For the past couple of years, bored tech writers have been telling this spooky ghost story about teens bored with Facebook. Today, during Facebook's latest earnings report, Zuckerberg denied the youth exodus, and TechCrunch's resident Facebook sleeper agent can barely keep it in his teen pants.

Citing Zuck's claim that the social network has "close to fully penetrated in the US teen demographic," (top notch choice of words, there) Josh Constine wrote a wild-eyed, fist-pump of a post titled "Zuckerberg Says Teens Still Steadily Engaged With Facebook." It should have had three exclamation points. What else is there to say that Mark Zuckerberg didn't say himself? There are only so many ways to write "Facebook denies that teens are bored with Facebook," only so many ways to return the favor and penetrate Facebook back, and yet, here we are:

  • "And that time isn’t just coming in binges. People are consistently addicted to Facebook."
  • "It’s been worries about the flight of teens and Facebook’s inability to squeeze dollars out of mobile that have held down Facebook’s share price since its rocky IPO. With these fears quelled, $FB is up."
  • "It is 1.15 billion people who have chosen Facebook as the digital representation of the lives and friendships, the place they get their news and gossip, and where they make their voices heard."
  • "Facebook’s share of people’s time is increasing, especially if you count Instagram as part of Facebook."

Breathless. Teen love is so sweet and pure.