Garmin is known for its GPS navigation systems, including mobile units consumers use while driving. The company might find a bright future in idiot-proof phone muters. Clip above.

(Pic: Chris N. on Flickr)

Granted, Shannon Jackson, the accused, was under court order not to communicate with the woman she poked (see attached clip). But couldn't said woman have turned off poking? Or blocked pokes from Jackson? Maybe her profile was sort of asking for it? In addition to, uh, literally asking for it? Government paid lawyers should definitely fight about these crucial issues, at length, in court.

The best part of Carter Jernigan and Behram Mistree's software, created for a research project, is that you don't even need to "friend" your target to figure out if he's gay. You simply need access to his friends list, which is made public by default on Facebook. In the students' test, which examined 947 profiles, the program identified all 10 of 10 men the students knew to be gay, but who had not declared so on Facebook, according to a summary in the Boston Globe.

Studies following up on this crucial research will, presumably, deal with the problems of false positives and of lesbians, who somehow evade the gaydar completely. In the meantime, people can't stop talking about the MIT students' unreleased software. Because while sexual orientation has never been less of a secret, particularly among the young oversharers on Facebook and Twitter, users of these social networks love nothing so much as a little passive-aggressive e-stalking. Especially of the pseudo-scientific sort.

These heroes, known as the Facebook Five, made offensive comments about the prison boss for the Austalian state of New South Wales in a closed Facebook group, according to the AP. It's not clear how prison authorities came across the postings, but Facebook groups, even closed ones, can easily have hundreds of members. The workers, three men and two women, face possible dismissal over the messages for "unauthorized public comment" and "comment to the media without permission."

The employees argue their conduct was outside the workplace — i.e., on Facebook — and "intended" to be private. That standard would allow you to complain about your boss virtually anywhere on Facebook, save for his personal profile page. That sort of raw commentary might be hard for a supervisor to read, but that's the kind of unfiltered stuff she signed up for when she "friended" you, right?

(Image via)

Working with his publisher, beer-buying Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian, xkcd creator Randall Munroe will sell tickets to his book readings through a Dutch auction of the sort that powered Google's IPO, in which the price is set by lowest of the top X bids, where X in this case corresponds to available seats. Complicated! Then at the event there's an auction for some more stuff, including lunch with the author and a custom XKCD cartoon. Then the proceeds are used to build a school for kids in Laos, which sounds great, but it's going to be named "XKCD," so good luck bragging to your friends or whatever.

We love the humanitarian impulse and will probably buy a book. Helping poor kids is great. But come one, internet geeks: Did you consider a simple strategy, like doing a reading, selling the books (proceeds are already earmarked for charity), and maybe having a donation jar? Not everything necessarily has to be a complex, game-like system!

[XKCD Book Tour]

(Pic via)

Thankfully this is starting to annoy some people. Ad man Edward Boches wonders if "instead of simply echoing each other's sentiments about the awesomeness of community... we should have a few more disagreements." Yes, yes you should! Marketing pundit Bob Knorpp called for a rougher approach to the Twitter circle jerk: "If we're among friends, we tend to fall into certain patterns... we're not pushing their comfort zone."

Twitter Inc. would no doubt point to a paucity of trolls as one of its defining features, and the microblogging service's powerful social mores tame the internet in a way prim critics like the New York Times' Randy Cohen have advocated. But a flood of positivity can be just as pernicious as a wave of nastiness, as anyone on the unhappy side of a viral marketing campaign, spammy follower or self-promotional tweet-frenzy can attest. Which is why Twitter needs more assholes. If you see one, consider following him. It's for the greater good.

(Pic: Maria Palma)

The changes at Wikipedia, which mandate review for anonymous changes to articles about living people, sound reasonable enough. The online reference has messed up its share of biographies, after all, falsely reporting the deaths of Senators Edward Kennedy and Robert Byrd and erroneously linking a prominent journalist to the assassinations of John and Robert Kennedy.

"The Ethicist" Randy Cohen's diatribe against anonyblogging of the sort aimed at Vogue model Liskula Cohen (pictured) likewise rests on a not-so-controversial assertion, namely that anonymous internet commenters are often complete assholes. And yet the column by Cohen (the nebbishy Times writer, not the hot model) is controversial, because it turns out he quoted his ex-wife without disclosing that fact. Which we know because of a — wait for it — anonymous blogger!

