Gawker: valleywag, sand hill slave

Sand Hill Slave is up on the block

Nick Douglas — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 18:18:23 EDT

Sand Hill Slave deserves a better job. The anonymous VC assistant is taking inquiries for employment, she says on her blog. And no, this isn't a chance to uncover her secret identity — interviews are by IM, and any contract must include a no-outing-the-blogger clause. In return, the Slave's employer won't end up on the blog.

There are three ways this could go:

Someone very stupid hires and outs the Slave. Slave sues. Slave wins a million dollars, passes Go.
Yahoo hires slave as an official blogger of some sort. No one notices because no one reads official bloggers, and Slave happily fades into obscurity.
Slave gets a job — but, by definition, we'll never know, will we.

Sand Hill Slave Labor [Sand Hill Slave]

Why the Valley's not getting laid

Nick Douglas — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 17:46:36 EDT

As the President of the Colonies said in Battlestar Galactica, if the human race is going to survive after the ~~Googlers~~ Cylons attack, we're gonna have to start making babies. So why does all of Silicon Valley have such a hard time getting it on?

Sun CEO Jon Schwartz's ponytail (pictured) has a 40-mile-radius aura of unsexiness.
As Tom Foremski found, Cox Interactive keeps blocking Craigslist. Granted, if I wanted to see Cox on Craigslist, I'd just go to m4m. But seriously, the Internet provider is keeping geeks from the only way they know how to hook up. [Silicon Valley Watcher]
They write jokes like Wife 1.0 OS. "Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2." Har har. [Craigslist]
When they actually do post ads, geeks write shit like: "I'm looking for someone who doesn't want to be a wife right now, but misses some of the aspects of being a wife. That is, taking care of a man. I'm a 35 year old bachelor, a software professional, and I'm in the middle of a project right now." Come on now, Michael Arrington — you're not really a software professional. [Craigslist]

After the jump, the "keep the damn bars open" theory.

And who are the suave, snappily-dressed men to offset the nerds? Venture capitalists. Oh, perfect, because as admin assistant Sand Hill Slave can attest, nothing's hotter than a coked-out stripey-wearing VC associate who keeps bragging about his job. [Sand Hill Slave]
And the women of the Valley? "Hot for Silicon Valley" isn't a slam on real looks — it's a slam on every woman who insists on wearing a pantsuit from the 90s.
Closing time in San Francisco: 2 AM. Closing time in San Jose: 2 AM. Closing time in Cupertino: 2 AM. Come on, California lawmakers — bar-going geeks need at least another hour to loosen up.
The bedroom's out of wifi range.

Then again, it could be worse — we could all be in Washington, with all the romance of Silicon Valley and all the intelligence of Miami.

Is Sand Hill Slave for real?

ndouglas — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 07:33:12 EST

Oh noes! Could Silicon Valley's anonyblogger be an imposter? Is the Valleywag vs. Sand Hill Slave interview worthless? Bernie Cohen writes in an e-mail titled "Is Sand Hill Slave 4 real?":

The so-called Sand Hill Slave claims that Sand Hill Road is no closer than 40 miles to any body of water.
(while dissing Ticonderoga Capital)"...You name your firm after a fort that was...renamed after an Iroquois term meaning "Land between two waters" and your address is on Sand Hill Rd., Approximately [sic] 40+ miles away in any direction from bodies of water..."

-Sand Hill Slave http://www.sandhillslave.com/journal/

Now how is Sand Hill Road not within 40 miles of any body of water? Either the Pacific Ocean and San Francisco Bay don't qualify as bodies of water in "her" eyes, or the Sand Hill Slave is a bit of a hoax. Even VC admins are not so spaced out to think that Sand Hill Road is not within 40 miles of any body of water.

Perhaps we will soon see anonymous blogs from VCs dissing their admins. Now *that* would be good. Lots of juicy stories to tell, I'm sure...

So I checked — and apparently there is an ocean to the west. AND A BAY.

Has anyone else missed these bodies of water? Because I was assured before moving here that Silicon Valley was in a landlocked state.

Is Sand Hill Slave anywhere near Sand Hill Road? Did she just forget about the Pacific Ocean? Sometimes that happens.

Is she even a she? Is this Silicon Valley's weak answer to James Frey? More to come in Anonyblogger Scandal News.

Valleywag exclusive: Interview with Sand Hill Slave

ndouglas — Tue, 07 Feb 2006 17:25:25 EST

Sand Hill Slave has been bitching — hilariously — about her work as an admin assistant at a couple of VC firms. The anonyblogger's tagline, "I No Longer Fear Hell for I work in Venture Capital," implies that she's just the sort of girl Valleywag should chat with. So I did.

Sand Hill Slave: Hey Valley Wag :-) How goes it the land of tech gossip?
Valleywag: Hey!
Valleywag: Right, so, Sand Hill Slave, you've been all over the blogosphere, planting joy in comment threads by linking to your blog.
Valleywag: How long have you been working in the valley?
Sand Hill Slave: long enough to make these observations :-)
Sand Hill Slave: about 5-6 years I guess
Sand Hill Slave: it's like dog years to me.
Valleywag: and you've climbed up the ladder?
Sand Hill Slave: yeah you could say that. climbed up, fallen, climbed back up again
Valleywag: Just confess it — you're John Doerr, right?
Sand Hill Slave: No it's me, Vinod.
Valleywag: vinod, eh?
Valleywag: the former golden-touch vc?
Sand Hill Slave: I'm not so sure any of these guys even pay attention
Sand Hill Slave: I mean an admin.. come on
Valleywag: john, you can't stall us. WHAT WAS WITH THE SEGWAY, JOHN?
Sand Hill Slave: Hey I like segways they are kind of cool
Sand Hill Slave: oooh are you flirting with me?
Sand Hill Slave: I could be a boy
Valleywag: oh, DO tell me that you aspire higher than dating gossip bloggers.
Valleywag: which vcs have you slept with?

