Desperate for his costume's finishing touch, Rubyred's Ted Grubb ripped this mustache off a passing hobo.

It's next summer's superhero hit: GigaOM and Scobleizer, the blogger duo. With their piles of VC funding combined, they're just two gym memberships away from Batman and Robin.

The Valleyschwag team. (Don't even think about it. She's 17.)

Digg.com founder Kevin Rose couldn't make it, so he sent this convincing wax figure in his stead.

These ladies were deemed too salacious and were asked to stop their heathen dance.

Around 1 AM, some real cowboys walked in and kicked Valleyschwagger Jonathan Grubb's ass back to the dude ranch.

The main event was the schwag fashion show, MC'd by video blogger Irina Slutsky.

She just met the guy who fits in this hat.

Consider the talent competition over.

The back reads, "eBay China. We haven't landed anyone in jail yet."

When Meetro's Vincent Lauria feels hot, his clothes had better get the fuck out of the way.

Whore.

"Thor Muller, I wish I could quit you."

"They can't haves it! It's mine, my precious!"

This is why we got the Brokeback jokes out of the way.

Blogger Chris Messina is having so much fun talking about this party with his chat room friends.

The infamous etched Powerbook that made the world's geeks so transparently jealous this week.

Robert Scoble wants you to work for PodTech.

Valleyschwag Hoedown [Laughing Squid]

It is thus with greatest pleasure that I opened the July edition of Valleyschwag. The monthly branded-geegaws package outdid itself by scoring some edibles from aol.com. Love or loathe it, any site that sends Superman cookies bound up with its logo is a winner. The crumbs may fade, but the memory of AOL's gesture — or is that just the saturated fat — will stick with me.

Equally scrumptious is the fortune cookie from Mozes, which tells me to text "fortune" to 66937 for my fortune. Not that I bothered texting, as adding "in bed" to "Mozes" was entertainment enough.

After the jump, more schwag, and someone's holding a hoedown.

Edgeio sends a pleasantly generic sticker that won't go on my iBook, as do abazab, eurekster, and snubster.

AOL accompanies the cookies with a dogtag bearing that little man. He's jumping. It's a symbol of an AOL user trying to fly. AOL must represent gravity, or lost dreams or something.

Jumpcut sends a rough but rightly-sized (small) tee. The logo looks cool enough to wear on an off day.

That's everything except waitwhat'sthisit'saPOSTER FROM VALLEYSCHWAG! Looks like the cowboys are holding a hoedown on July 14 at their office in South Park, San Francisco. Check out the deets and RSVP here.

Valleyschwag [Official site]
Valleyschwag hoedown [Announcement]

Valleywag's first SloshCon at the House of Shields was so successful that my hangover's having baby hangovers. Remember the live-audience interviews and speeches on the game plan? Scrapped. We didn't want to ruin the vibe (half the crowd had arrived in the first 20 minutes), so we all kept on drinking and bullshitting one-on-one. (Top photo by Jeremiah Owyang)

Tag your Flickr'd party photos with "SloshCon" — just like the Mopping Up post says.

Irina Slutsky, host of Geek Entertainment TV, and Amber MacArthur, host of commandN and Call For Help — 66% of the blond vlogosphere. [Irina Slutsky]

Irina was overheard telling GETV producer Eddie Codel, "You need to feed me or videotape me, right now!" And who wouldn't gladly do both?

"So your claims to fame are a snarky site called Fucked Company, a nearly fucked company called AdBrite, and recording yourself in various costumes and, most disturbingly of all, your undressed body? And she is willing to date you?" Pud: "Yes." "Oh my God you're my hero." [Adam Engelhart]

A bewildered Jeff Veen points in bewilderment as TechCrunch's Michael Arrington and I (the tiny one) re-enact a favorite Arrington pose. [Brian Oberkirch]

Arrington says he made the first shocker when Tara Hunt went around at a party, telling everyone to do it. At the time he had no idea what the gesture meant. (Sure, Michael, sure.)