And that's the thing about being impolite online: it might be needlessly abrasive 95 times out of 100, but those other five times it's awesome, conveying fresh perspective readers would not have seen were it not for the cloak of anonymity. Cohen says we should make anonymity utterly shameful, except in cases where there is a "reasonable fear of retribution," but this sort of etiquette is basically just a way of regulating opinion, and runs counter to the rawness that has historically been one of the Web's great strengths. You could say the same thing about Wikipedia's new mechanisms for institutional control. Anonymous writers might not always absolutely need the secrecy the shroud themselves in, but they have good reason to want it.

Put another way, if we have to choose between prim scolds like Randy Cohen and impolitic ankle-biters like Fake Steve Jobs (anonymous for many months) or NYTPicker, we'll take the latter any day, even if the price is wading through tons of crap.

The U.S.'s own ossified organizations have been grappling with Twitter strategy as well. Among traditional news media, the Wall Street Journal, Bloomberg, New York Times and Associated Press have gone so far as to admonish staff on how to use their personal Twitter accounts; despite lacking a First Amendment, the British government's "Twitter strategy" does not go that far.

Using the AP news wire's authoritarian guidelines as a point of comparison, here's how the U.S. stacks up against Britain when it comes to Twitter rules:





How much does Twitter rock?

• British government: " The platform is experiencing a phenomenal adoption curve in the UK and being used increasingly by government departments, Members of Parliament... [it] has the potential to deliver many benefits in support of our communications objectives."
• AP:"These networks also have become an important tool for AP reporters to gather news – both for big, breaking stories and in cases in which we're seeking out members of the public who might serve as sources for our stories. And they're a prime source of citizen journalism material."

How might Twitter destroy our organization, forever?

• British government: "Inappropriate content being published in error, such as... protectively marked, commercially or politically sensitive information... Require clearance of all tweets through nominated people in digital media team."
  
• AP: "Posting material about the AP's internal operations is prohibited on employees' personal pages, and employees also should avoid including political affiliations in their profiles and steer clear of making any postings that express political views or take stands on contentious issues."

When is it terrible to befriend someone, on the internet?

• British government: "We will not initiate contact by following individual, personal users as this may be interpreted as interfering / ‘Big Brother'-like behaviour... We will, however, follow back anyone who follows our account."
• AP: "Managers should not issue friend requests to subordinates, since that could be awkward for employees. It's fine if employees want to initiate the friend process with their bosses."

Can Twitter be 'fun?' Or do 'fun' and 'failure' start the same way?

• British government: Fun=fun! "In keeping with the ‘zeitgeist' feel of Twitter, our tweets will be about issues of relevance today or events/opportunities coming soon. For example it will not be appropriate to cycle campaign messages without a current ‘hook'.
  
• AP: Fun=failure! "It's not just like uttering a comment over a beer with your friends: It's all too easy for someone to copy material out of restricted pages and redirect it elsewhere for wider viewing."
  

How, exactly, should we exploit Twitter?

• British government: "While tweets may occasionally be ‘fun', we should ensure we can defend their relation back to Our objectives. Where possible there should be an actual link to related content or a call to action, to make this credibility explicit. "
  
• AP: "Feel free to link to AP material that has been published... link to member and customer sites... try to vary the links to spread the traffic around. It's a good idea to reference the AP in the promo language. "

[Template Twitter Strategy for Government Departments]

(Pic: Carrot Creative on Twitter)

From the Guardian:

About 200 youngsters showed up, not all of them intent on behaving themselves.



Up to 70 police officers from two forces, including dog handlers and a helicopter team, were needed to break up the party,

Keep in mind that the teenagers who organized the event didn't even include their address in the invitation, and had the apparent cooperation of parents. But Facebook + teenagers + alcohol = "Lads were jumping over the fence from other gardens and we ended up with about 150 in our garden," as one of the parents put it.

Far better is something with some built-in social friction, like a written invitation, or a painful-to-use website like, say, eVite!

(Pic: A prior Facebook riot, which erupted last year, started as a "small private gathering" to drink cocktails on the London tube. Getty Images.)

Eric Brown, Yahoo's new head of PR, just started work on Monday. He's ostensibly in charge of enforcing Bartz's edict to "dropkick to fucking Mars" any employees caught leaking things to the press. But before he does that, he'd like to tell you about his love for champagne, reading the Kindle in bed and his "couple of very close friends" that he frequently crashes with in Paris three or four times per year (sounds cozy!).