Porn in the office and bad Banana Republic after the jump.

Sand Hill Slave: Yes the irony of it all is...I JUST WANT TO DATE A VC.
Sand Hill Slave: umm I've never slept with one
Valleywag: none yet? and you're already blogging?
Valleywag: So tell me about the partners with porn in the office.
Sand Hill Slave: yeah it was awhile back.
Sand Hill Slave: I was cleaning out an office...old board books and the like
Sand Hill Slave: and lo and behold
Sand Hill Slave: I couldn't help but start laughing
Valleywag: it'd make a killing on ebay
Sand Hill Slave: the porn on the computer
Sand Hill Slave: is the big one
Valleywag: so you go around searching for this?
Sand Hill Slave: it's more about cleaning out a messy office
Valleywag: and now you secretly want steve jurvetson to whisk you away on his chariot?
Sand Hill Slave: blonds are ok. but not really into them.
Sand Hill Slave: I just saw that movie Batman Returns and the guy in there...
Sand Hill Slave: He was in American Psycho.
Sand Hill Slave: Wow. how come men I work for do not look like that
Sand Hill Slave: Then I'd really have something to blog about-
Valleywag: so none of the vcs actually turn you on?
Sand Hill Slave: nope.
Valleywag: you must be hiding a raging crush for one of them
Sand Hill Slave: I need someone with a sense of humor. That's my first prerequisite.
Valleywag: and vcs...
Sand Hill Slave: I don't know every VC in the valley, but most of the ones I see/hear/meet
Sand Hill Slave: they are just...well...it is what it is.
Valleywag: and it is...?
Sand Hill Slave: Bland.
Sand Hill Slave: I'm just saying this from a perspective of a woman
Valleywag: so imagine the entire VC partner line-up is in front of you
Valleywag: and right now
Valleywag: RIGHT NOW
Valleywag: you have to get it on with one — or at least suffer through a date with the guy
Sand Hill Slave: hmmm
Sand Hill Slave: I have to look at pictures
Sand Hill Slave: most of them are older you know
Valleywag: that's what makes it so fun for ya
Sand Hill Slave: yeah Viagra has really f*cked things up for the trophy wives man
Valleywag: oldest vc with porn on the computer?
Sand Hill Slave: umm the oldest at the time... I think he was
Sand Hill Slave: probably around mid to late 40's
Valleywag: oh, that's disappointing
Sand Hill Slave: Well to be fair, I'm sure plenty of SV CEOs have smut rags stuffed somewhere in their offices or on their computer...
Valleywag: surely
Sand Hill Slave: why is it disappointing? Men around that age are most likely to stray from their wives
Valleywag: good point. ever found evidence?
Sand Hill Slave: there are plenty of stories in the valley about VCs CEOs etc sleeping with assistants
Sand Hill Slave: the Dresdner Wasserstein case in NYC
Sand Hill Slave: I've had married guys flirt with me
Valleywag: how high up?
Valleywag: can you name just one name?
Sand Hill Slave: people that have worked at my firms
Valleywag: about how many partners have flirted with you?
Sand Hill Slave: you know it's tough because you want to foster a good environment where everyone can joke around
Sand Hill Slave: so it's difficult to determine. and it's an individual assessment
Sand Hill Slave: what you might consider over the line
Valleywag: right, like, if a vc just wants to ride his admin's bare back like a horse
Sand Hill Slave: HAHAHHA
Valleywag: could all be in jest, no harm done
Valleywag: long as it's after noon
Sand Hill Slave: after everyone's gone....
Valleywag: everyone in suits anyway
Sand Hill Slave: yeah you can always tell the east coast guys from that one
Sand Hill Slave: when they show up in suits
Sand Hill Slave: I sometime think "That's some bad Banana Republic you got going on there"
Sand Hill Slave: whatever look you were going for.. you missed.
Sand Hill Slave: (things that go on in sand hill slaves head)
Valleywag: who, among all vcs you've worked for or not, was the most hopeless case, the biggest ego in the most undeserving container?
Sand Hill Slave: hahaha again.. no names from me. As for egos, COME most of them do. It's their nature.
Sand Hill Slave: (come on)
Valleywag: nice freudian slip
Valleywag: you want them BAD
Sand Hill Slave: uhh ok (sand hill slave breaks down)
Sand Hill Slave: (wipes her eyes on her thomas pink shirt and almost takes an eye out with the cufflink)
Sand Hill Slave: you caught me
Valleywag: so when do you show up on yahoo and reveal you're just part of an online reality show?
Sand Hill Slave: I'm sure I'll be outed at one point
Valleywag: yeah, with that self-publicity, how afraid are you of being named?
Sand Hill Slave: Not really.
Sand Hill Slave: Whether it's me or someone else that is doing a blog like this
Sand Hill Slave: a firm would be hard pressed to fire someone
Valleywag: you don't think this blog could get you fired?
Sand Hill Slave: there is no specific mention of the firm or the goings on
Sand Hill Slave: if it did they would have one hell of a lawsuit
Sand Hill Slave: on thier hands
Sand Hill Slave: we might "part ways" with a hefty severance payment
Valleywag: and if you left the business, would you name names?
Sand Hill Slave: maybe
Sand Hill Slave: but these people haven't done real harm to me
Sand Hill Slave: no need to embarrass them
Sand Hill Slave: some guys can be jerks to work for. But maybe in their personal life they are sweet as kittens...
Valleywag: do promise you'll be in touch with me when you're fired
Sand Hill Slave: hahaha
Sand Hill Slave: you bet

Sand Hill Slave [anonymous blog]