A friend of Jeff, by the way, greeted me with "So you're the one who almost fucked up Jeff's Measure Map deal?" (Yes. Yes I am.)

Famous awesome people who showed: Philip "Pud" Kaplan (a Valleywag favorite this week), TV star Amber MacArthur, Jon Grubb and Thor Muller (the Lennon and McCartney of Rubyred Labs), and Michael Arrington (Web 2.0's war correspondent)

Famous less awesome people who must have had a sudden emergency, like, their entire hometown just blew up: Digg founder Kevin Rose

See more of these webstars! Click past the jump!

Rubyred Labs and Valleyschwag co-founder Jonathan Grubb tastes like magic ice cream. [Adam Engelhart]

"Aaaaaah Pud, that's the best man-boy-love joke ever!" [Adam Engelhart]

Technorati principal engineer Kevin Marks and fresh Google hire Catspaw stare into the laptop photobooth of a fellow #joiito IRC chatter (that's at irc.freenode.net), Other Maciej, who has a whole gallery of liberally applied Photoshop effects from the party. [Other Maciej]

Best thing about geek parties is, if you're bored, you can just find a laptop and surf some animal porn. [Adam Engelhart

We had a webcast and a backchannel chat up in honor of the sober vicarious party-goers living in the middle of nowhere (read: not in the Valley). [Adam Engelhart]

Valleywag does Top Gun: "Too close for shots, I'm switching to beer." [Jeremiah Owyang]

That smile says "I don't know they're winding up for a Roxbury hip slam." [Adam Engelhart

Thanks for hanging out, Silicon Valley! Come back in the fall for "SloshCon 2: The Disappointingly Boring But More Productive Sequel!"

Flickr Galleries:
Other Maciej [Flickr]
Jeremiah Owyang [Flickr]
Adam Engelhart [Flickr]

But, of course, Valleyschwaggers get first dibs on the "smaller/newer/better" betas. And somehow, Rubyred will do it all without giving users' names or e-mails to other companies.

Valleybeta [Official site]

Rubyred Labs' Valleyschwag service launched last month with a fancy (and inexplicably cowboy-themed) site and the promise of a monthly schwag pack for every subscriber. $15 buys a monthly bundle of Valley-branded tees, stickers, and chapstick (yes). Now Schwagsketeers get something for free — a crack at private betas. The Valleyschwag newsletter says:

CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET? [No. — Ed.] We'll soon be rolling out a companion piece to Valleyschwag called Valleybeta, a service which will give members access to sizzling private betas before their release. As a Valleyschwag member you're automatically registered, as long as you complete the profile form on your Valleyschwag Page. And, yes, it's free.

For all but the most harried journalists mired in Web 2.0, private betas are little treasures, and a fun way to try a new service, feel special, and royally fuck up your computer. Valleybeta users can customize their beta subscriptions by category, hand out personal information, and get in on the ground floor of the next Boo.com, Webvan, or Kozmo.

My Valleyschwag [Valleyschwag.com]

It's wrapped in burlap. Like a really rough Hustler.

Triple-wrapped — remember, guys, always bag your schwag!

Ahhhh, sweet sweet schwagload.

Verdict: Worth every penny. The stickers will cover the rest of this Compaq lid, and the tees will cover my nakedness. The Yelp chapstick (seriously) will serve as protection from the harsh chill of a San Francisco summer.

Since I'm an early subscriber (subscriber #1, uncomped), Rubyred threw in goodies like a Channel 9 foamhead from the Microsoft Developers Network. Cool. It's so...so...practical.

Got an extra bag from the Maker Faire (a schwag bag, actually), so I made a Schwag Schwap Wiki for schwag trading.

After the jump, other people rave about Valleyschwag.