Kara Swisher at All Things D got Brown's companywide introduction email. This guy is going to be awesome.

—-From: Eric Brown (SVP Global Communications) Sent: Monday, July 06, 2009 6:00 PM Subject: It' s great to be here!

Global comms team,

Thank you so much for the wonderful intro materials you gave me. I' m going to spend quite a bit of time on the org charts, budgets, plans, and results package you compiled for me. But I' ve been especially thrilled with the personal profiles you sent my way. I' ve seen other people whose phobias are the same as mine: spiders and heights; enjoyed how many of you put Paris as your favorite place on Earth; and am impressed with how many amazing books this group has collectively read.

I must also admit to being slightly intimidated by all of you who put " bad grammar" as a pet peeve and will triple check this email to avoid any grammar infractions…

I know I have a Thursday group meeting with you, but thought the least I could do on day one is return the favor and complete my own handbook profile. So here goes…

Date I joined Yahoo!: today (6 July 2009), though I did spend two days at the senior leaders meeting in mid-June and thank all of you who were there for the warm welcome in Half Moon Bay.

What I do here: lead a team of amazing, intelligent, motivated people who put Yahoo! in the best light possible and tell our story in compelling ways that make users and advertisers around the world want to embrace Yahoo! heartily.

Where I grew up: Warsaw, Virginia– a tiny town about 90 minutes from Richmond, Virginia and 150 minutes from Washington, D.C. For those of you who are American history buffs, Warsaw is about 10 minutes from the birthplace of Robert E. Lee and 15 minutes from the birthplace of George Washington.

Where I live now: Sunnyvale, California. Can' t beat the commute.

College: William and Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia. BA in English. Loved lit crit. Senior honors thesis was on post-WWII masculinity in American society as represented by the works of Norman Mailer.

My first job: an internship for the U.S. Navy (my parents' employer-they were civilians) analyzing different process flow diagram software packages for a team creating warship defense systems. For the rest of high school and college, I had LOTS more fun as a waiter at dive restaurant called The Stagecoach. The food was ghastly; the people were amazing.

What I did before Yahoo!: I ran comms (PR, social media, internal comms, and exec comms) for NetApp, managing a global team of about 60+ people doing amazing enterprise and B2B work in 30+ companies worldwide. I' m very excited to learn " consumer" from all of you– and equally excited to share experiences from my almost 20 years in the business in return.

What I do when I' m not here: I love travel (had a super 3 days in the Blue Mountains outside Sydney two weekends ago), cooking (yes, seriously-cooking is very therapeutic and relaxing for me), and reading (though I haven' t picked up a Norman Mailer since my undergrad days).

If the Internet didn' t exist, what I' d be doing right now: teaching literature to high school students. I believe that at some point in my life, I have to return to society what it has given me. And I' d be a better teacher than firefighter or doctor!

Favorite place on Earth: Paris. I try to go there 3 or 4 times a year and have a couple of very close friends who are kind enough to let me crash with them. Second favorite is Hong Kong.

Proudest accomplishment: professionally– being part of the " inner counsel circle" for NetApp execs on a variety of comms and marketing issues (which I hope to be here at Yahoo! as well); personally– being a good friend, partner, and family member.

Favorite Yahoo! moment: there have only been 3 days of them so far-and all have been great. I felt very honored and lucky to be part of the Half Moon Bay leadership summit– and meeting people from all over Yahoo! there was inspiring.

Favorite book: someone who majored in literature can' t just name one, so I'll split them into categories… Favorite works of literature: The Scarlet Letter by Hawthorne, The Awakening by Kate Chopin, and To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Favorite work that kindled my imagination: The Hobbit by Tolkien. Favorite works that make me laugh: anything by David Sedaris (the man is wicked funny).

Favorite movie: two– Moulin Rouge and Orlando– both visually stunning.

My first car: a Buick Skyhawk in a horrible shade of brown– the thing was so ratty that I had to add oil to it every other day so it wouldn' t break down– it made its last hurrah on a cross-country trip from Virginia to California and made it over the Rocky Mountains without any issues but then was quite unhappy crossing the Sierra Nevada range.

My next vacation destination: somehow I think I' m going to be very busy for the next few months so I' m not planning any big trips, though I have told a friend I' ll attend his 50th birthday party in Munich and from there I' ll try to drive to Vienna for a few days.

My hidden talent: navigating subway systems when everyone else insists on taking a taxi (the exception: Tokyo– because it is just too darned crowded).

