The first thing you notice when you walk into the Google cafe—sorry, the "Hemisphere Cafe"—is that signature cafeteria smell of rotting fruit and industrial antisepsis. The second thing is the big whiteboard wall where the local and organic origin of the week's foodstuff is scribbled in multicolored marker. Wacky!

The rest of the cafeteria space is comprised by a big florescent-lit room with a patio and a great view across the Hudson to the bright lights of New Jersey. The women in it last night were clustered in knots around the suited men with blue nametags, which indicated Google employment. Other people with blue nametags stood forlornly at kiosks that had been set up to demonstrate "the ways Google is there for you at every stage of your life," according to Eric Obenzinger, a 22-year-old associate in Google's Global Communications and Public Affairs department.

"What about Google Death? Are they working on that yet?" asked one waggish reporter. Eric, a redhead, blushed scarlet. He had just moved to New York after graduating from Penn in June. "I watch a lot of Sex And The City," he admitted. Was he looking for a girlfriend at the media party? "I just got out of a long term relationship," he said, blushing harder. He also apologized for the tragic state of the buffet, which included frighteningly dilapidated sushi, cold mac and cheese, and chicken wings. "The food is usually much better." Maybe Google only had limited resources to spend on the media party. As everyone knows, they are a very poor company.

Maybe they will finally make some money via this idea that Google can help you navigate every life stage, though! At the party, this concept was mainly communicated mainly via swag, which included multicolored baby bottles, representing childhood, and lava lamps, representing being a thirteen-year-old loser with no friends. "What about Google husband finder, does that exist yet?" I heard Star Editor at Large Julia Allison badgering some hapless Googler as I left. The answer, of course, is no.

But! Waiting to cross the street on the sidewalk outside the Googleplex, a guy with a green nametag (which meant reporter) approached me. "That was awful, huh? Where are you headed?"

I told him that I was going to the Chelsea Market across the street to get a lobster roll; I hadn't been able to bring myself to eat any of the Google food and I was pretty hungry. We chatted about how lame the party had been, and then the dude was like, "Nice meeting you, Kate."

"Oh, I'm not really Kate Appleton," I said. "I'm Emily Gould. Email me! I'm eminently Googleable." And he did! The system works.

Burning Man fans are split. In theory, Burning Man belongs to everybody, even me. In practice, setting the name free would allow Starbucks, Nike and Hummer to legally use it in products and promos. The dirty secret is that old-school hippie Harvey and his team have kept Burning Man's name clean for twenty years through diligent, ruthless enforcement of their corporate trademark. Test it yourself: Post an item on eBay with "PERFECT FOR BURNING MAN" and get out your stopwatch.

John Law Sues His Former Burning Man Partners [Laughing Squid]

Burning Man Founders Mired in Dispute [SF Examiner]

Over 400 people at the Arrington Ranch, gateway to the Valley. Mike Arrington stuffed all of Web 2.0 into his ranch for the fifth TechCrunch meetup. The night's excuse to drink major event was the launch of Robert Scoble and Shel Israel's book, Naked Conversations.

Mike covered the event on TechCrunch, but here's the Valleywag shallow version, with photos from Scott Beale (thanks Scott!).

Forget the state of the blogosphere, cutie. Technorati's Dave Sifry wants to know the state of you.

Sean Savage doesn't go to parties. Sean Savage goes to very organized flash mobs.

Kevin Burton gets you drunk, after the jump.

Dogster's Ted Rheingold discovers unspeakable horrors in Mike's fridge.

"Sell it...sell that...that too...heard bad things about that founder, sell it. Yes, of course I'm talking about my Alexadex holdings."

"I'm Shel Israel, and I wrote this book too."

"Dear Mike, enjoy the book! Sincerely, Shel. Shel Israel. I co-wrote the book."

Robert Scoble: "Heh, some guy put his name here too."

Mike Arrington: "I'd like to congratulate Robert Scoble and...that...whoever that co-writer was."

Technorati's Tantek Celik to PubSub's Salim Ismail: "Yep, still beating you at tracking 'brrreeeport.'"

Here, have a sixth drink, and reconsider buying Kevin Burton's company.

Bonus commentary: Flick through the Flickr set for Kevin Burton's snappy comments.

Thank You For Coming to TechCrunch 5 [TechCrunch]
Naked Conversations TechCrunch Party Photos [Laughing Squid]

He snapped a few camphone pics of the ensuing party. This is my favorite:

See that sign back there? "We Love People." Brilliant. More pics after the jump.

Those pesky customers [Adam Kalsey]
Visiting Ning [plans on Ning]

Nerd clusters.

See, Marc, that wasn't so bad.