Desperate for his costume's finishing touch, Rubyred's Ted Grubb ripped this mustache off a passing hobo.

It's next summer's superhero hit: GigaOM and Scobleizer, the blogger duo. With their piles of VC funding combined, they're just two gym memberships away from Batman and Robin.

The Valleyschwag team. (Don't even think about it. She's 17.)

Digg.com founder Kevin Rose couldn't make it, so he sent this convincing wax figure in his stead.

These ladies were deemed too salacious and were asked to stop their heathen dance.

Around 1 AM, some real cowboys walked in and kicked Valleyschwagger Jonathan Grubb's ass back to the dude ranch.

The main event was the schwag fashion show, MC'd by video blogger Irina Slutsky.

She just met the guy who fits in this hat.

Consider the talent competition over.

The back reads, "eBay China. We haven't landed anyone in jail yet."

When Meetro's Vincent Lauria feels hot, his clothes had better get the fuck out of the way.

Whore.

"Thor Muller, I wish I could quit you."

"They can't haves it! It's mine, my precious!"

This is why we got the Brokeback jokes out of the way.

Blogger Chris Messina is having so much fun talking about this party with his chat room friends.

The infamous etched Powerbook that made the world's geeks so transparently jealous this week.

Robert Scoble wants you to work for PodTech.

Valleyschwag Hoedown [Laughing Squid]

Righto, waggers, see you all at tonight's Valleyschwag Hoedown tonight, where the inexplicably-cowboy-themed schwag-of-the-month club will reveal their new space-themed venture.

Should you be at this party? Yes. It's hosted by these fun people:

You still have time to drive up from the Valley and party at 365 Brannan, San Francisco. You don't want to get stuck partying remotely.

Valleyschwag Hoedown [Valleyschwag.com]
Video: The Schwag Lab [Jumpcut]

It is thus with greatest pleasure that I opened the July edition of Valleyschwag. The monthly branded-geegaws package outdid itself by scoring some edibles from aol.com. Love or loathe it, any site that sends Superman cookies bound up with its logo is a winner. The crumbs may fade, but the memory of AOL's gesture — or is that just the saturated fat — will stick with me.

Equally scrumptious is the fortune cookie from Mozes, which tells me to text "fortune" to 66937 for my fortune. Not that I bothered texting, as adding "in bed" to "Mozes" was entertainment enough.

After the jump, more schwag, and someone's holding a hoedown.

Edgeio sends a pleasantly generic sticker that won't go on my iBook, as do abazab, eurekster, and snubster.

AOL accompanies the cookies with a dogtag bearing that little man. He's jumping. It's a symbol of an AOL user trying to fly. AOL must represent gravity, or lost dreams or something.

Jumpcut sends a rough but rightly-sized (small) tee. The logo looks cool enough to wear on an off day.

That's everything except waitwhat'sthisit'saPOSTER FROM VALLEYSCHWAG! Looks like the cowboys are holding a hoedown on July 14 at their office in South Park, San Francisco. Check out the deets and RSVP here.

Valleyschwag [Official site]
Valleyschwag hoedown [Announcement]

Beer flowed, balls were smacked, we learned something about Google co-founder Larry Page. Check out the video, a slightly trimmed version of the official Jumpcut cut by Jumpcut employees Ashot and Steve.

High point: Noticing that Jumpcut's foosball men are all named (and labeled) after soccer stars and businessmen. Low point: Summer heat making these geeks sweat and smell more like b-ballers than foosballers.

Valleyschwag vs. Jumpcut Foos Tourney [Jumpcut video]

Valleyschwag pissed me off.

Not because the schwag-of-the-month club isn't giving Valleywag kickbacks for adapting our clever name (it isn't) and not because the actual schwag package isn't awesome (it is, judging by excited reviews by grateful schwag recipients like this and this and this and this).

But I wouldn't know whether the May schwag is any good. Because despite living fewer than five miles from Valleyschwag's home in the Rubyred Labs office — and despite being subscriber #1 — three days into June, I still haven't gotten my May package.