My favorite online video: I like online videos to catch up on things that MTV no longer carries– like videos from Gus Gus (though I only see one of their videos on Yahoo! Music… )

My guiltiest pleasure: ice cream in bed with the Kindle (yes, just as Elisa put in her email)– the ice cream HAS to be Ben & Jerry's (LOVE being on this floor with the conference room names!) and my favorite is Peach Cobbler.

I have an intense fear of: spiders and heights– I even had a spider vacuum for a while so I didn't have to come near ‘ em or smash ‘ em– but then I was scared they'd survive the suction and electric shock and crawl back somewhere– so now they' re routinely smashed.

My biggest pet peeve: beating around the bush– tell me what you want me to know because I' m not telepathic and say it without a lot of metaphor or subtlety– if you really want me to know something, please make it crystal clear.

My best celebrity encounter: dinner with friends in the outdoor section of the Restaurant du Palais Royal in Paris on a gorgeous May evening– next to us was Tom Ford (at the height of his Gucci power)– I have never wanted to NOT eat so much in my life.

Something few people know about me: I abhor cava (sorry to those of you in Spain)– champagne is my favorite drink on Earth, prosecco will do in a pinch, and New World sparklings are hit and miss– but I universally detest cava.

Best for advice for working with me (yes, a little changed from what you all submitted): honesty really IS the best policy– unless I' m having a bad hair day in which case please just don' t say anything about that at all.

Thanks again for having me here– and we'll speak more on Thursday.

Best regards, Eric

1. A site that looks like it's doing something while I write in a Word Doc
The moment I close Firefox, I need it again, so in the rare moments I'm using a different program, I leave the browser open. But when I'm writing in Word, I can see half the browser. And it looks so ... empty.

I want to feel productive so I find a site that might take a bit of time to load, but that's always a video site and then I have to watch the video and load something else and now it's 3 p.m. and I haven't written anything.

I want a site that looks like it's doing something, something that never ends, so I can pretend I'm doing two things at once.

2. A site that tells me if all the tables are taken at my favorite cafe
Because I just loaded all my crap into a bag, took a bus to the other end of the neighborhood, and all these other twits are hogging the cafe with their laptops, which is exactly what I was going to do, but I deserve the space more, because I do better things than them. Jesus, people, get office jobs.

3. A site that tells me if it's Christmas
Done.

4. A site that redirects my drunk calls
Drunk dialing isn't solved by a phone breathalyser; the need to gabber at someone must be fulfilled. I need a service that I can call when I'm drunk, with an AIMbot and a voice synthesizer on the other line. I'll be toasted enough to think I'm talking to a sympathetic friend.

5. A site that tracks my creepiness level
I like to meet girls on Craigslist. But because I'm afraid they'll be ugly have a bad personality, I like to background-check them on Facebook and Google.

Am I allowed to friend them? Poke them? I'm a nerd — I don't know what's charming and flirtatious and what's creepy. This site would watch my online activity and tell me when I've crossed the line. And then I'd ignore it because she's so hot smart and she won't mind me commenting on her blog again.

Nick Douglas writes at Valleywag, Too Much Nick, and Look Shiny. He wants a site that he can be your friend on. If you're hot.

I, (your name or handle here, unless it contains a year other than your birth year, the word "sux," or the number 69 — in these cases you're not yet ready for the pledge), pledge that:

I will never comment on a blog saying "Why do we care?" because if I don't care, I can go away from the blog. Instead I will sit back and have a good five-minute think about my life.

I will not sign up to Twitter or a blog just to write "I am getting my hair done" or other inanities. Every message I write will be entertaining and/or informative; e.g. "Getting a beehive hairdo so I won't fit under the parking garage clearance pole" or "I am on fire, please assist me." (Note: The latter is appropriate only if my hair is, in reality, on fire.)

I will not consider meeting people off the Internet "creepy," because look at me, I'm normal and I answered the Craigslist ad and here I am in the front of the bar alone, looking over my shoulder like a criminal, waiting for my Craigslist date.

I will only add up to one application per month on Facebook. This application will not be a zombie maker, werewolf maker, "top friends" maker, or anything that serves no purpose and is not, again, entertaining and/or informative.

I will hand my Yelp posts to a friend who works in writing or editing, and I will ask them to rip it to shreds, because I am not an awesome writer but in fact a terrible breezy writer. If I am a regular contributor to McSweeney's Internet Tendency, I will now stop writing ANYTHING on the Internet and will now back away from the keyboard.

