Gawker: valleywag, uncov

Uncov editor takes paternity leave from Web 2.0

Paul Boutin — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 11:20:00 EDT

"I'm going to be a father in March and need some stability, but also because I'm tired of the fight," whines Ted Dziuba, the formerly fearless voice of Web 2.0 hateblog Uncov. It's a lie. Ted loves a fight, but he's got a sixth sense of when to quit. The math major got his dream job at Google, then bailed on Google to start Persai with two friends. Now he's quitting Persai, recently renamed Pressflip, to get steady work for the kid. It's too early in the morning to roust him on IM, so I don't know if he'll continue writing his Fail and You column for The Register. My guess is he will, because Ted needs to complain and The Reg pays better than Denton.

Uncov relaunches with loser-generated content

Owen Thomas — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 19:20:00 EDT

The downturn has an upside: Uncov, the vicious startup blog run by Ted Dziuba and Kyle Shank, has returned to life. The twist in its new incarnation: Anyone can write for it, and the best takedowns of overfluffed ventures will be published to Uncov's homepage. We can better that offer: The best things published to Uncov's homepage may well get plucked from obscurity and featured on Valleywag.

Uncov blogger wins America's CTO contest

Paul Boutin — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 18:20:00 EDT

Narrowingly beating out Hans Reiser in a tight reader vote, The Register's newest columnist, Ted Dziuba, has won the IT snark site's poll for CTO of America. Yeah, it's stupid. But after reading all those bloggers who seriously expect Barack Obama to come to them for sage counsel, I needed a break.

Uncov blogger lands column with The Register

Paul Boutin — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 11:30:47 EDT

Ted Dziuba — don't ask me how to pronounce it — was the brains behind Uncov, the blog that ruthlessly shadowed TechCrunch by bashing the technology of Web 2.0 startups. Ted's secret weapons: A math degree, a brief stint at Google, and a unique, hilarious writer's voice. I tried to get him to write for Valleywag or Wired, but it didn't happen. Instead, Ted will post every other week at UK-based IT infotainment site The Register. He'll make a fine American foil to The Reg's equally cynical Andrew Orlowski. We can't really call this a scoop, because we're sure Ted knew that mentioning his new gig in IRC was as good as posting it on Digg. Screengrab below.

LinkedIn cofounder Reid Hoffman needs Ted Dziuba's guide to weight loss

Nicholas Carlson — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 17:20:00 EDT

In today's Los Angeles Times, reporter Jessica Guynn calls LinkedIn founder, Facebook investor and PayPal veteran Reid Hoffman "Silicon Valley's biggest social networker." Guynn means that just the way you'd think, reporting that Hoffman gains about 10 pounds per year, refuses to see a trainer and "doesn't step on scales." Some might deem Guynn's language rude, but since Hoffman's unhealthy-seeming weight is exactly the kind of thing everyone in the Valley won't admit they talk about, we're rather glad she called attention to it. Fortunately for Hoffman, Persai cofounder Ted Dziuba is ready with an intervention. Lately, Dziuba's been writing servicey items about coder life on TedDziuba.com instead of eviscerating TechCrunch-covered startups on Uncov. A recent post is perfect for the rotund Hoffman. But at 725 words, "An engineer's guide to weight loss," the busy Hoffman will never take the time to read it. Below, a slimmer, 100-word version Hoffman can squeeze into his schedule.

Dieting and exercising suck. You are not going to have fun. The science is simple: eat fewer calories than your burn. Start quantifying. I use FitDay to track calories. Run a 1,000 calorie per day deficit. Go easy on the drinking. Take up smoking — a zero-calorie alternative. Eat one serving. Drink more coffee, an appetite suppressant. Low-fat ice cream has around 120 calories per half cup. After two weeks, your stomach will shrink. Step two is exercise. It's awful. Use an elliptical machine. Treadmills make you run. One hour per day, hard. You should be close to vomiting. Easy, huh?

(Photo by mandj98)

Uncov editor switches to photo art

Paul Boutin — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 00:42:53 EDT

Terrible Ted's Photoshop remix of an Owen-and-Julia party shot is so good I had to pull it up out of the comments.

