What's the opposite of a lifehack? Paying for whatever this is supposed to be: TechCrunch alumnus Jason Kincaid is going all-out in the pursuit of flackdom, charging rates usually charged by powerful lawyers for less than an hour of his time.

Startup money is bountiful, but competition for investment cash is still cutthroat—so, with all the authority of a Tony Robbins seminar, Kincaid will "help you hone your pitch, prepare for interviews with reporters, and navigate the minefield that is the tech press." He knows, because he used to be the minefield! His qualifications include being a blogger, and having once done an interview "Hunter Walk, which includes a kind introduction from TechCrunch founder Michael Arrington."

OK, so the bona fides are locked down. What do you get after you hand over $300?

"General PR advice"

"Mock interviews (I've done a lot of interviews)"

"Product advice"

"If your startup is headed in a not-so-great direction or you seem like you're doing it for the wrong reasons, I'll try to talk you out of it."

But don't get greedy: "I'm happy to help you nail down some key points, but please don't expect me to conjure a three-paragraph pitch on the spot — and while I'm happy to help over multiple sessions, I'm not going to be working on your pitch between them." Multiple sessions! It's like Instagram for the corporate revolving door.

Alternate idea: comment on Valleywag, and everyone will tell you what's wrong with your startup, free of charge.