I will trick people into seeing Goatse, because that is funny and will never not be funny.

I will not comment on YouTube.

I will not add a signature to my forum posts that is more than half the length of my average post. I will definitely not put ASCII art in my signature, because I recognize that 1993 is over and the Internet has pictures.

After one year of commenting on other people's work without producing any of my own, I will produce some work and allow others to comment on it. I am allowed to then lash out at my commenters, but I acknowledge that that polemic will become my only well-known work.

My new blog's title and tagline will not contain these words: random, musings, "just some thoughts," "my crazy/demented/unique brain", or by Perez Hilton.

I will not invite a "friend" on Facebook if I've never actually communicated with them, even if "we share like 15 friends so I guess it's time we connect." Instead I will wait until I meet these people socially, or get my friends to set us up on a blind date because let's admit it, that's all I really want.

I will never leave a comment expressing adulation or criticism in three or fewer words, unless I am doing so in an altogether unique way. "FAIL" is not a unique way. Neither is "LOLzers."

Photo by Getty Images. Nick Douglas writes at Valleywag and Too Much Nick. He pledges to the above, except for the bit about "LOLzers."

I already distrust these sites that let others hijack my bio and only let me reclaim it if I become a member. It's a blatant extortion scheme to get me to join. Look at my Gleamd profile, which I found last week:

Feels like a weak Wikipedia entry. But on Wikipedia, I could pop in (even without an account) and explain any flaws. My edits would be reviewed by other Wikipedia users, and eventually some fair profile would come out. But I can't edit anything about myself on Gleamd. Instead I can make an account, "claim" to be myself, and write a note saying I have wings. And then I can go claim to be Chuck Norris.

Gleamd at least could be a poor man's person-search. Yahoo Mash, though, doesn't do anything real. I found out about it when Ben Gold (an Internet fanboy) made me a profile:

On the upside, Yahoo let me delete this profile and opt out of getting more made. Thank god, because I don't see much promise in Yahoo's new stab at social networking. (How could a site with so many rich social properties like Flickr, Upcoming, Yahoo Games, and Yahoo Groups decide that social networking should look like Yahoo 360 or center around "my celebrity look-alikes"?)

Mash's failures are many. The site allows people to edit each other's profiles, but also allows people to close off their own profiles — which means everyone who knows how to do so, will, while the technically inept will become frustrated at their loss of control. The page itself turns me off: the "This is fugly" link, the empty fields that depress me without enticing me to fill them, and the "Mash Pet" that the New York Times calls "a little hand drawn figure that is modeled after a Tamagotchi or a Neopet." Tamagotchi! How's that for up-to-date cultural relevance!

I can only hope that sites like Gleamd and Yahoo Mash compete for the same busybody users and thus remain on the fringe, so people can continue to find me through Google and my own sites. Social networks are stressful enough when I create my own profile; please don't create them for me.

It's gonna get buried immediately.
The headline is "Pictures of towers [PIC]" and the article has three pictures of towers. One of them is clearly just a Lego tower with some perspective tricks. Digg has replaced the "Ok, this is lame" option with "This is worse than temporary death" just for your article. Your story will get buried, and the undertaker will whack it with the shovel just to be sure.

It's the seventh story you sent me this week.
You asked me to digg "My brother falls in the shower" and I did. It got buried. You asked me to digg "RUMOR: Apple to add GPS to iPhone" just because you had a hunch, and I did. It got buried. So did the other four. Give up, man.

You clearly just want to get traffic on your blog.
But why? It's a freaking Blogspot with the default template. You have one Google ad box on it. If your story hit the front page and got 5000 diggs, you'd make about a dollar. Then you'd lose it because, duh, clickfraud. How about I just give you a dollar and then take it away in a week?

Actually, I don't know you that well.
Was I on your Gmail contacts list? Yes, yes I was, because look at the two hundred other addresses you sent to, including no-reply@yahoo.com. Really thought that one out, didn't you. LEARN TO BCC.

Oh wait, the headline isn't "Pictures of towers [PIC]".
It's "Pcitures of towers [PIC]" and in the fleeting second before your article is banished to some satanic world for bad entries, to reside frozen in Steve Ballmer's mouth in the ninth circle of the Diggferno, in that brief moment, briefer than the glint of light enjoyed a sparrow flying through a barn at midnight and passing under an LED — in THAT MOMENT someone will find the time to mock your inability to type. They will say "Gud spleling ahssole."

