Gawker: valleywag, valleywag labs

What happens when you digg a Digg?

Nicholas Carlson — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 16:40:35 EST

Everyone's seen the iPhone stopwatch reach a thousand hours. With that in mind, we decided to Digg a Digg story. Would it rip a hole in the fabric of our existence?

If Facebook were an energy drink

Mary Jane Irwin — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 20:00:38 EDT

Have you ever wanted to tap into the entrepreneurial spirit that generates multibillion-dollar valuations? Do you dream of becoming a Silicon Valley icon? Crave the street cred that lets you get away with wearing Adidas Adissage sandals to formal events, to nicely complement your suit? Well, sirs and madams, you can't. But wouldn't it be awesome if you could pretend to do all that while drinking sugar water laced with caffeine? Telephony company Jajah already has its own energy drink — as do celebrities as shameless as Steven Segal. Obviously there's a market that Web entrepreneurs aren't capitalizing on — and it's too bad for them we're beating them to it.

Facefuel — Monetize Your Thirst!!! Sipping a beverage without any returns? Grab hold of a Facefuel, the only way to add a Super Poke to your day. It's guaranteed to blur the line between your friends and enemies, and prep you for a day's worth of negotiations with heavy hitters like Microsoft, Google, and Yahoo. Mark Zuckerberg's secret formula — which for you busybodies is markedly different from ConnectU's recipe — boils down all those worthless applications into liquid hope, seasons them with remnant banner impressions, adds a few drops of Zuckerberg sandal sweat, and stirs in nine fragments of source code to create a refreshing beverage that is more than 100 percent compatible with the API of your thirst. With this kind of ecosystem, how can you afford not to Monetize Your Thirst?

Facebook developers, we have the tool you need to MAKE! MONEY! FAST!

Nicholas Carlson — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 03:01:44 EDT

Want to get rich quick, Facebook developers? Over here at Valleywag Labs, we've concocted an algorithm to identify exactly which ads you should target to your apps. Search the Valley. Search the Alley. You won't find a better CPM, ROI, or CTR than we'll provide. Don't believe us? Check out our demo on five popular Facebook apps below.

Our patented "Fanafi" algorithm — that's short for "Find A Need And Fill It," folks — uses machine-learning semantic-graph discovery technologies to extract the needs users express when they add your Facebook app. Then we serve a targeted ad. Fanafi-targeted advertising is actually useful for the consumer, which really is our ultimate goal at Valleywag Labs. Making you rich? Just a nice bonus. For all of us. See for yourself.

TOP FRIENDS, 3,091,139 daily active users
Developer's Description:

Save time and show your friends some love. Add a box of up to 32 of your BFFs to your profile. Now they are one click away, you don't have to search every time you want to go check up on them. Now the question is... who is in your top friends box?

HONESTY BOX, 245,671 daily active users
Developer's Description:

Honesty Box lets users send each other anonymous messages, removing any inhibitions and letting people be completely honest with you.

LIKENESS, 648,004 daily active users
Developer's Description:

Find out who you're like! Compare yourself with friends and movie stars like Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba, Keira Knightley, and many more. Can you find a perfect match?

COMPARE PEOPLE, 310,604 daily active users
Developer's Description:

People are different. That is a fact of life.
Find out who stands where in various categories: cutest, sexiest, smartest and many more.
Most importantly, find out where you fit in!

MY QUESTIONS, 531,981 daily active users
Developer's Description:

Instantly find out what your friends think of... your new flame, your haircut, or where to go out this weekend. My Questions is a friend-polling application: ask your friends questions, answer theirs right on their profile pages, have fun!

(Photo by r.s.m.b. Sees)