I'm on the Caltrain right now overhearing a conversation between a Google PM (product manager) and a Microsoft PM - and I feel like I just woke up in a Valleywag nightmare.

"I'm really interested in seeing how quickly the money shows up in my bank account after I sell my shares."

"Did you use Fidelity?"

"Yeah, Fidelity."

Overachiever #1: I feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm really driven - my friends tell me I need to find balance. Overachiever #2: "Finding balance" is a euphemism for "quitting."

One of my friends there said, "At Google management is a janitorial function."

And about the famous "20% time" where employees work on personal projects:

My friends there say it works more like, 175% of your time is spent on your job, and then 20% is for your own stuff, if you aren't dead.

I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I FUCKING HATE.
I HATE EMAIL.
YOU CANNOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEEN
"HEY, I'M AWAY ON VACATION UNTIL THE 6TH"
FROM
"HEY, THIS USER DOES NOT EXIST"
OR
"HEY, CLICK ON THIS TO GET THIS EMAIL DELIVERED"
WELL, YOU COULD IF PEOPLE ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION
AND USED THE RFC (1894)
BUT NOPE,
PEOPLE JUST SHOVE IN WHATEVER THE DANDY OLD FRICK THEY WANT
HELL, MICROSOFT EVEN SHIPS REPLIES
AS BASE-64 ENCODED PROPRIETARY OUTLOOK ATTACHMENTS
BECAUSE WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYTHING OTHER THAN AN EXCHANGE SERVER
CARE ABOUT WHAT'S IN AN EMAIL?

THAT IS IT:
I AM MOVING OUR CORPORATE MESSAGING INFRASTRUCTURE TO MYSPACE.

I wonder if I can get an exclusive interview with [disgraced Congressman Mark] Foley...I bet he has lots of friends on MySpace.

This guy meets with me, and he says, "I figure I need to build more contacts." It felt like he was saying "I have five friends, and I optimally have room for seven. Will you be my friend?" I guess some people just work that way.

"You're podcasting? Let me give you some good advice, no one wants to hear you talk ..." That, according to blogger Chris Heuer, is what AOL exec Jason Calacanis told the young lady pictured above at the Podcast and Portable Media Expo.

Those who've heard Jason on the popular podcast This Week in Tech may echo the sentiment — at Jason. He's known for publicly grandstanding when he appears on that and other podcasts.

Now, the man can speak engagingly, if bombastically, and we admire his occasional wit. But his phrases are more often pieces of posturing (see above), making this the most ironic media advice we've heard all week.

Jason Calacanis, media advisor [Chris Heuer on Flickr, photo used under CC license]

Overheard by a reader: Outside the unfinished 170 Off Third luxury condos across from AT&T Park and next to Current TV, where construction crews have menaced the sidewalks on both sides of the block for months and traffic is now backed up for blocks.

Webster #1: Oh great, they're blocking the whole street this time.
Webster #2: Hey, it's better than when they put heavy machinery in the very fucking walkway they told us to use. Or when they swung beams and blocks over the pedestrians in the walkway they built. Or when the truck driver almost smacked me in the face opening his door into said walkway. Or when the guy dropped a hammer through the roof and almost hit that chick.
#1: Our VP of Community got splashed with wet concrete.
#2: Why am I not surprised. These guys wouldn't know safety if it fell on their heads.

"What's his face from dl.tv [Former 'Screen Savers' TV co-host Patrick Norton] was just walking around the office with some other dude, debating about whether the other dude was merely a product market or a 'product evangelist.'"

Ugh.

One South Beach engineer to another in line at Crossroads:

"The only lie bigger than 'with one click' is 'it's totally anonymous.'"

Have a better lie? (Mine is "Sounds like a solid business plan.") Comment below.

I remember being in an elevator with a guy from Nokia. A phone went off with the Nokia ring tone and everyone reached for their phones. The Nokia guy said, "Ahh, the sound of marketshare."

Can you hear me now? [Joi Ito's Vox blog]

As far as I see it, web 1.0 = people who didn't know how to use Photoshop, and web 2.0 = people who do know how to use Photoshop.

He made millions from typos with that ".om" domain of his.

Ouch. Number 2:

GigaOM's new party must be an Oma gig.

Ever wonder why you've never heard the words, "And our next comedian, hailing from Silicon Valley..."? Now you know.

Photo by Scott Beale [Flickr]

Oh dear, I just did a Canter in the [redacted] presentation. In the sense of "fell asleep in an orange shirt." Not "smoked dope first and heckled incoherently." Or "hit on any woman present, then when told she's a lesbian suggested a threesome with my wife." Or "hired a series of programmers and forgot to pay them."

Not that we'd ever accuse Canter of these things.

Earlier: Crazy uncle update: Sleepy, Grumpy, and Dopey
Photo: Marc Canter [Ben Hammersley on Flickr]

Eight years at eBay? Must have been just a Class B felony.

Credibility is like virginity.

Someday my six year old son hopes to grow up and scale across the enterprise.

My kids are going to go NUTS when I tell them I was at the Wharton Supernova Enterprise User Perspective workshop and I didn't take them!

"He used a Lego example and a Burger King example." "Oh, they beat us on Burger King?" "Yeah." "Then I should write a blog essay critiquing Burger King."

Tune in tomorrow, when Sun CEO Jonathan Schwartz will share the insights that made Sun great. Later that day, he'll fire thousands of workers.

Jed Rice of Loki was talking about a geo service from his mom, then showed a pic of his mom and her e-mail address. "She'd love to hear from you," he said. Then, moving on and trying to get his geo link back in: "My mom's been around."

"Can't they just change it to Podtronic?" he said. "Whatever that monty python line is..."

You know the one.

First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?
Michael: No, it's Michael.
Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.
Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?

Conference schedule [Under the Radar]

Somehow, the brilliant webcast of the Valleywag SloshCon is now a video file with no video. But that just makes this audio track of 88 minutes from upstairs at the party that much cooler — now you can play match-the-quote and build your own waggables all weekend long!

Magical SloshCon waggable supersource mp3

Thanks to all the sponsors who made this hangover possible!

$10 Supreme Platinum Sponsor: Supr.c.ilio.us
$100 Sponsors: Automattic; Mena Trott of Six Apart; Gabriel Venture Partners; Digg; STIRR Network; Laughing Squid; Misc. Books and Press; SustainableWebsites
$200 sponsor: Radiohandi
$250 sponsors: Topix.net; Gawker Media

Tech Innovator: "I'm starting a game. You take a drink every time you see a PR person." Tech Journalist: "No, thanks. I already played that game for five years."