I asked Zaif about his gadget. His response was pretty much the same as everyone who owns an iPhone.

"I'm addicted," he said, "the internet is great on this, very fast."

He proceeded to show myself and our film crew his favourite websites. I half expected him to log on and show us 'Taliban Twitter'.

Just a year ago, the Taliban was threatening to blow up cell-phone towers if wireless operators didn't observe a curfew, ostensibly to prevent attacks by the American military. Which was a bit silly, since the U.S. Army has access to satellite phones. Of course, the Taliban didn't have a technophile like Zaif advising them back then. When the conservative religious movement ruled Afghanistan, it banned almost all modern technologies.

(Photo via Al Jazeera English)

Specifically, the "3G" part of "iPhone 3G." Patrizio writes that "on disabling 3G, service improved immediately. There were no more dropped calls. Audio quality was fine. Battery life was much better." An analyst tells Patrizio a chip inside the phone is the problem: "We believe that these issues are typical of an immature chipset and radio protocol stack where we are almost certain Infineon is the 3G supplier." Patrizio's three other problems with the iPhone:

• Steve Jobs's kill switch:
  

  Jobs confirmed if you install applications unapproved by Apple, the app will be removed as soon as you plug it in to synch and recharge. What would happen if Microsoft did this?

• Cracking cases. After The Unofficial Apple Weblog reported "Cracks 'appearing' in new iPhone 3Gs," they updated their story to write:
  

  Commenters are literally pouring in to tell us that as careful as they've been with their iPhone 3Gs, even the most babied devices are showing cracks.

• App developers are angry over NDAs. Developers building apps for the iPhone have a hard time helping each other out because Apple forces them to sign strict non-disclosure agreements. The response? FuckingNDA.com.

The best thing with which to mock a company that shouldn't exist is a company that doesn't actually exist. And San Francisco's Internet hipsters won't just snicker about your startup behind your back; they'll do it where your vanity Google Blog Alerts will find it. Plurk is only the latest target — a startup that lets users post short updates to the Web, as Twitter does, but adds a timeline. Plurk's faux nemesis: Pheltup, "the first social network that not only tells you WHO is doing WHAT; but also WHY." When some Twitter "thought leaders" — Pheltup's target market — fell for the rumor that it had acquired the freshly hatched Plurk, it just showed how easily pranked the neophile cool kids of the Web are. What upped the ante is that Plurk's real executives are now actually responding to the (fake) buzz about their "crude and unwholesome" would-be owners.

The Pheltup and Plurk story seemed too good to check, but even if one did, there was plenty of evidence — almost a textbook, check-the-box approach to launching the startup. A 111 Minna launch party listed on Upcoming; a support topic opened on customer-service disccusion board Get Satisfaction; and some sadly plausible Twitter hype.

And the last is where Pheltup and Plurk really converge. Twitter hype is the latest currency of copycat companies who mistake Web attention for making a product anyone wants. Plurk "overlord" Akan seems to even get that: "All indications point to Pheltup being a rather elaborate hoax amongst A-list Twitterers," as he wrote in a comment on a blog post. As opposed to, say, Plurk. Even when it's so clear that it's all a joke, the real startup owners are writing the punchlines for the rest of us.

"Sorry, your wireless Service Provider does not allow access to Facebook for your device." Sent from my Verizon Wireless Blackberry

GOOG-411 answers not with a hello, but with a forboding, "Calls recorded for quality." It then adds audio injury to insult by playing a randomly-selected voice actor enthusiastically shouting "GOOG-411!" The very first time I called, my right eardrum was nearly punctured by some bratty boy-child's shriek.

The service's designers seem overly smitten with their archive of voice snippets, which cover a wide range of ages and international accents. Perhaps they meant to draw a human smiley-face on Google's robotic server banks. More like several thousand smiley faces. While the system searches for your listing it sputters a barrage of chopped-up syllables, as if the machines were trying to learn to speak. One of my calls was answered with a cacophony of myriad tongues pronouncing "Roto-Rooter" and other business names. After several seconds during which I wondered if I'd been misconnected to a party line, an announcer broke in over the chatter:

800-GOOG-411. We're a little swamped right now, but just call back, and we'll try to help you out.

GOOG-411's speech recognition and directory search may be smarter than Sprint's, but its prerecorded human voice talent makes me want to kill. If I'm driving home from Modesto at 5 a.m. and need to find a Starbucks using only my BlackBerry and one hand, the last thing I want to hear is a bunch of politically correct voices telling me what I already know. For that, I've got NPR.

Yes, that's right, folks. I'm taking Steve Jobs's side on this one. People are buying unproven technology, and some are fiddling with it. And then they're shocked when it doesn't work? Get a Mac, people, and you'll learn that not all of Apple's software updates come out of the lab fully tested. Same thing goes for the iPhone, naturally, which runs a special version of the same buggy operating system. Yes, Apple's products are sleek and charming, but they're technology. And that means they're not perfect. If you expect perfection from a three-month-old product, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. So I'll understand if you're crestfallen. Bummed. I'll even tolerate a bout of melancholy. But outrage? Legal threats? Blustery talk of a "PR nightmare"? Save it for someone who cares. (Photoillustration by Tim Faulkner for Valleywag)

A tipster writes:

I just called AMEX about the $200 iPhone credit at their Return Protection Line (800) 297-8019 (9 minute wait time). I was told by the agent at this time they are accepting iPhone claims, but not processing them, they have yet to make a final decision. Apparently their official price protection program was discontinued several months ago, but they handle claims on a case-by-case basis.

They are aware that news has hit the web about the $200 credits.

Early iPhone buyers, after all, will have to spend the money at an Apple Store, and with Apple's lofty profit margins, a $100 retail credit will probably cost you $50 or so wholesale. And what are they going to buy? An iPod Touch, when they already have an iPhone? No, more likely the money will get spent on iPhone accessories and the like — all high-margin purchases which Apple can easily afford to give away to buy some goodwill. But still. It's the principle of the thing. Next thing you know, they'll be asking for refunds whenever you speed up the processor in a Mac.