10 ways to abuse children with gadgets

NICK DOUGLAS — The Wall Street Journal published a scare-story today on how handheld devices make parents neglect their children. Children "are fearful that parents will be distracted by emails while driving, concerned about Mom and Dad's shortening attention spans and exasperated by their parents' obsession with their gadgets."

The Journal even makes the chairman of Blackberry maker RIM sound like he's threatening to steal their parents: "Jim Balsillie says children should ask themselves, 'Would you rather have your parents 20% not there or 100% not there?'" (Jim Balsillie, fight the good fight. Stick it to the children.)

Anyway, since we're all near our young relatives this month, I thought up:

Ten more ways you can abuse children with gadgets

• While playing the Wii, "accidentally" fling the remote into the child's soft torso. Aim for the stomach where bruises don't show.
• Set your ringtone to "The Streak" and start hanging out with the kid's friends.
• Buy them some Playstation 3 games for Christmas; pretend you didn't know the games need a console.
• Every time a preteen is on the phone, call her and leave a plaintive voicemail. When she calls back, pretend she has the wrong number, even if she's watching you do this from the living room.
• "I can't hear this annoying high-pitched ringtone all the kids are talking about. Can you? HERE I'LL PLAY IT LOUDER."
• Just because GTA Vice City says "M" on the box doesn't mean the 6-year-old can't watch you beat a hooker to death with a dildo.
• "Gee, honey, if you can't press the buttons right, maybe it's just your fat fingers."
• The first rule of Fight Club: Splice single frames of hardcore porn into the startup animation.
• Photoshopped baby pictures.
• "Merry Christmas! It's a Zune!"

This is the fourth installment of Diggbait, a daily column about life in the tech world. Earlier, Diggbait covered the eight people you meet on Digg.com and how clicking the button above buys toys for hospitalized children. Photo by Gilles Renault.

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