so full of himself he is widely hated by all who come in contact with him: employees, vendors, customers, and apparently anyone who is stuck on a plane or in a restaurant with him. Thebaum is not a tall man, but clearly thinks he tops 7 feet—the joke is everyone calls him the little jockey.

Embarrassing doesn't even begin to cover his behavior sometimes. Try being at a company dinner with 30+ people while he asks the waitress to ask the other waitress with the big boobs to bring him dessert.

Funny thing is, if you meet his two brothers, you find out he's the decent one! And I'd heard him say on more than one occasion that the only people worth hiring went to ivy-league schools.

Amazingly, the company is great. They have been able to hire a lot of fabulous people who are building an amazing product, but quite a few people interview with thebaum and won't even consider taking a position there.

The obvious winner is Splunk, which has commanded one of the highest valuations assigned to a software startup in recent times. Splunk also wins the services of John Connors, right, the former Microsoft CFO who's now a partner at Ignition, who's joining the company as a board member.

And the losers? Rory O'Driscoll, left, of Scale Venture Partners, whom Splunk turned down despite bidding to invest at a higher valuation. O'Driscoll indiscreetly complained last week of his disappointment at losing the deal — and no wonder, since Splunks fits in several areas Scale likes to invest in. Also shut out, with a lowball bid: Famed angel investor Ron Conway. Could this be what preoccupied him at last Thursday's party for iLike?

Splunk CEO Michael Baum, though, seems to be celebrating a bit overmuch. In a blog entry last week, in which he alludes to his company's fundraising, Baum writes:

It's a privilege not a right for investors to take a look and consider partnering up with you.