For the most part, Oracle was playing nice this year. No acquisitions announced at the last minute. No wild claims about bullshit products. It was a much more subdued conference for the company.

Not quite so for Sun Microsystems, a shrinking violet at this year's show. Sun's made quite a business out of selling Unix and Oracle systems together. While Sun's head of PR was in attendance, and no doubt countless underlings as well, there wasn't much there to tie the two companies together. Rather a shame for anyone who's been betting that Oracle would buy out Sun as a way of backing into the hardware market.

Not that that would ever have happened anyway. Really, the reason Sun's not here is that it acquired its own database, MySQL earlier this year. Why play with the big boys when you can own something that's really not ownable?

It should be noted that Larry Ellison is far too in love with his sail boat.

(Photo via Oracle Apps Blog)

And isn't there something that's just completely unagreeable about giving Oracle employees space in the press area? Even if they are paid-for bloggers.

HP's woes don't tie to anything more than personal illness. As a bonus blind item, which HP'er showed up late, didn't have a badge, fainted, then vomited all over the registration desk?

Anyway, all the drunken out of town soccer moms, PeopleSoft devs and DBAs are on Treasure Island tonight watching UB40 earworm its way into their subconsiousness. Normally, the ConFonz would be all over this shwanky free food and booze event. Too bad the Fonz can't stand to be within 5 miles of UB40. Auditorily-mandated restraining orders are a bitch.

To quote Tristan Tzara: Dadadadadaadaaadaadaaa!

Why did humans ever use these cursed compilations of circuits and crunchy capacitors before the Internet? Without this pulsating tendril to connect each of us to that heaping ball of darkness we call the Net, we'd all just be sitting at home, alone and naked, weeping softly into our pillows.

As it so happens, there's this thing called the network, and it's the heart of our businesses, right? These giant high schools we call enterprises are all standing on top of metric fuck-tons of data. There are entire hordes of people who tend the databases. They come from all walks of life. They are small town folks, big town hot shots, and basement dwelling nerdlings. A smattering of swaggering dickheads rounds out an otherwise evenly spaced herd of around 35,000 shwag grabbers.

More after the jump.

The most popular implement of branding was the translucent hand fan with laser-message inscribed on the blades as they spin. Elsewhere, big blue "We're # 1" fingers came out for jousting and slap fighting sessions.

Then, there was Joan Jett, who fucking rocks. She may be older than the milkman, but every DBA in San Francisco woulda fucked her that night at the Cow Palace. One Optio executive threw his tighty whities at her, sparking off a chocolate fondue fight that had to be broken up by the gorilla-sized negroid guards.

The contingent from the Ganges was certainly feeling its thizzle, as they swapped wives and lap-sittings in a dark corner of the Cow Palace: sacred ground. But it was the Altova honkies that had the best night of their lives. Someone handed over extra wrist bands for their hookers, and the group took over the dance floor with crazy tranny-man gyrations.

Oh, to have seen the surprised looks during the unwrapping ceremony that undoubtedly took place later that same evening.

Too bad Larry Ellison couldn't be found at his own party. Undoubtedly, he was in his orbital throne, gazing down from above through those beady samurai eyes. Who knew that business could give a man the 1000-yard stare?

It's not an ad. It was the lead-in video to Michael Dell's Oracle (Open)World keynote address to 41,000 tech types who know it means to kick proprietary a__s. — JohnP@Dell

More after the jump.

Somebody's ass should have gotten kicked alright. John is correct, it's not an ad, it is a PSA to remind you that rich a-holes are not humorous, they are not your friends; and no amount of marketing, ponytails or lame videos can change that.

I also received an email from JibJab concerning the Dell ad.

Dear Valleywaggers - This is Gregg Spiridellis, co-founder JibJab. I can promise you we had absolutely nothing to do with this video. We typically try to be funny :-)

We didn't believe JibJab actually produced the ad for that very same reason, only noting the video used a style of animation JibJab is well known for. We apologize to any Valleywag readers if our headline implied JabJab had anything to do with that craptastic video.

Who Is This Dell 'Viral' Ad For? [Gizmodo]
Did Dell Hire JibJab to Handle Advertising? [Valleywag]

We're getting various early reports of stale croissants this morning, but expectations run high at the zeppole stands, and people are lining up early to chow down on Larry's foot-longs, no doubt.

Here is one for Oracle's marketing department. "Oracle Software: At Least Our Hot Dogs Don't Stink."