Other subscribers blogged testimonials:

I'm such a believer in Schwag, I've even made VentureBlog stickers. Track me down at a conference and I'll be happy to give you one. Or maybe you'll get lucky and get one in Valleyschwag one of these days.
— VC David Hornik, VentureBlog

Web 2.0 is totally the new indie rock.
— Web developer David Demaree, Practicalmadness

More happy schwagsters:
Valleyschwag Reviews [Laughing Squid]
Photos tagged "Valleyschwag" [Flickr]

From the makers of Valleyschwag:
The Chronicles of Valleyschwag [Valleyschwag]
Behind the scenes at Valleyschwag... [theory.isthereason]
Valleyschwag Boinged [Jonathan Grubb]

Earlier: Valleyschwag: Monthly schwag bag, delivered to your door [Valleywag]

• Title: Web 2.0 has a local address
• Subtitle: South Park, the neighborhood that fostered the dot-com boom, is back
• Trend angle: San Fran is back too — the whole Valley is back. And this time the businesses are real.
• Poster children: Adaptive Path, Rubyred Labs, Wired, Technorati, VideoEgg, Mule Design Studio, and other tech companies from Bryant to Brannan, Second Street to Third Street
• Photos: Aerial shot infographic, kids in the park, street signs, and Rubyred's Thor Muller at the Cereal Bar.
• Lead: South Park startup Rubyred Labs has a trendy Cereal Bar.
• Sources: Scott Beale (Laughing Squid founder, photographed the Cereal Bar); Janice Fraser (CEO of South Park stalwart Adaptive Path); Matt Sanchez (CEO of startup VideoEgg); Jesse Blout (mayor's director of economic development); Jeffrey O'Brien (a senior editor of long-time South Parker Wired Magazine); Neighborhoodparks.org; Max Applegarth (owner of local cafe Caffe Centro); Jonathan Nelson (founder of online marketing agency Organic); Jonathan Wright (from burnout dot-com BigWords.com); Maggie Mason (mighty blogger and writer); Elvis Jessie Presley (homeless man); Jonathan Grubb (Rubyred co-founder and cereal analyst); Amy and Thor Muller (Rubyred co-founders and Noe Valley baby-raisers)
• Best line: "I saw 20-year-olds in head-to-toe Prada and said, 'This cannot last'" — Maggie Mason
• WTF: The tumbleweed story

Web 2.0 has a local address [SF Chronicle]

Well, this wasn't the Valleyschwag I mentioned yesterday, but it sure is sexy: San Fran web designers Rubyred Labs just launched Valleyschwag, a schwag-of-the-month club with a few things going for it:

¬ No schwag from evil companies (having a "don't be evil" clause doesn't count)
¬ An inexplicable cowboy theme
¬ A photo of schwag-wearing ex-model Nikita Kashner
¬ None of the money's going to Valleywag (It cannot be! They rhyme!) or Gawker Media.

Keep yourself clothed in Flock stock and Dabble duds. Sign up for Valleyschwag — I already did.

Valleyschwag: Join the Party [Valleyschwag.com]

Web-and-mobile design firm Rubyred Labs held its regular Cereal Bar breakfast this morning. This week's cereal social (held every Monday at Rubyred's office in SF's Soma district) was documented by camera-not-for-hire Scott Beale.

Also present was SF Chronicle writer Dan Fost, doing a piece on Rubyred Labs. Will the article be long, insightful, and feature large photos of the beautiful people at Rubyred? Of course. The only question is which section the piece will dominate: Business and Tech or the Datebook?

Neighbor Adaptive Path's Amanda Willoughby: "It's the only startup with a dress code and a two-drink minimum."

Co-founder Jonathan Grubb: "Damn it, we always run out of Fruity Pebbles."

After the jump, Rubyred dumps the whole "web design" deal for a catering gig.

Photos: Rubyred Labs' Cerealbar Photos [Laughing Squid]

Co-founder Thor Muller: "We're switching our business model to 'classic diner.'"

Thor: "More accurately, we're switching to a 'party venue' model."

Final co-founder Amy Muller: "Actually, we're all going to model. We're shooting for the next American Apparel catalog."

As hard as everyone tries to party, a meeting breaks out.