Photo of Nick Douglas by Scott Beale. Nick Douglas writes at Valleywag, Too Much Nick, and Look Shiny. He's listening to cross-genre covers of "Umbrella."

1. Break open your profile
The profile you already have (on Facebook, LinkedIn, or whatever site has started overwhelming you) is now your public profile. Turn on all permissions and let everyone see everything. (Remember to clean out anything scandalous; you can add it to your secret profile later.) As I explained in "How to be a good 'friend,'" social network users like to see other people's profiles even if they're not friends.

Now approve every friend request Keeping a crowd-approving profile is a bit like being the life of the party, without the party. (Or most of the life.) At least it satisfies acquaintances who don't realize they're getting B-listed.

2. Make a secret profile
You know how to set up a profile. Here are some tips for keeping it secret:

• Use a nickname, either one that only close friends know or one that you just made up.
• Use a second e-mail address; you should probably switch your public profile's contact info to a secondary phone number and e-mail address and use your real ones here.
• Don't use your common name, so searching that name only brings up your public profile. People on your "secret" friend list are, by definition, too close to you to care that you used a handle.
• Don't link to this profile anywhere. On this profile, you are in control, not the people who want to find you.

3. Invite fewer people than you want to.
Decide how many people you consider really close contacts. Now invite 75% of them. You can always add more later; the point here is to pare down. If you go overboard and feel overwhelmed again, you'll have to delete someone who already knows your secret identity.

Nick Douglas writes for Valleywag, Too Much Nick, and Look Shiny. You're not on his secret friend list.

1. Cell phones on planes: Airbus just got approved to enable onboard cell phone use in Europe. Though plane crews can enable a voice-off mode, don't bet on that being enforced during flights as airlines try to offer more convenience to business passengers. Imagine being stuck for seven hours with one half of a conversation. You'll want to grab the thing out of your neighbor's hand and flush it down the tiny airplane toilet.

2. Animated billboards: American cities are increasingly asked to legislate electronic billboards. Des Moines just decided that billboards can change images every eight seconds. The state of Arkansas set the same limit three weeks ago when it approved electronic billboards. (California may soon affirm the right to erect electronic billboards.) Expect advertising firms to push for lower minimums as the public gets used to the flashier advertising. If supporters can argue that the signs haven't caused accidents, it'll be harder to fight them with complaints of mere annoyance.

3. Aggressive in-car GPS: Triple-digit growth in GPS navigation units (over 3 million could be sold this year) means a huge number of drivers are dealing with the little gadgets that usually help them find their way — but occasionally cause accidents and often just bug the hell out of them. Every time a GPS-using driver takes an unprogrammed exit from the highway to gas up, the navigation system recalibrates and announces the changes in that ubiquitous female voice. It'll sound eerily like this.

4. Camera-wearing freaks: Sure, the Justin.tv lifestream network now hosts streams from a dozen cameras, most attached to or pointing at one exhibitionist asshat (me, for example). But the real freaks to worry about are the camera-phone carriers that rapper Mike Skinner lamented in his latest album ("How the hell am I supposed to be able to do a line in front of complete strangers when I know they've all got cameras?"). Still-shot cameras are already standard-issue on phones, and mid-range phones now come with video cameras. Every digital camera takes thirty-second videos, and proper camcorders are pocket-sized and under 500 bucks. So if you don't want to end up on YouTube where a million children and losers will say "omg that was gay," just don't do anything stupid for the rest of your life, mmkay?

5. Even more iPods: Not to be a downer, but isn't it a bit depressing when everyone walks around with earphones in? iPods aren't just for rich folks, now that they cost as little as 80 bucks. Last Christmas put Apple over 20 million iPods sold in Q4. (Half that many were sold the quarter after — the iPod's third-best quarter ever.) And who's buying them? The trendy cute members of the opposite sex that you wanted to talk to on the train. Or, of course, the annoying prick blocking your way in the mall.

6. Traffic cameras: Despite fights from driver advocacy groups, red-light cameras are still on the rise, and several states may reverse their bans on speed-violation cameras. Better wireless technology means quicker processing and more efficient systems that will replace traffic cops (who know that hey, you really tried to obey that light) with unmerciful computers. Will you bother going to court to fight the tickets, or will you just pay up?