Sure, it's a long process wrapping up the schwackages, but if some goof already eBayed her package, shouldn't my schwag have made it down Market Street to my door by now?

Where's the love, Valleyschwag? Where's the love?

Valleyschwag [Official site]

But, of course, Valleyschwaggers get first dibs on the "smaller/newer/better" betas. And somehow, Rubyred will do it all without giving users' names or e-mails to other companies.

Valleybeta [Official site]

Rubyred Labs' Valleyschwag service launched last month with a fancy (and inexplicably cowboy-themed) site and the promise of a monthly schwag pack for every subscriber. $15 buys a monthly bundle of Valley-branded tees, stickers, and chapstick (yes). Now Schwagsketeers get something for free — a crack at private betas. The Valleyschwag newsletter says:

CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET? [No. — Ed.] We'll soon be rolling out a companion piece to Valleyschwag called Valleybeta, a service which will give members access to sizzling private betas before their release. As a Valleyschwag member you're automatically registered, as long as you complete the profile form on your Valleyschwag Page. And, yes, it's free.

For all but the most harried journalists mired in Web 2.0, private betas are little treasures, and a fun way to try a new service, feel special, and royally fuck up your computer. Valleybeta users can customize their beta subscriptions by category, hand out personal information, and get in on the ground floor of the next Boo.com, Webvan, or Kozmo.

My Valleyschwag [Valleyschwag.com]

• Latecoming Valleyschwaggers have one day to bid on a first-edition Valleyschwag package — minus the tees and one sticker. Y'see, no one can come near a Valleyschwag package without taking just a little. [eBay]
• Yahoo (CEO and founder pictured) takes an Indian vacation. "This time," they promise, "this time we'll be the country's main search engine. The US and China were practice rounds. We swear." [Hindu Business Line]
• Google VP Marissa Mayer says the company will launch a health search tool. Ha ha, she's kidding. No she isn't. Yes she is. But she really isn't. [USA Today]
• In a fit of bipartisan graciousness and dignity, Al Gore's Current TV runs a cartoon mocking Bush and MySpace. Geez, the Bush jab is understandable, but what did MySpace do to Gore, fail to give him friends? [YouTube]
• Yet another publication treats the appointment of Eric Schmidt as Google CEO as a baton-passing. Years later, baton-twirler Schmidt is still marching to Larry and Sergey's drum. [Wharton]

It's wrapped in burlap. Like a really rough Hustler.

Triple-wrapped — remember, guys, always bag your schwag!

Ahhhh, sweet sweet schwagload.

Verdict: Worth every penny. The stickers will cover the rest of this Compaq lid, and the tees will cover my nakedness. The Yelp chapstick (seriously) will serve as protection from the harsh chill of a San Francisco summer.

Since I'm an early subscriber (subscriber #1, uncomped), Rubyred threw in goodies like a Channel 9 foamhead from the Microsoft Developers Network. Cool. It's so...so...practical.

Got an extra bag from the Maker Faire (a schwag bag, actually), so I made a Schwag Schwap Wiki for schwag trading.

After the jump, other people rave about Valleyschwag.

Other subscribers blogged testimonials:

I'm such a believer in Schwag, I've even made VentureBlog stickers. Track me down at a conference and I'll be happy to give you one. Or maybe you'll get lucky and get one in Valleyschwag one of these days.
— VC David Hornik, VentureBlog

Web 2.0 is totally the new indie rock.
— Web developer David Demaree, Practicalmadness

More happy schwagsters:
Valleyschwag Reviews [Laughing Squid]
Photos tagged "Valleyschwag" [Flickr]

From the makers of Valleyschwag:
The Chronicles of Valleyschwag [Valleyschwag]
Behind the scenes at Valleyschwag... [theory.isthereason]
Valleyschwag Boinged [Jonathan Grubb]

Earlier: Valleyschwag: Monthly schwag bag, delivered to your door [Valleywag]