Instead, the company is paying aging comedian and (reformed?) Mac enthusiast Jerry Seinfeld $10 million to be the product's spokesmonkey. At least one of the ads looks like it was shot against a Brooklyn backdrop by Michel Gondry, the french auteur beloved by white people. Who's responsible for this sudden rush to be hip?

This sounds like the work of Alex Bogusky, the studvertiser at Mac-worshipping ad firm Crispin Porter & Bogusky. Guess Gondry won't be touring Apple stores to promote his next film. (Photo by AP/Franka Bruns)

But since Midori is still a long ways out, Microsoft is still trying hard to polish up Vista. Microsoft recently organized focus groups of disgruntled Windows XP users and showed them a brand new OS called "Mojave." After the participants were cajoled into saying the new OS with shiny doodads was far superior, it was revealed that Mojave was none other than Vista. The trick reminds us of Folger's ads — and reminds us how Ballmer used to work at Procter & Gamble. There is the battle for Microsoft's soul lain bare: The marketers, led by Ballmer's old guard, who repackage even the slightest tweak as "new and improved!" versus the technologists, led by Rudder, who are seeking to build something genuinely new. The safe bet, alas, is on the marketers.

And yet it is done, and profitably so. Sony's PlayStation 3 is expensive precisely because it uses new chips and optical drives whose manufacturing processes have yet to be refined. Moore's law has made the old silicon parts in a PS2 dirt-cheap; meanwhile, videogame studios continue to churn out games for it, making it an entertainment bargain.

Windows XP, meanwhile, has been relentlessly tested by consumers, businesses, and hackers; it is now reasonably bug-proof, reasonably easy to use, and ubiquitous. Windows Vista, by contrast, is slow, unpredictable, and uncertainly secure. (Microsoft claims Vista is safer, but any security expert will tell you that security holes only reveal themselves over time.) Microsoft perhaps recognizes this, since it's continuing to sell Windows XP in some poorer countries.

So far, Sony and Microsoft are focusing their selling of the old in developing markets. But why not sell the old stuff everywhere, instead of forcing the likes of Dell to jump through hoops to offer it to willing customers? That's exactly what Nintendo has done with the Wii. Essentially a repackaged GameCube with a motion-sensitive controller, the Wii has eviscerated Sony's overexpensive PlayStation 3. It's a classic triumph of the old.

The chief lesson Silicon Valley has taken from Moore's law is that new technology will always be better. Hence the relentless pursuit of the new. But Moore equally tells us that old technology will always be cheaper. Someone's going to figure out how to sell the old stuff at a profit. Why not have it be you?

Our source tells us, "Windows and Office are like two COMPLETELY separate companies." Sinofsky's hard-driving management style doesn't suit Windows developers. Says our source:

If I had another share of Microsoft for every time I head "fuck" and "Sinofksy" in the same sentence from Windows people, well let's just say I would be rivaling Bill Gates's wealth.

You may have noticed with the Windows betas being so open, and occurring so early in the development stage that Windows really does value customer feedback. At Office, where the beta is late in the development cycle, and they really don't have the beta out there for feedback, but rather just to squash bugs. Sinofsky has brought that sort of policy where feedback means jack sh*t. It sort of does hurt the product. Customer feedback used to mean so much

Represent Microsoft and communicate with Microsoft's Strategic OEM partners via telephone, written correspondence, or electronic services regarding technically complex escalated issues. Frequently, these problems will not only be technically complex, but will be politically charged situations requiring the highest level of customer skill and diplomacy both externally and internally.

There's a reason the number of companies that report owning Apple computers is up from 48 percent In 2006. It's the same reason Microsoft cut Vista Ultimate Edition's price from $399 to $319 in February and General Motors plans to skip this version of Windows entirely. Customers aren't happy about Vista. Take this job, and you'll get to hear exactly why. Over and over.

Estimated pay: $40,000. Apply!

Next: Executive admin to Mashable CEO Pete Cashmore

(Photo by ilikeyesterday)

BusinessWeek gives Apple's iPhone and iPod much of the credit, but also blames Vista; 90 percent of office workers remain on XP. One factor BusinessWeek didn't account for: the Internet. As more of what people actually do with a computer takes place on the Web, the less it matters what type of computer users access it with. Now you know why Steve Jobs has Google CEO Eric Schmidt on the board — it's not for his personal charm. (Photo by atp_tyreseus)

In retrospect, it's obvious that Valentine's lack of motivation was reflected in the final product. Even Bill Gates has conceded Vista's failure now, and there's talk that Microsoft will replace it with an early release of Windows Seven, Vista's successor. It's hard to imagine Valentine, or anyone, making a video about Vista that's anything like the Windows XP promotion below:

So who is this woman for whom Valentine dumped Microsoft? A filing with the SEC reveals that Puerini was the "housemate" of Valentine mentioned, but not named, in a similar filing last year. Puerini, Amazon's director of user retail experience, just got a $1 million stock grant, an amount the company says is similar to the compensation earned by other employees at her level. So lets grant that she's smart. Her Facebook profile photo, reproduced above, suggests she's good-looking as well. A catch for Valentine, and apparently worth leaving Microsoft in the middle of completing its most important product.

Has the couple shipped their own product? Puerini has a baby registry for an arrival dated last September. The pair also have a wedding registry on the site — but it's labeled as a test. On it, Puerini writes: "ABOUT THE COUPLE: This is a test registry. I am not getting married. I have no plans to get married. I repeat - this is a test! :-)" The baby registry may therefore also be a test.

One thing Valentine and Puerini have definitely done as a couple: donate an amount between $25,000 and $250,000 to Washington State University (PDF).

There you have it: Microsoft gets to produce an awesomely cheesy video to pump up the sales troops — but in a way that lets them pretend to be air-quotes cool, resistant to such straightforward come-ons. PR then strategically leaks it, lets the blogosphere react predictably, and finds a gullible square of a tech reporter to declare victory on Microsoft's behalf.

Gizmodo has it right: Why is Microsoft wasting money on staging fake concerts? To which I'd add: Why are they then thumping their chests about how they "fooled" bloggers? Unembarrassed, Microsoft is now challenging competitors to make an even more ironic-fake-bad-but-not-really video. To see the Microsoft spin machine at work on such a worthless cause should give Google new hope.

[NeoWin via CrunchGear]