7. Energy-saving wonks: Thanks liberals, for getting everyone riled up about energy consumption without any proper knowledge of the metrics. Under the inevitable Democratic regime to come, expect climate change to replace the war on terror as America's biggest fear. Also expect the public to get it just as wrong.

Just remember this: A full 17% of the nation's energy consumption — including industrial, transportation, commercial and residential uses — is from gasoline use. Another 6% is from diesel fuel. Replacing a daily car trip by biking or walking does more than all the unplugging of little electronic device chargers you learned about on some eager efficiency blog.

While a third of U.S. energy consumption is industrial and another 28% is used in transportation, everyone will focus on What They Can Do to curb the 21% of consumption that happens in their homes. Most likely they'll try unplugging their phone chargers and putting their computers to sleep as they've been told. But only 5% of home energy use comes from electronics. How many people will clean their fridge coils (refrigeration: 8%) or seal doorways and windows (space heating: 32%)?

Photos: Caribb, Uptick, Rodbegbie, Laughing Squid, Cathycracks, Green308, Louisiana.

Nick Douglas writes for Valleywag, Bad Idea a Day, and Look Shiny. He's annoyed.

8. eBay

• Why it sucks: Years ago, eBay was just big enough to provide a decent assortment of goods and healthy bidding. But then the "power sellers" took over, driving out small sellers with thin margins. Scams, spammy listings and feedback inflation cluttered the site.
• Why we still use it: It's the biggest game in town (except Craigslist, for deals literally in town). The site's Wal-Mart-sized selection makes eBay the go-to site for buyers.
• The alternative: None, really; even Yahoo recently shut down their competing auction site. Potential competitor Etsy is rubbish too.

7. Go Daddy

• Why it sucks: "Hey! Looks like you want to register a web domain! How about also buying these ten domains you don't want? If you're not interested and actually just want to buy the domain, click this tiny link in the corner." "Hey! Before we get to the buying bit, here are some offers you don't give a damn about, all more lucrative to us than your domain purchase! If you want to triple your bill, click this big button! If not, here's another tiny link!"
• Why we still use it: It's generally the cheapest registrar, and there are like a million codes (I use "digg") for discounts. And now there's a button for skipping most of the offers.
• The alternative: Domain Name Wire lists others including Moniker, though Go Daddy is their user favorite.

6. YouTube

• Why it sucks: Most of the videos are rubbish. So are most of the users and pretty much all the comments, which are either "This sux ur retarded" or "If you don't forward this comment to seven people a ghost will eat you."
• Why we still use it: Dude, it's frakking huge. They've got every Family Guy clip and a bootleg of every good video from all the other services. For publishers, there's the hope of being featured on YouTube's homepage and getting a million views.
• The alternatives: Vimeo rocks for sharing personal videos and getting positive community feedback. Blip.tv is my favorite for hosting a videoblog. Super Deluxe has better comedy. You can find good videos from YouTube and other networks at VodPod.

5. Paypal

• Why it sucks: The company is constantly accused of freezing customers' funds or failing to insure certain purchases. Anyone who takes credit card payments (more than a few times a year) has to pay a percentage fee on all incoming payments.
• Why we still use it: Again, it's the biggest or only game in town, and a recognized name is still more trusted than some fly-by-night payment service.
• The alternative: Google Checkout is gunning for the market, and attaching the service to Google's ubiquitous text ads could create a juggernaut.

4. Microsoft Windows

• Why it sucks: Crashes, awkward user interface, and a confusing environment that the average computer user will never learn, putting them at the mercy of the equally awful Geek Squad.
• Why we still use it: Other computers won't handle our files, right? (Actually, the most common Windows file formats work pretty well now on Mac software; Microsoft software for Macs is great.)
• The alternative: Apple's Macs, of course. After using PCs for a decade, I switched last year and have loved it ever since. If you switch now, of course, you can still buy a copy of Windows for your Mac and still play all the Windows-only shoot-em-up games.

3. Blogger

• Why it sucks: The system's full of spam blogs (even though bloggers have to enter an insulting word verification on their own blogs), the commenting system is stupid (separate pages just for comments?), and the templates are junk.
• Why we still use it: It's easy as pie. Like, smooth pumpkin pie that you could gum even if you had no teeth.
• The alternative: For beginners, the adorable and friendly Vox; for those with a bit of knowledge, WordPress.com.