Leah Culver gives Kyle Shank the cupcake treatment

Owen Thomas — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 21:10:07 EDT

Former Uncov guy and Persai CEO Kyle Shank, at center, recovers from an unsolicited cupcake smearing by Pownce's Leah Culver. The attack, likely motivated by Uncov accomplice Ted Dziuba's frequent gibes directed at Culver, took place at Flickr's fourth birthday party. Flickr's Cal Henderson, right, is said to have served as Culver's accomplice. Speaking of, can anyone confirm whether Henderson and Culver are dating? The two were inseparable at SXSW. If so, snaps to Culver: We hear Henderson's website is highly scalable. (Photo by magerleagues)

TechCrunch fails to hire Uncov editor

Paul Boutin — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 15:58:31 EST

Give Michael Arrington credit: He tried to hire his worst best critic, Uncov editor Ted Dziuba, who spent several months shadowing TechCrunch posts with scathing, technically astute slams of Web 2.0 startups and their products. Arrington's offer sounds pretty sweet: "write a weekly or monthly column for us. we'll call it a counter balance to our hype. No rules or restrictions on what you write," was Arrington's email, according to Dziuba. But from what I know of Ted, he has two reasons not to take the offer.

First, he's making far more money as an engineer for Persai than anyone will ever pay him to write. (B) Ted's probably afraid that by appearing on TechCrunch he would, to use his own words, "get classified in the same short bus as all of the other failboats in there."

MySpace non-platform launches

Owen Thomas — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 17:58:54 EST

MySpace has launched a so-called "developer platform," allowing glorified Web designers to write widgets slightly more sophisticated than a photo slideshow for the News Corp.-owned website. I asked Ted Dziuba of the late, lamented Uncov what he thought. Here's what he said:

c++ standard library: developer platform
java with hibernate & struts: developer platform
ruby on rails: developer platform
myspace: not a developer platform

Exactly. But calling it a "platform" lets MySpace pitch itself as the next Microsoft, and its "developers" fancy themselves the next Linus Torvalds. It benefits everyone, except for real programmers who have to explain to their CEO why they don't have a platform, too.

Uncov kids snub the big bloggers

Paul Boutin — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 08:16:15 EST

Robert Scoble and TechCrunch are among the big names not invited to test-drive news-filtering service Persai, which launched this week as a private beta. If you read Valleywag obsessively, you may know Persai is the full-time project of the mean, mean kids behind Web 2.0 smackdown site Uncov. Did they leave Arrington and Scoble out as a PR strategy, I asked? Was the idea to build a groundswell of online coverage before appearing on TechCrunch? Were they seeking more technical reviewers? "No," CEO Kyle Shank replied. "It was just spite."

Persai, the startup from the same guys who...

Owen Thomas — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 19:45:56 EST

Persai, the startup from the same guys who launched snarky tech blog Uncov, has launched an invitation-only beta. Recent screenshots don't show much change from the ones we saw last December: Google News, with a bit more orange. Fail? [Epicenter]

Dog day afternoon

Paul Boutin — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 20:02:29 EST

We finally got our wish: Full-motion video of Fondue and Taurus from funtrepreneur Jason "link to mahalo.com goes here" Calacanis. The pups seem bored with it all, which fits this week: Uncov ceased publication, Digg's drama queens went on strike, and we couldn't get Julia Allison to reenact the screen-cleaning video. Come on, pups, we're going to Moose's.

"I am a little sad to see it go. But it had...

Paul Boutin — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 13:00:37 EST

"I am a little sad to see it go. But it had to be done. It's like breaking up with a girlfriend who's a fiend in the sack but she's batshit crazy and you know she'll just drive you nuts in the end." — Uncov writer Ted Dziuba explains why he decided to quit posting his nasty but technically astute takedowns of Web 2.0 startups. [Epicenter]

Valleywag kills Uncov once and for all

Owen Thomas — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 14:40:14 EST

Folks, it's my fault. I broke Uncov, the hysterically funny anti-TechCrunch which so ably dissects why startups fail. It all started with an innocent idea for a stunt: Send Ted Dziuba, Uncov's lead writer, to the Crunchies, to see what he made of the TechCrunch-sponsored startup awards show. "It will be a nonstop festival of fail," I promised him. Dziuba, after a bit of fussing, agreed. The result is classic Uncov: Dziuba chronicles the presenters' ineptitude and fittingly doesn't write about a single "winner" — predictably, he found them unworthy of mention. But I didn't expect this: "One more thing. This is the last Uncov. Ever. I have been getting tired of it, and this has been manifesting itself in my writing. After seeing the spectacle at the Crunchies, I think it's finally time to quit." Ted, you're just going to quit like that? Fail.