2. MySpace

• Why it sucks: Ahahahahayeah. Awful users, spammers trying to "friend" you, broken pages, stupid ads, and the site keeps forgetting your login.
• Why we still use it: Maybe you don't, but tens of millions of people do (using over 100 million accounts). It's practically a Google for finding people, and a way to find a few songs from every popular or up-and-coming band (and plenty of going-nowhere ones).
• The alternative: Facebook, natch. Need new music? Try the Hype Machine.

1. Evite

• Why it sucks: The invitation e-mails don't contain the info for the event! Gah! And the page everyone clicks to is choked with ads. RSVPing takes the user to a page with no new information, a cheap extra pageview for evite, and the user has to go back to see the event info again.
• Why we still use it: No reason, really; evite's great in that RSVPers don't have to register for an account, but plenty of other sites can say the same.
• The alternative: There's Yahoo's Upcoming, which does require a Yahoo account to RSVP. It lets users easily add events to their iCal, Yahoo, or Google calendars. Google Calendar is fantastic. It autosuggests Gmail contacts when an organizer invites people by e-mail; the invitation e-mail includes all event info. Also try Socializr, which seems pretty cool, lets you import contacts from everywhere, and has witty copy.

1. Where are all the hot girls? California is teeming with beautiful women. For the most part, they're not in tech. Yes, cute Valley women exist, but they're constantly glommed on by desperate and ugly men. No wonder all the gorgeous women in the industry flee the party scene and find their own non-tech crowds. Of course, I'm framing it this way because I'm male, straight, and a dick. My fellow Valleywag writer Megan tells me that the boys of Silicon Valley are on the low end of the looks scale too. It's not the end of the world; it just means we can stop pretending that the tech world is a dating scene. You want that, go join a jogging club.

2. No, I don't want your card. I'm going to throw it out. If I'd wanted your card, I would have asked you; though I probably would have just asked for your e-mail, so I could ping you. Isn't that why we all carry these full-screen QWERTY brick-phones? By the way, why is your card glossy, colored and cleverly shaped? How, you moron, am I supposed to write on this?

3. You're boring. Dear person I'm stuck with at a party: Your most scintillating talk is about gadgets. You have an hour-long podcast. Your way of talking about national politics is offering arrogant political advice to presidential candidates. (Good thing you'll never meet them.) Or you're just well-meaning but dull as rocks. I know you think I care what you have to say. It's okay, I understand; I am witty and engaging, as you have noticed by reading my blog. I'm too kind to tell you that you're going to make me slump over from physical weariness, my cocktail staining your equally boring tie. No, I've been trained to slap an asinine grin on my face and waggle my eyebrows at your bad jokes, even if I'd rather join the bukkake cluster gathering around this party's one almost-hot girl.

4. And so is your business. You may be pretty cool, but shut up about your hard drive solution, or your newly released API, or your partnership with NotIfItWereTheLastFuckingSearchEngineOnEarth.com. Can we just chat about books or movies or your dog or the BART trains? Just anything that reminds me you have a life outside of this job I'd never want and don't envy, despite it earning you an obscene amount and paying your way to this conference?

5. Oh boy, a young person started a business. Who cares? It's impressive that Kris Tate started an international photo sharing site (Zooomr) when he was still breastfeeding. Less impressive is the host of kids with local hosting businesses, design firms (clients: five local pro bono pieces and a friend's blog), and "content sites" (read: web pages). It's cool and all that they started businesses, but they still have a 90% chance of failing just like everyone else. The real test is whether they already have an idea for business #2. For young entrepreneurs worth watching, try Jared Kim, who's building his second gaming-related company while on leave from college. I wouldn't be surprised to see the founders of Reddit, at least one of whom has already left Reddit's new parent company Conde Nast, start something else as well.

6. I'm jealous of your money. Oh, it happens to so many of us. Not just the journalists and bloggers scrabbling for $60k, but even the engineers with $125k paychecks will eventually find their friend's just made $3 mil off a sale of a startup they didn't even start. Of course, those millionaires will still be jealous of their colleagues who made it out with "fuck you" money (after all, retiring for life takes at least $9 million), who will in turn start hanging out with moguls whose fortunes dwarf their own. But yes, at the regular level, we all get jealous of someone else's cash. Just remember that the richest man in the world is a nerd who cried in front of the Supreme Court, and the company that made him rich can't put out a decent operating system even after five years of work.

Photo: Willo. Nick Douglas writes for Valleywag, Blogebrity, and Look Shiny. He didn't mean all those horrible things he said, baby.