We wear our sunglasses at night

Owen Thomas — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 01:04:06 EST

No, I don't understand Paul Boutin's fixation with Bono, either. But he brought a fistful of sunglasses to Moose's on Friday, and before we knew it, everyone was putting them on. The bar's lighting is already moody, and let me tell you, when you put on a pair of Bulgari, it gets murkier than an open-standards discussion list. Things got even geekier when the boys from Uncov rolled in. And then, out of nowhere — well, out of Las Vegas, really — Julia Allison and Meghan Asha showed up to glam up the evening. Did we say "happy hour"? Our apologies. We practically closed the place. Next Friday: Natali Del Conte's going-away party.

Web 2.0's Long Fail curve

Paul Boutin — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 00:00:18 EST

I cracked. I read Uncov's latest on Pownce. I still don't know what Pownce is. More important is the post's Alexa chart.

Pownce, despite being a shitty service, gives us some insight into the Web 2.0 world. I have described this before, but it is best done with imagery:

Useless service X is released after 2 months of MySQL/CSS development.

Arrington covers it, thousands of users sign up. Mike takes his ad revenue.

People either stop giving a shit or realize your service does not solve any problems for them.

Fail.

Screenshots from Persai, Uncov guys' startup

Megan McCarthy — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 18:15:18 EST

The guys behind startup-trashing site Uncov have been working on their own company for the last few months now. It's called Persai, and it's some sort of machine-learning recommendation thingy — I don't know, I tune out whenever they start talking about it, and only pay attention again once they start repeating 4chan catchphrases. Anyway, a beta tester (where's my invite, Kyle?) leaked us a screenshot of the product in action. See it below, and feel free to mock.

So basically a weak rehash of Google News and Blog Search,? Good job, guys!

The funniest site you're still not reading

Paul Boutin — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 08:30:57 EDT

Uncov is a hot little site that posts cruelly funny reviews of the same Web 2.0 companies and products that appear on TechCrunch. People who read it think everyone else does, too. They're wrong. So: A newbie's intro to Uncov.

Ted is the site's star writer. A computer scientist by training, he's naturally repulsed by the flimsy, poorly executed software passed off as world-changing innovation. He's like Slashdot commenters, if Slashdot commenters were funny.

FAIL is Uncov's catchphrase. Rather than meticulously grade the fine points of yet another "browser-based operating system," Ted just stamps FAIL on a photo or screenshot.

Actual software design and development experience is what separates Uncov from generic trash-talking sites and the half-baked "technical" minds blogging away about the emergent we-future when Web 2.0 services will transform everyone into conference speakers.

Best Uncov reviews:

Zoho DB: Software as a Disservice

Believe me when I tell you that if Microsoft Access made you sigh from time to time, Zoho DB will make you want to paint the walls with your brains. It successfully imported 10,000 rows of floating point data. It did warn me that I couldn't import more than 25,000 rows, though. Great. A database that can't take more than 25,000 rows. Now that's quality.

LocateTV Won't Leave Us Alone

I search for Kevin Spacey and find out that K-PAX is on today at 1pm. Fantastic. On my media center PC, I could tell it to record the movie. Turns out, they haven't coded that feature into Ajax yet, so Web 2.0 can't do it. Fail.

Stixy: Thanks, I Didn't Need That Browser Instance

No Web OS. Why? To start, you don't even have native threads. In fact, Firefox has a single thread that interprets JavaScript and renders the page. Yeah. For all tabs. There's nothing exceptional about Stixy, but it can free memory like a champ if you try to do anything with it.

"You want to give your kid a leg up? Read...

Paul Boutin — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 01:11:02 EDT

"You want to give your kid a leg up? Read him bedtime stories from Kernighan and Ritchie. If you don't know what that is, it's time for you to leave the Uncov Internets and go back to the TechCrunch Internets." — Computer scientist turned Web 2.0 hitman Ted Dziuba. [Uncov]

"The whole scene is like a little league...

Nick Douglas — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 19:10:38 EDT

"The whole scene is like a little league game where everyone's a winner and everyone gets a trophy at the end. You've got people like Michael Arrington and Robert Scoble who are the coaches of the team and handing out the trophies, and then Uncov is like the creepy guy in the trench coat sitting in the stands." — Startupper Ted Dziuba tells Wired why his nasty little blog kicks the collective asses of the TechCrunch crowd. [Wired]